August 31, 2011
SWALLOWING MORE THAN PRIDE
I keep asking all my friends, but I cannot get a straight answer: Is it OK if I do not swallow? I am 42 and married to a man of 40. We have two small children and everything is going just fine. I was at a play date for my oldest the other day when the topic came up again, and I always feel like a fool. Do I have to swallow? I feel like an idiot, but somehow I still don’t know what is right or what is OK.
—Spit or Swallow in Des Moines
Dear Spit or Swallow in Des Moines,
I hope no one ever asks me this question again. The real problem is not whether you spit or swallow; it’s why at 42 with two kids and a husband you are worried about it and talking about it openly. You should have sorted out the spit/swallow conundrum by the age of 16, or at the very latest 20. Why do you care, and why do you think others care? Nobody—and I mean nobody—wants to know about how you and your husband exchange bodily fluids. Trust me, they will judge you more because you brought it up than they would ever judge you for what you do behind closed doors—that’s why the doors are closed. If you are still feeling insecure, the only person to discuss it with is your husband. Since he’s the, eh, “donor” of what you choose to spit or swallow, he’s the only one with a vested interest. Do whatever you want and stop bothering people about it! Ew!
HAPPY OLD (POSSIBLY GAY) BACHELOR
My 58-year-old brother, once wed, once divorced, no children, has been on the market for years, but he can’t seem to get it done. By “get it done,” I mean, “remarry and have children.” He is attractive and young for his age, both in personality and in looks. What can I do to help him find a wife and hopefully have children?
—Concerned Sis in San Francisco