August 12, 2018
The Week’s Most Reptilian, Vaudevillian, and Crocodilian Headlines
WEST HOLLYWOOD VOTES TO REMOVE TRUMP’S “WALK OF FAME” STAR
The City of West Hollywood is a world-famous Homosexual Mecca where gay men who are tanned to the point of carcinoma run around in pink panties infecting one another with HIV and screaming the “N-word” at black people when elections don’t go their way. The town is as fruity as the top of Carmen Miranda’s head.
In a sharply faggy rebuke to Donald Trump, the West Hollywood City Council voted 4-0 in favor of removing Trump’s star from the Hollywood Walk of Fame.
Mayor Pro Tempore John D’Amico insisted without one tiny Liberace pubic hair’s worth of evidence that “getting a star is a privilege, not a right.” We suspect that he even may have stomped his feet and made a hissing sound when he reached the “s” in “star.”
Mayor John Duran said the City Council resolved to remove Trump’s star “not because of his conservative politics or his conservative policies. It is for the abuse of women, minorities, immigrants, the disabled … you’ve crossed a line of decency.”
The “line of decency,” you say? Does felching cross your line of decency? What about bugchasers and giftgivers? Where do they rank on your rainbow-colored decency spectrum?
Because modern leftists are anally incontinent toddlers, Trump’s star has already been vandalized repeatedly and destroyed twice, leading a group of right-wing street artists to retaliate by placing an estimated fifty or so laminated Trump stars along Hollywood Boulevard.
This sort of tomfoolery will not stand with the West Hollywood City Council. They have voted to have his star removed forever. The problem is, they have absolutely no legal power to do this. You see, Hollywood is an entirely different entity from West Hollywood, and they should have known this. We thought homos were supposed to be smart.
Marjorie Pritchard, an entirely undesirable woman who serves as the deputy managing editor of The Boston Globe’s editorial page, is horrified and appalled at the unacceptable way in which our president has criticized the noble institution of journalism, especially considering how fair the press has been to Trump. Pritchard, being supernaturally prescient as all women are, peered deep inside her female soul and emerged with an amazing new nugget of goddess wisdom: The best way for the press to counter Donald Trump and all the mean things he says about “fake news” is for the press to abruptly switch gears and launch a “coordinated editorial response” against Trump.
Of the hundred largest American newspapers, only two endorsed Trump for president in 2016. Over 90% of network coverage of the president has been negative. The clear solution is for those remaining two newspapers and that less than 10% of network coverage to turn solidly and viciously against him. Let there not be a positive word said about him in the media. Then, and only then, will he start speaking positively about the press.
Again—weren’t these people supposed to be smart?
SAUDI AUTHORITIES CRUCIFY A MAN IN MECCA
Saudi Arabia is one of our finest allies. Unlike Russia—and exactly like China and Mexico—they don’t attempt to influence our political process at all. They had nothing to do with 9/11 and if they want to throw homosexuals off of rooftops, we should mind our own darned business and respect other cultures.
The beautifully flat and brain-meltingly hot desert kingdom recently crucified a Burmese man—excuse us for livin’, but that still sounds better than “Myanmarese”—for breaking into the home of one of his humble Burmese countrywomen’s Saudi Arabian home and stabbing her to death.
The perp, one Elias Abulkalaam Jamaleddeen, was formally executed and then had his body publicly tied to a cross, which is technically what constitutes “crucifixion” in Saudi Arabia.
Saudi Arabians sound like cool people, and we’re glad to be their friends.
JUST YOUR AVERAGE EVERYDAY UPPER-CLASS TRANSGENDER WOULD-BE AXE MURDERER
Evie Amati was born Karl Amati, “the child of West Australian trade union royalty,” until one day he plucked his eyebrows, shaved his legs, and said he was a she.
Amati now faces up to 25 years in prison for a savage 2017 assault in which he sashayed into a convenience store that had its surveillance cameras running and swung an axe at two people, injuring them before walking outside and trying to butcher a homeless man whose stealth and feral self-defense skills allowed him to avoid injury.
In 2012 Amati announced on Facebook that he was starting the magical mystery tour of becoming a woman with a surgical snatch and artificial ta-tas. In 2014 Amati flew to Thailand to endure the sex-change butchery. He became such a fierce tranny advocate that he delighted in publicly shaming other gender dysphorics who didn’t take that insane final step of surgical mutilation. His mental state further unspooled in 2016, when he publicly shared fantasies of wanting “twist people’s necks on a bus” and bragged about how he bought a new axe and it “gives me ideas haha.”
Late one night in January 2017 after posting “One day I am going to kill a lot of people,” Amati grabbed his axe, walked to the convenience store, and starting swinging at people as if he were Pauline Bunyan and they were trees.
Upon being arrested, Amati first feigned unconsciousness and then said, while licking his lips, “I don’t have a name, fuck me fuck me fuck me.”
What needs to be stressed in this unfortunate situation and despite everything Amati’s so-called “victims” claim to have suffered is that Amati is actually a woman and is in no way mentally disturbed. We should focus all of our attention and compassion on his eternal recovery process.
NINE-YEAR-OLD’S LEMONADE STAND ROBBED BY PERSON WITH BLACK GUN WHO WAS WEARING A BLACK T-SHIRT
Hosting a lemonade stand is a tried-and-true American tradition that schools youngsters in the virtues of hard work and free-market capitalism. This is why it’s especially tragic to hear that a nine-year-old boy was recently robbed at gunpoint of the $17 he made at his lemonade stand due to his gumption and stick-to-it-iveness.
