Clitoris Lost, Wedding Canceled, Beans Spilled

May 11, 2011

Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction

Dear Torn in Torino,

Did you really love this woman? Do you think she really loved you? Maybe you are wondering if you made a mistake because you truly loved her even though it had only been two months. Or maybe you are sick of dating and are ready to get married but are a bit too jumpy at the starting gate. Or maybe you merely want me to tell you that you are not a total a-hole.

If you feel you really do love her and could see her as your wife and children’s mother, why not go back? Announce you want a very long engagement and see how it goes. Get to know the mother and the rest of the family to see if you are willing to marry this girl despite all her baggage.

If you only want me to tell you that you were right, then yes, you did the right thing to call it off if you were suspicious about her intentions. If she is only interested in your money and wants to force you to provide for her and her mother, you were right to ditch the bloodsucking vamp. Had you not called it off, who knows how many other destitute and lonely relatives may have become your responsibility? You are beholden to nobody until you have walked out of the church as man and wife.

A woman who dumps her mother and her mother’s perils in your lap may be a tad on the selfishly demanding side, no? Do not get distracted by her lanky legs and pretty face. Try to make an informed decision. Marriage is a long ride, so don”€™t take in more baggage than will fit in the trunk.


Dear Delphi,

A dear friend of mine confided in me. She told me an enormous secret and I think I may be the only person she told on the planet. I am honored on one hand because she trusts me so much to tell me such a colossal secret, but on the other hand it is so big I really


“€”not want”€”to share it. Even in complete anonymity, I don”€™t want to tell you the secret because I feel like it would be a betrayal, but I need to talk it through with someone. It is really big! What can I do?

“€”Trusted Friend in Aspen

Dear Trusted Friend in Aspen,

If you”€™re bursting at the seams to tell the secret and it is not merely a shallow need to gossip and appear “€œin the know,”€ I commend your discretion. You can always tell a friend outside of your circle without naming names. But it has to be someone so far out of the loop that the two will never meet, like an old college friend who lives in a shack at the North Pole, or better yet a dying friend or relative that will literally take the secret with them to the grave. You can under no circumstances risk that the person to whom you spill the beans will end up at the same party with the person who confided in you. Imagine they start chatting and”€”bang!”€”the secret is out.

If you want to protect yourself from this secret ever getting retold, simply go to a shrink and tell them. A much cheaper option would be a priest”€”or, depending on how weird this secret is, an exorcist.


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