October 13, 2010

Dear Delphi,

I am really upset. I am a 9th-grade boy and I just started boarding school this fall. I play lacrosse, I think I am cute enough, but not one girl has even looked in my direction. I asked my parents how I should approach them, what I should do, etc. They gave me the standard don”€™t worry, they will come around, just try to make friends. NO help! So please, what can be done?
                                                                                          “€”Lost in Connecticut

Dear Lost in Connecticut,

There is absolutely nothing to be done. A 9th-grade boy should never have to endure coed school. You are in a black hole, and the only way out is to wait. The good news is that there is nothing wrong with you. You are working with the same brain and the same moves as 99% of all men aged 16 to 60. The only difference is that you have absolutely no girl pool interested in you. Sophomore year will be a little better, but life is not going to seriously improve until junior year. That’s when the girls in your grade will start to look at you, the sophomores will be very interested, and the 9th-grade girls will be swooning over you. You may even get some attention from the senior girls, especially if you play lacrosse. I think it must go back to medieval times when the men with the swords (the ancient lacrosse stick) were the most sought-after, while the ones throwing around the garden vegetables (the football players, basketball players, etc.) were less desirable.

By the time you are 40, your pool will include women ranging from 25-60, most of them desperate and many reachable on Facebook. So what do you do in the meantime? Get really good at lacrosse and try to get good grades. Put the sex out of your mind, freshman boy, because even if you scheme all day on ways to get girls, you will fail.

Dear Delphi,

I am at my wits”€™ end. I live next door to a cat lady, and I am allergic. She must have 10 cats in her apartment, and the hair must be coming thru the vents. I imagine her apartment must be the dirtiest, hairiest place on earth. I have left her notes politely asking her to try to keep her house cleaner, i.e., vacuum up all the hair. She writes me back saying cats are cleaner than cleaning ladies. What can I do short of moving?
                                                                                          “€”Sneezing in Seattle

You could try to play on her level, but even if you are a bitch, an old bitch will always beat a young bitch.

Dear Sneezing in Seattle,

Your problem is very close to my heart. I, too, had a run-in with a neighbor who had too many cats: 22 to be precise. They were not house cats and would run around in my backyard. I am not allergic; I just don”€™t like cats, maybe because in high school I had a physics teacher who used cats as examples in every problem: If a cat were sitting under a dumbbell, at what speed would the dumbbell hit the cat if the dumbbell weighed 200 lbs. and was dropped from 500 feet? Anyway, you could try to slip some Advil and/or Motrin-tainted tuna into your neighbor’s groceries packaged as a free sample of gourmet, organic, gluten-free cat food, but you may want to talk to a lawyer before attempting any tuna-tampering. Our society cares more about animal rights than human rights, and you might get arrested on terrorism charges. Otherwise, start playing loud music and smoking”€”a lot”€”until about 4 a.m. Maybe you can create such an unhealthy environment for the cats, the cat lady moves!


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