Dear Delphi,

I have been dating this man for about 2 years now, and he has asked me to marry him. I said yes, but I’m not sure how to deal with his mother. The last time we went to dinner she made some really rude comments about my clothes, said they made me look like a shaved rabbit or a bleached parrot. I had to go cry in the bathroom, right then and there! What should I do?
                                                                              “€”Bathroom Breakdown in Paris

Dear Bathroom Breakdown in Paris,

Congratulations! The most important thing you need to think about is how did your future husband react? Did he come to your defense screaming, glaring, and/or growling at his mother? Did he follow you to the bathroom? Or did he look at you and think to himself, Why, yes, she does look like a bleached parrot tonight, how could I have not noticed, she doesn”€™t usually look this terrible?

On the upside, at least you know what you are up against. Your mother-in-law is never going to talk, plot, or scheme behind your back. If she wants him to leave you and marry someone else, she will drag her favored prospect to dinner at your house. If you are not pregnant after one month of trying, she will simply call you, tell you, and take you in for IVF. I don”€™t even want to think about comments after the babies come: Don”€™t you think you should pin his ears back? Is his mouth twisted? Ooh, too bad she got your nose; well, she can get it done before high school. Nobody will know.

Beyond hoping your future husband has other siblings and in-laws to distract the beast, you need a plan. You could try to play on her level, but even if you are a bitch, an old bitch will always beat a young bitch. Like a video game, the more little fluffy helpless poodles she can destroy, the bigger and more powerful she becomes. The only rational plan is to not to take it personally and never let her see you upset; she will only gain power and pleasure. You must approach her as you would a dangerous animal. Don”€™t show fear, and if you must run, run in zigzags.

Please direct all questions, concerns, dilemmas, or confusions to delphibl@alice.it.