The Week’s Sassiest, Brassiest, and Gassiest Headlines
ALYSSA “DEFUND THE POLICE” MILANO CALLS 911 ON SQUIRREL-SHOOTING DOMESTIC TERRORIST
Formerly sexy actress Alyssa Milano is best known for her groundbreaking 1988 workout video “Teen Steam” that features people of different races stretching and sweating together without any noticeable outbreaks of violence.
Since she now enjoys a net worth of around $10 million and lives in a 8,000-square-foot house in a gated community, she openly identifies with the poor and oppressed like any other Hollywood dimwit plagued with wealth guilt. In July, she tweeted her support for an LA County bill that would cut police funding by 90%. In August, she burped out a simple “#DefundThePolice.”
Recently, alarmed at the sound of gunfire near her lavish crow’s nest, she dialed 911 in panic, resulting in “seven Ventura County Sheriffs’ vehicles, one K-9 unit, a police helicopter and one Los Angeles Fire Department team that sat down the street on standby” infesting her tony neighborhood.
According to a local resident, “It turned out it was a neighborhood teen with an air gun shooting at squirrels.” After being informed that his squirrelly endeavors caused havoc in the neighborhood, the rodent-poaching juvenile delinquent turned himself into the police that Milano seeks to defund. Since at press time, we have received no reports that the police murdered the teen, we will assume he is not black.
Another resident noted that Milano is a big poopy-faced hypocrite:
She can tweet those things because at the end of the day she lives behind gates in a gated community. She knows the police will come to save her. But what about all those people who don’t have that luxury and live in unsafe neighborhoods? She obviously doesn’t care. She uses her platform in hypocritical ways. Why not send your husband into the yard to find out what is actually going on before you call the police? I would guesstimate the response today from law enforcement cost taxpayers thousands of dollars.
You heard it here first: Sometimes Hollywood stars say one thing and then do another.
Breonna Taylor was a black woman in Louisville, KY whose boyfriend shot at cops while they were in the process of legally serving a warrant. Even though the cops reportedly knocked and announced they were cops, we are led to believe that the only reason they showed up at her apartment was to shoot a black woman to death, resulting in months of riots and the eventual complete obliteration of Louisville as a functional municipality.
If you’ve been paying attention, in every last freaking one of these high-profile cases where a black person gets shot and killed by cops, there was some level of resisting arrest involved. In Taylor’s case, she was the unfortunate victim of a shooting that occurred when her paramour made the dumb decision to start shooting at cops.
After months of delays, public pressure finally forced Louisville to convene a grand jury to determine if the police had broken any laws. Last week, they decided that only one of the three cops who fired bullets that night had committed a crime—his recklessness had endangered residents in adjoining apartments.
Naturally, Twitter erupted with the predictably counterfactual cries of “IT’S LEGAL IN AMERIKKKA FOR COPS TO MURDER BLACK WOMEN WITH IMPUNITY” and suchlike. By this point, you should have realized that facts have never mattered to these idiots, because if they did, they would have been far more successful in life than their global record of constant failure would indicate.
Two police officers were shot during the first night of peaceful protests. At least 160 people were arrested, including the only black woman on Kentucky’s state legislature. Some will see this as proof of endemic racism in Kentucky. Others—the smart ones—will see it as proof that black politicians are more likely to riot than others.
Twitter, which has an odd concept of what constitutes incitement to violence—allowed the phrase “Burn Louisville” to trend without banning anyone. Outright calls for arson and decapitation even slipped past their censors:
Burn it to the fucking ground and put Daniel Cameron’s head on a pike at the highest point of the ashes. #JusticeForBreonnaTaylor
Then again, the guy who posted that looks like this, just as you knew he would. Of COURSE he’s an obese, bearded white guy who dresses up as a woman.
TWITTER’S RACIST ALGORITHM CROPS BLACKS OUT OF PHOTOS
The problem with robots, just as with white people, is that they are both racist and sexist. A 2016 AI bot that Microsoft christened “Tay” rapidly turned into a Jew-hating Nazi, and in 2018 Google was forced to forbid any pictures from being labeled as a chimpanzee or a monkey because its racist algorithms equated these beasts to black people.
