July 10, 2012

Since women (and not a few men) obviously love a man in uniform, where is all the porn featuring the Royal Canadian Mounted Police?

Dirty cops are an X-rated staple, and “€œthe UPS guy”€ has almost driven the once-ubiquitous “€œmailman”€ out of the porn business.

Even Nazis get to go where Mounties fear to tread. Those sleek black (Hugo Boss-designed) SS getups can get under even the most surprising skins: During the Eichmann trial in Israel, “€œStalag”€ porn became Über-popular sexual samizdat.

So this slightly put-out Canuck wonders: What’s wrong with the RCMP, eh? Their uniforms are pretty sharp, too. And Due South fandom was rabid.

Yet there’s a distinct Mountie-porn void, one that violates a law of the Internet”€”“€œRule 34″€ to be exact, which declares, “€œIf it exists, there is porn of it.”€

“€œWhere is all the porn featuring the Royal Canadian Mounted Police?”€

I Googled “€œmountie porn”€ and got plenty of news stories about real-life Mounties up on (as it were) porn charges.

The latest and most embarrassing development concerns one Cpl. Jim Brown, who allegedly “€œbreached professional standards when he appeared in bondage images”€”showing a booted man with his foot on the back of a woman on her hands and knees wrapped in cellophane….”€

It’s unclear from the photo in question whether those are regulation-issue RCMP boots he’s pushing onto said lady’s arched back.

The RCMP are famously stupid and corrupt. The Wikipedia page devoted to that very topic includes entries about the “€œKilling of Inuit Sled Dogs,”€ the “€œTheft of dynamite,”€ and the notorious (up here) “€œBarn-burning scandal.”€

But not even that sinister streak has made Mounties attractive to porn producers. My Google search turned up not a single video”€”pro or am, straight or gay”€”entitled Diddley Do Right or Studly Do Wrong or Musical Ride or Raoul Gets His Man! or Red Surge #12.

All I could find was a 16-minute (not safe for work) clip of porn actress Letha Weapons starring in The Mountie, yet the only connection seemed to be that she was wearing what looked like a Mountie hat before consorting with a mullet-headed man who clearly wasn”€™t dressed as a Mountie.


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