March 27, 2015
Fox News has been broadcasting a series of Florida vacation shockers under the title, “Spring Break Exposed.” They”re showing twenty-somethings partying in bikinis and smoking joints while yelling, “Fuck my parents” to the camera. As old people, it seems outrageous but kids will be kids, right? College students have been going to Florida to party since the 1930s and it’s always been relatively decadent. The footage they”re showing on Fox looks exactly like the previous generation’s parties only with less bathing suit and more diversity. Sure there may be a fight or two and it’s possible an inebriated cad may get a little fresh with a lady but these are college students we”re talking about. As the guy who created the Winnebago said, “You can”t take sex, booze, or weekends away from the American people.” What are you going to do, say, “No daughters allowed”? That would make it a total sausage-fest, dude, and that’s “un-American.” This seems like a pretty solid opinion. However, on the off chance the truth is counterintuitive and my hunch is incorrect, I should probably look into it a little bit.
I spoke to a lot of people who were there including the film crew who got the footage for Fox, a Florida pharmacist and a party promoter and when they were done explaining how different this Spring Break is from any other before it, I had to scrape my jaw off the floor with a spatula. Turns out, I was wrong. Spring Break today is nothing like the ones we went to.
#SpringBreak2k15 as the kids are calling it, is the worst one yet and makes 2014 look like a Frankie and Annette movie. Last year, I said on Fox that you should be more worried about your daughter going down there than your son. Jon Stewart scoffed and said, “Let’s all just agree that that is sexist” and it was decreed. Like the opening paragraph of this article, Jonathan Stuart Leibowitz and the rest of the “my feelings are facts” crowd say they partied when they were young ergo, everything is the same. Men and women are equal and there is no extra information to glean from actually checking it out. Well, here on earth, we have real daughters and that means reality matters. We know we can”t hover over them 24 hours a day and although we”d love to ban them from going to rape festivals, there will always be the possibility they”ll ignore us. That leaves us with one weapon: information. They need to know exactly what goes on there even if that makes us look square. I”d rather be uncool than a rape apologist. Women are not as strong as men. They can”t even hold their booze as well as men. Stop telling them slut walks are cool and they”re all total badasses. I keep getting in trouble for saying these basic facts because that’s how far from reality we”ve strayed.
Not only is 2015 worse than last year, this point in March is way worse than the beginning of March. The celebration starts off relatively peacefully with the Ivy League schools getting out at the beginning of the month. There are some drug dealers and the occasional “100 miler” (predators who come in from out of town to take advantage of drunk girls and rob drunk boys). However, as the month proceeds, the “100 milers” are joined by “1,000 milers” and the outsider population begins to rival that of the college kids. At this point, the nucleus (a football-sized beach party behind the two main bars) has become a heaving throng of 10,000 kids packed shoulder-to-shoulder. Fox can”t show the footage in this Lord of the Flies zone because they can”t get in there “ nobody can “ not even cops. Even if they could get in there, the only place you”d be able to show the footage publicly is on a hardcore porn site (Fox was able to show what appeared to be gangbangers holding up massive stacks of cash). Sexual assault abounds and what I find particularly scary about the whole thing is the apathy that surrounds it. I believe this is due to the prevalence of heroin.