November 10, 2010

Dear Friends,
From…“€œWill I confuse my boy dog if I dress him up like a girl dog? I think the girl dog clothes are so much cuter and just can”€™t help myself”€…to…“€œI am really concerned that 9/11 was a conspiracy to distract Americans from what is really going on in the world, and I think the guy who works next to me is in on it. What should I do?”€…please, seriously, write to me with any and all of your questions, concerns, thoughts, dilemmas, or confusions:
“€”Delphi in Rome

Dear Delphi,

I have this one coffee spot I have been going to for five years and I am very attached. The problem is they hired a new coffee guy about four months ago and he always gives me eyes. I told him, dude I am not gay, but I still get eyes; any suggestions?

“€”Unwanted Eyes in D.C.

Dear Unwanted Eyes in D.C.,

Unfortunately there is very little a good-looking person can do to stop people, hetero or homo, from looking at them. A wise Italian taxi driver once said, “€œIt is a good-looking person’s responsibility to leave the house looking good so that all the slobs will have something nice to look at, a bright spot in their otherwise mundane day.”€ So don”€™t stop brushing your hair and teeth or start wearing a sweatsuit, nappy hat, and sneakers à la Hollywood actor in disguise (a true disgrace) and punish the rest of the world.

“€œThere is only one surefire way to lose weight; don”€™t eat.”€

Your best bet would be to go to the coffee spot with your girlfriend or a female friend early in the morning and do some serious kissing over coffee and a pastry. Make sure you slurp a lot, maybe even spill a bit, and pick the most flaky or crumbly pastry you can. True, this may cause all the morning customers to find you unattractive, but it would be a small price to pay if it gets you out of coffee guy’s fantasy land. You don”€™t want management to ask you to never come back, so make sure you don”€™t overdo it and actually make people feel ill.

Dear Delphi,

I have five children, I have been married to my husband for upward of 10 years, but I can”€™t stop thinking about my high-school boyfriend. I dreamt about him every time I was pregnant, I recently saw him at our reunion, and we had a really flirty chat and now he is a constant thought in my mind. What should I do? Should I leave my husband?

“€”Ex-Anxiety in Dublin

Dear Ex-Anxiety in Dublin,

No, I do not think you should leave your husband. Good reasons to consider leaving your husband are: He is a homosexual and brings his lover to dinner pretending he is a coworker; he is sleeping with your 18-year-old daughter’s best friend; or you have been cheating on him with his best friend every chance you get. I could tell you, if you think you are looking cute enough, feeling flirty enough, and have the energy, call him up and see where it goes. But I wouldn”€™t; flirty chat is not a good enough reason to turn your family upside-down. Divorce is not a good idea and should be illegal except under very extreme circumstances. This idea that you have a right to be happy at any cost, that life is supposed to be fun, gratifying, and full of new experiences every second of every day, is a bunch of bull sold to the masses by the politicians and entertainers who want to keep you stupid, fat, and unhappy. You decided to get married and have five children of your own free will; now you have responsibilities, not choices. You sound more bored than unhappy, so look for a new hobby before you go looking for a new hubby.


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