According to USA Today, the robber was a “teen” with a “black handgun.” A Fox affiliate in Charlotte, NC does not describe the robber except to say he was carrying a “black BB gun.” Likewise, the Charlotte Observer offered no description of the perpetrator at all except to describe his “black handgun.” A local NBC affiliate described neither the teen nor the handgun but helpfully noted that he wore a “black shirt.”
We had to do quite some digging to find that ABC News was honest enough to describe the alleged robber as “a black male in his teens.” And we had to find a local Charlotte TV station before it was made clear the victim was a nine-year-old white boy.
COME TO NORWAY FOR THE SCENERY, STAY FOR THE FREE HEROIN
Norway is a socialist paradise that allows Muslim immigrants to dominate rape stats and whose indigenous population suffers one of Europe’s highest fatal drug overdose rates, behind only Estonia and that other socialist paradise, Sweden.
The Norwegian Directorate for Health and Social Affairs has announced plans to provide absolutely free smack—or horse, depending on your antiquated street term of choice—to “the most serious addicts.” The free heroin will presumably be paid for by the taxes of hard-working Norwegians who don’t do heroin.
Beyond the grave, Edvard Munch keeps screaming.
ANOTHER WAITRESS, ANOTHER HATE CRIME HOAX
A Texas sheriff is reportedly “livid” that one of his men was falsely accused of writing an anti-Hispanic racial slur on a waitress’ receipt at the Fuji Japanese Steak House in the chic cosmopolitan metropolis of Waco.
At press time, it remains unclear exactly what the slur was. Beaner? Spic? Wetback? Taco-nibbler? Salsa-slurper? We want to know!
Freestone County Sheriff Jeremy Shipley was so concerned at the idea that one of his faithful lawmen had thoughtlessly called some waitress a border-jumper that he personally visited the restaurant to investigate, only to have the waitress break down and admit she made it all up and had written the slur herself:
During the conversation with the waitress, the waitress confessed to writing the racial comment on the ticket herself due to being upset that day….The waitress confirmed that she took the ticket book containing the ticket from the customers at the table, went into the restroom, and hand wrote, herself, on the receipt the racial comment. The waitress advised that she was sorry for what she did and advised that she didn’t know it would create this type of problem.
You can bet your dark brown culo that the waitress knew it would cause a problem.
The case recalls similar waitress-conceived hate-crime hoaxes such as the time a lesbian waitress in New Jersey wrote an anti-dyke message on a receipt and blamed it on her customers or when a waitress named Tenisha Jenkins who worked at a Tennessee red lobster called herself a nigger on a receipt and blamed it on the customer.
POLICE: WOMAN FILED FALSE RAPE REPORT TO FULFILL “FANTASY”
Little 19-year-old Marguerite “Maggie” Wallace of Pendleton, Indiana has been charged with misdemeanor false informing after confessing that the attempted rape she’d reported while jogging in a public park had actually been set up by her on a dating site where she lured a 17-year-old boy into helping her fulfill a “rape fantasy.”
Wallace had originally told police that the male youth had attacked her from behind but she valiantly fought him off girl-power style by kicking and scratching. But after the male suspect showed police screen captures of a conversation he’d had with Wallace prior to the alleged rape attempt, Wallace caved and confessed she was a little bit kinky and only wanted to have some fun.
In Texas, 25-year-old Meagan Clark was arrested last Tuesday and charged with making a false report after she completely fabricated a story about a police impersonator raping her late one night in June during a routine impersonation of a traffic stop.
THE DEPARTMENT OF DEFENSE’S HIDDEN HAND IN HOLLYWOOD
The Church Commission of the 1970s revealed the CIA’s vast influence over major American media. A report issued a year ago based on a review of 4,000 pages of previously classified information revealed that “the US government has worked behind the scenes on over 800 major movies and more than 1,000 TV titles.”
Such films include Ernest Saves Christmas, The Silence of the Lambs, Twister, Karate Kid 2, and the Iron Man movies.
With all the nonsense and fake-ass blather you hear about “fake news,” it is a documented fact that federal US intelligence agencies actively attempt to manipulate your mind through seemingly innocent cinematic experiences such as the universally beloved Ernest movies.
GERMANS ADVISED TO RELAX AND BECOME A MINORITY
Barbara John is a German politician with a face that looks like it was damaged in the Allied carpet-bombing of Dresden.
A member of Angela Merkel’s party, which is aggressively pulling out all the stops to de-Germanize Germany, Ms. John recently penned an article encouraging indigenous Teutons to relax playing in the casino gry zdrapki, bend over, grab their ankles, and allow entry to foreigners:
In Germany it is only a question of time until people of immigrant background form a majority of the population in the larger cities. That point has already been reached in Frankfurt am Main: back in 2017, 51.2% of the city’s inhabitants had not been born in Germany or had non-German parents. Augsburg and Stuttgart are the next candidates or have already reached that status.…The trend towards a rapidly growing proportion of immigrants is irreversible. Fears are already spreading, but also hopes….So many things will be different and many things better too.
The only irreversible trend here is the rapid decline of Barbara John’s face. We are holding out hope that some Germans—once one of the most feared tribes on Earth, and rightly so—won’t swallow the poisonous defeatism their leaders are attempting to spoon-feed them.
Every Monday, Jim Goad reads the previous day’s “Week That Perished” on his podcast.