October 25, 2010

missing asset:https://www.takimag.com/images/uploads/delph.jpg

missing asset:https://www.takimag.com/images/uploads/delph.jpg

Dear Delphi,

I am a 65-year-old man. I just got my 2nd divorce. I was wondering: Do I have any chance of getting another girl on a budget (I spent quite a bit on Wife Number 2)?

“€”Playboy on a Budget in L.A.

Dear Playboy on a Budget in L.A.,

NO! You have no chance at your age of getting a girl on a budget, unless you are going to check yourself into a retirement home and by “€œgirl”€ you mean a fellow inmate. If by “€œgirl”€ you mean an actual girl, and not a person of the female gender above age 45 (and I am being generous) who does not look like Frankenstein’s Bride, then let me reiterate: NO, you have no chance!

Assuming you are not going to leave L.A. and move to Cambodia, that your interests do not include uninsured women with expensive diseases or women with children and gambling ex-husbands, and assuming you are not above average and will die at 76 years old, or below average and look like Frankenstein, I think we can come up with some reasonable guidelines.

There are two categories we have to consider: 1) How much you are going to spend on her while you are alive? and 2) How much you are going to leave her (or rather how much does she think you are going to leave her) when you die? For girls age 25-30 you will have to spend recklessly. Whatever they ask for they need to receive, so you are best off looking for a 25-to-30-year-old who does not have expensive tastes. Think about taking a trip to Cuba. Her expected inheritance for the effort needs to be upward of $20 million.

“€œHonestly, do you want a man who would pick dirty dishes over you?”€

For girls age 40-45 it is a much less expensive undertaking. For example, they will not need a private jet, but you are still a long way from economy travel. You will get away with even cheaper accessories and activities if you increase your romantic gestures and conversation. These women will be more easily seduced because they will be grateful that they finally found a husband. Her expected inheritance for the effort needs to be a minimum of $2 million.

By the way, if ANY of the aforementioned assumptions don”€™t hold, you should expect your costs to skyrocket.

Dear Delphi,

I always get stressed-out when I go to the salon. I have nothing to say to the person who is cutting, waxing, or washing, but I always feel pressure to chitchat. Is it rude not to talk to them?

“€”Chatted-Out in Boston

Dear Chatted-Out in Boston,

Once upon a time everyone went to the same hairdresser, likely named Carlos, who was a flamboyant-yet-closeted homosexual who loved to gossip and knew everything and everybody. Everyone would talk to Carlos, and he to them, because they actually had things, important things, to tell each other. Those days have for the most part passed, unless you live in Podunk, E.U.

No, I don”€™t think you have to chitchat if you are not in the mood. I am not saying those who work in salons are faceless and unimportant people you should outright ignore or treat like annoying flies. It is never wise to be rude to anyone who is helping you do something you can”€™t do or, rather, you don”€™t want to do by yourself. And for God’s sake, never anger the waxer!


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