November 29, 2013

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In America, people do air travel like they”€™re going to a sleepover, bring kids to R-rated movies, and let their offspring run around restaurants like we”€™re all in the same living room. It’s hard to know where to begin when imposing some decorum on Western culture, but I”€™m an alcoholic so I”€™m going to start with bars.

As John Carney pointed out on Business Insider, stop pulling out your credit card for one drink. You”€™re not only wasting the bartender’s time and delaying his tip by at least a week, you”€™re slowing shit down for the rest of us. Go to an ATM and pay the fee they charge you to not waste everyone else’s money.

You know what booze is? It’s water with a tiny bit of booze in it. No more ordering a drink with a water chaser. Try the drink first and see if that quenches your thirst. It’s a fucking DRINK, for crying out loud. The only exception to this rule is a megabender where you”€™re risking alcohol poisoning by not having a glass of water for every seven pints of beer. It’s rational to do it then, but I still think it’s faggy.

“€œYou don”€™t go to a drug den and order strawberry heroin, so stop asking questions about some stupid pumpkin ale.”€

Can we stop asking the female bartender what IPA she recommends? She drinks Pinot Grigio and she doesn”€™t even like it. Order a Budweiser or a Guinness or a Maker’s on the rocks. The drinks they”€™re serving are really just rotten vegetables and we”€™re drinking them because they give us a buzz. As you sit there poring over the menu like any of this matters, we are fantasizing about ripping your head off. You don”€™t go to a drug den and order strawberry heroin, so stop asking questions about some stupid pumpkin ale.

We know women should be legally allowed in bars, but they belong there about as much as I belong in a feminist workshop about rape. Ladies, you are in a man zone, so please try to dial it back a bit and keep it to a dull roar. Your laugh after three wines sounds like a hyena trying to howl over a fire extinguisher.

I can”€™t believe this is a genderless rule but yes, even grown men order these elaborate drinks. If I am at an airport bar and I”€™m trying to get a bourbon buzz before a six-hour flight, please do not cut my drinking time by ordering something that takes 10 minutes to make. I have criticized men for doing this in the past and they were so oblivious their reaction was, “€œI know! “€˜Not normal,”€™ right?”€

When someone leaves the booth to go to the loo, they don”€™t need their exact seat when they get back. When he returns, everyone shuffles down one and he’s now in the aisle seat. Besides, it’s healthy for the conversation to have a musical-chairs scenario, so everyone needs to stop getting up and allowing dude to slide into his spot next to the guy who won”€™t stop talking about the price of his daughter’s gymnastics lessons.


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