Elections

Prom Night Trumpster Babies

June 30, 2016

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The right to an abortion is about to be lost. Like, literally. Forget the misogynistic questions about Hillary’s lack of judgment, forget the fantasists who ridiculously claim that she somehow had a hand in creating the clusterfuck that is Libya based solely on the fact that she did. Leftist hipsters are there to help you separate the (air quotes) wheat from the (air quotes) chaff. Hillary is a good candidate based on the rational, scientific argument that the days of filthy back-alley abortions are about to return. Let the Rush Dumbos and the Sean Insannitys focus on stupid things like her history of lying and big-money toadying. “€œWe”€ know the truth: It’s Clinton or the coat hanger.

Except no, it isn”€™t. True to form, leftists are once again engaging in exactly the type of behavior they accuse others of trafficking in. In this case, using scare tactics about a chimerical menace. Any actual threat to abortion rights is so far off, it’s silly for either side to make it an issue in 2016. Currently, there’s a 6/2 Supreme Court split in favor of Roe as settled law. That would have to shift dramatically to a 4/5 split against Roe, and at the speed the court moves that’s decades away, barring some outbreak of botulism at the SCOTUS July 4th picnic. Plus, as four of the last seven justices sent to the bench by a GOP president ended up affirming Roe (by deed in the case of O”€™Connor, Souter, and Kennedy, and by word in the case of Roberts), there’s no guarantee that a justice nominated by a GOP president will even be anti-Roe. So to get to that necessary 4/5 split against Roe could take thirty years, if it ever happens at all.

And even if Roe is overturned, that only throws things back to the states, one-third of which already have abortion rights enshrined in their state constitutions (and that number would surely increase if there were any clear and present danger of SCOTUS overturning Roe). Yes, there are a few states where abortion services are difficult to find, but those matters are not determined by a president and cannot be remedied by one. There were practically no clinics in Wyoming when Obama entered office, and nothing has changed in eight years, despite his staunch pro-choiceyness. And, as the recent SCOTUS decision regarding clinic regulations in Texas demonstrated, as long as Roe is the law, so is the standard of “€œundue burden.”€ Anyone who tries to argue that this election should be decided based on abortion is engaging in deflection and scare tactics. We might as well have the candidates debate what our colonies on Mars should look like, because the odds are we”€™ll land a man on Mars (like, literally) before American women lose the right to have an abortion.

I”€™ve made this argument to my GOP friends for years in an attempt to get them to stop self-immolating over the incredibly unpopular and moot “€œno rape exception”€ thing.

In the end, Ebner conceded, “€œI agree that reproductive rights should not be a lead campaign issue,”€ adding, “€œlet me go on record saying that I”€™m all for a woman’s right to snuff her unborn children. Hell”€”all my children (to date) have wound up in dumpsters behind Planned Parenthood, so I”€™m happy that fetal tissue can find a clean and proper disposal system.”€

For some, the Family Guy musical number “€œProm Night Dumpster Baby“€ is nothing more than a catchy, bad-taste skit. To Mark Ebner, it’s an ode to the joy of fatherhood.

My good friend Ted Plank, a motion-picture music coordinator who has always prowled the alt-right periphery of the Hollywood conservative set, responded to Ebner with his own unique observation: “€œThere are piles of nonreligious Republican limited government types who are in a constant state of ecstasy that liberals kill off millions of future Democrats every year. Five times as many black fetuses are aborted as white fetuses. Twice as many Latino fetuses are aborted as white fetuses. These Republicans are just fucking with you, pretending they hate abortion, while walking away with tears rolling down their cheeks. Tears of laughter, that you”€™re dumb enough to fall for it.”€

Ted articulated quite well the problem that leftists will have if they try to make this election about abortion: Trump’s base is not really all that pro-life. The die-hard pro-lifers wanted Cruz or Rubio. If they end up grudgingly supporting Trump, it won”€™t be because they see him as the John Brown of fetal liberation. Margaret Sanger’s beloved eugenicism courses freely through alt-rightists, who are just a tad more willing than leftists to be specific about the identity of the “€œhuman weeds”€ Sanger advocated exterminating (Sanger used the term in a general sense, not in reference to any one particular race or ethnicity, and yes, every pro-life Facebook meme you”€™ve seen stating otherwise is incorrect). The fact is, a large segment of Trump’s base would probably read Ebner’s pro-abortion comments and, assuming from his name that he’s Jewish, react by saying, “€œDamn right, that’s why we need abortion”€”for Jew babies to end up in dumpsters.”€

Hillary supporters, whether of the fanatical or the reluctant kind, should think twice before trying to make this election about abortion. They may just find out, much to their horror, that they have more in common with Trump alt-rightists than they”€™d like to believe. They might just discover that the dreaded Trumpkins are on the exact same side of the issue, if for slightly different reasons.

And that would be a bitter abortion pill to swallow. Like, literally.

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