Vile Bodies

Rahm Emanuel’s Tiny Fingers

February 14, 2011

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Rahm Emanuel

I believe it is still within my constitutional rights to dislike Rahm Emanuel, but in the spirit of universal fairness which will likely destroy Western civilization, I wouldn”€™t feel entirely justified in disliking him until I gave him a fair hearing.

Before researching this article I didn”€™t know much about him, only that I hated his face. Dark-brown, anus-like circles rim his lifeless eyes. His smirk is so tauntingly smug, I feel like smacking it all the way back to the Dead Sea. His overall appearance is vaguely reptilian, but if forced to specify a reptile, I”€™d choose the bearded dragon lizard. Based on no evidence whatsoever, I also suspect that he smells rather oniony”€”perhaps even garlicky.

When it comes to matters of the soul, I believe the noble thing is to defer to those of higher character, so I asked two people I admire greatly to share their feelings toward Obama’s recently departed Chief of Staff and, if things go as expected on February 22, Chicago’s next mayor.

The first person I quizzed is a friend of great humor and ample generosity who has never so much as slightly irritated me in the nearly two decades I”€™ve known him”€”a miracle where I”€™m concerned. He voted for Obama. When I asked for his impressions of Rahm Emanuel, he used the words “€œasshole”€ and “€œdick.”€

My second interviewee was my mother-in-law, a pure Georgia snowflake who dropped from heaven and is one of the two or three most guile-free humans I”€™ve ever known. It’s nearly impossible to imagine her disliking anyone. She votes Republican. When I queried her about Rahm Emanuel, she squinched her nose, shook her head, and said, “€œNo, I don”€™t like that man.”€

So it isn”€™t just me.

In respect for the Fairness Doctrine, I tasked myself with finding something to like about him, no matter how trivial. It could even be some stupid hobby. He could be a basket-weaver or a juggler or have a penchant for wearing funny mustaches on weekends”€”I don”€™t care. I wanted to hear something that humanized him rather than validating my suspicions that he’s even more of an emotionless cutthroat robot-shark than Hillary Clinton.

“€œThe City of Big Shoulders may soon be ruled by a Man with Small Fingers.”€

For two days, I gorged myself on Rahm Emanuel. I lived, breathed, slept, ate, and smelled Rahm Emanuel. I read over 100 articles about him and watched about two dozen videos featuring his rubbery grey lips moving in live action to discern whether there was anything that would quell my desire to see him get hit by a truck full of Muslims.

Nope. Nothing. There’s absolutely nothing to like about him. I tried”€”I swear upon all three of Western monotheism’s Gods, I tried.

He says “€œfuck”€ a lot, uses the word “€œretarded”€ as a slur, sends disgusting things to his enemies in the mail, threatens people while in the nude, and is known for an explosive temper. But I recuse myself from judging him about any of those things, for I am guilty of all of them. Still, I dislike him.

He’s the kind of guy who farts on-camera and doesn”€™t even apologize. When the president of the frickin”€™ US of A asks him to stop cracking his goddamned knuckles, he squeezes in a few last cracks right in the Commander in Chief’s elephant-sized ears.

That’s a jerkoff as far as I”€™m concerned. A putz. A schmuck. A schmendrick. As someone asked on a comment board regarding Rahm, “€œWhat’s the Hebrew word for “€˜douchebag”€™?”€

My animus for Rahm Emanuel has nothing to do with him being Jewish, though mentioning the fact that he’s Jewish”€”or even not mentioning it, but daring to criticize anything about him”€”is to beg for a 100MPH “€œanti-Semitic”€ fastball to be rocketed into your catcher’s mitt quicker than you can say, “€œNathan’s Hot Dogs.”€

But there’s a difference between being Jewish and being an asshole about it. So let’s get the Jewish schmutz out of the way. The man’s name is Rahm Israel Emanuel, for fuck’s sake. That’s WAY too theocratic of a name for someone to hold public office. I”€™d have the same objections if the politician was named Jesus Christ King or Muhammad Ummah Jihad. Referring to Emanuel’s Jewishness, ADL director Abe Foxman said, “€œHe has never hesitated it to wear it proudly on his sleeve.”€ That’s nice, but if I wore my whiteness proudly on my sleeve, you”€™d paint a swastika on it.

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