Twitter, since it is a white-supremacist company operating in a white-supremacist country under a white-supremacist form of capitalism, recently caught heat when it emerged that an image-cropping algorithm on the site routinely cropped black people out of pictures. It repeatedly cropped Barack Obama out of a picture with Mitch McConnell. It even cropped black Labradors out of pictures with golden Labs.
No one ever said that robots aren’t smart.
GINSBURG DIES, DEMS ISSUE THREATS
Wheezing judicial yenta Ruth Bader Ginsburg recently passed into the great beyond after enduring the longest recorded death in world history, and it seems as if the entire progressive world shit themselves in unison.
When Ginsburg finally died, they didn’t sadistically celebrate like they did four years ago when Antonin Scalia passed away; instead they sadistically threatened to shut down the government and pack the Supreme Court with judges who believe the Constitution gives you the right to get white people fired from their jobs for refusing to be white.
Former US Attorney General Eric Holder, a former Black Panther under whose reign the FBI ceased to break down the race of criminal perpetrators and victims for obvious reasons, supported packing the court with judges who think it’s a good idea to let former Black Panthers become the country’s chief prosecutor:
You know what the reality is, if Merrick Garland had been confirmed, as he should have been, there would have been a progressive majority for the past three years. So I think that if, if in fact [the Republicans] are successful in placing a justice on the court, I think that what Democrats have to do — assuming Biden is president and there is a Senate majority for the Democrats — we need [to] think about court reform. And at a minimum, as part of that reform package, I think additional justices need to be placed on the Supreme Court.
If anyone knows of any losers in world history who have lost with less grace than Democrats from 2016 onward, please email the editors.
D.O.J. LISTS THREE CITIES AS “ANARCHIST JURISDICTIONS” FOR ALLOWING UNFETTERED RIOTING
After nearly four months of doing next to nothing about the rioting that is forever destroying the nation’s cities, Trump’s DOJ finally designated three cities—New York, Seattle, and Portland—as “anarchist jurisdictions” for their failure to curb the nonstop retarded looting and smashing and burning.
According to Attorney General William Barr:
We cannot allow federal tax dollars to be wasted when the safety of the citizenry hangs in the balance. It is my hope that the cities identified by the Department of Justice today will reverse course and become serious about performing the basic function of government and start protecting their own citizens.
New York Governor Andrew Cuomo, who’s a douche but not nearly as douchey as his brother Chris, threatened to disobey the US government and then sue it:
I understand the politics, but when you try to manipulate and distort government agencies to play politics, which is what the Trump administration has done from day one…this is more of the same. The president can’t supersede the law and say I’m going to make those funds basically discretionary funds, which is what he would have to do. If they actually do this, we will challenge it legally, and they will lose once again.
Perhaps New York’s first mistake was permitting Italians to enter.
GUN-TOTING BLACK MEN BOAST ABOUT SCARING COPS
Remember that thing called “gun control”? Have you noticed that everyone stopped talking about it, like, late in May for some reason?
Yahoo! News is another outlet that relentlessly pushed gun control until their editors got sexually excited at the sight of black men hoisting guns and aiming them at white people. They recently shat out a glowing tribute to some all-black militia in Minnesota called the “Freedom Fighters” who are battling for “racial justice,” whatever the hell THAT means. Pretty sure at this point, it means, “more dead whites.”
Without asking a single follow-up question, they quote a sourpussed woman named Leslie Redmond, president of the Minneapolis National Assn. for the Advancement of Colored People, who said that most of the wreckage in Minneapolis after George Floyd croaked was caused by “white supremacists”:
These brothers were there in the beginning, when threats were being made by white supremacists. There is no doubt they stepped up for the community.
They also quote a Rev. Tim Christopher, who says that cops are afraid of black men with guns:
It’s been a breath of fresh air. Seeing an armed Black [sic] man — knowing he is here to take care of the community, nurture the community — is a blessing. At that point, my hands are on the steering wheel and I say, ‘Yes, officer, I have a firearm and it’s legal.’ They always back up and place a hand on their gun.… There is a stigma, and they’re scared of Black [sic] men with guns.
What an absurd fear! Black men, who comprise only six percent of the population, routinely commit only a wee bit over half the murders in the USA. Why would anyone be afraid of them?