The Week’s Most Blazing, Crazing, and Hair-Raising Headlines
“WAS IT SOMETHING WE SAID?”
Some people are really slow to take a hint. After a thousand years of pogroms, forced expulsions, and a Holocaust, the Jews of Europe are finally packing up and moving on. According to a recently released study by the London-based Institute for Jewish Policy Research, the Jewish population of Europe has declined to its lowest level in a thousand years.
And it’s declining still.
If only someone had just told Hitler, “Be patient, dude; these things have a way of working themselves out.”
According to The Jerusalem Post, the study found a mere “1.3 million people who describe themselves as Jewish in continental Europe, the United Kingdom, Turkey and Russia.” That’s down from 3.2 million in the 1970s.
So why is Europe losing its Jews? There are several reasons. The first is that Jews are fleeing. And what are they fleeing from? Well, the Muslims they themselves helped bring in via their mindless support of far-left, Europhobic policies. Turns out the invasive species the Jews helped import as a safeguard against nationalism and “white supremacy” brought with it its own set of hatreds. French Jews are fleeing at an especially vigorous pace; apparently, the fetid, teeming Muslim immigrant slums and roving bands of bloodthirsty jihadists are making life a bit difficult for les Juifs Français. Jews in immigrant-flooded nations like Italy and Germany are similarly hightailing it.
So, having had a hand in making the mess, Jews are gonna let somebody else clean it up. Ironically, most European Jews are heading to Israel, a nation that understands the value of walls and border control.
Another reason for the population decline is infertility. Yet another example of unintended consequences. Having helped popularize the acceptance of same-sex marriage and wacky transgender pseudoscience, Jews are losing many of their own to childless same-sex marriages and penis-lopping gender switcheroo surgeries.
The Hebraics of Europe are learning that toughest of life lessons: Be careful what Jew wish for.
“AS USUAL, A KNIFE-WIELDING MANIAC HAS SHOWN US THE WAY.”
27-year-old Walter Wallace was an aspiring rapper, West Philadelphia born and raised. Sadly, he had a very odd way of chillin’ out, maxin’ & relaxin’ all cool. Sometimes it involved phoning terrorist threats to one of his baby mamas. Sometimes it involved choking a woman during a robbery. Sometimes it involved punching his own mama in the face and threatening to shoot her.
Talk about makin’ trouble in your neighborhood.
Last week, Wallace was chillin’ out with a butcher knife, chasing his family and friends like a hip-hop Ginsu salesman. When his moms called the cops, the “Fresh Mince” went after them with the knife, charging the responding officers even as they pleaded with him to drop the weapon. Within seconds, the failed rapper became a successful bullet receptacle, and blacks throughout the nation declared a day (or three or four) of looting in honor of dear departed Black the Knife.
Wallace’s family noted that this fine stabby father of nine had just gotten married last month (like they always say, a true gentleman will choose to settle down following his ninth out-of-wedlock welfare baby). Wallace’s cousin told NBC News, “He loved music. That’s what he loved and that’s what his aspirations were. His dreams are deferred, his dreams were cut down because he got murdered in the streets last night.”
Such lost potential…all those “eat dat big ol’ ass” raps that will never be, and all because a few policemen inexplicably didn’t want to get stabbed in the throat.
Philadelphia’s blacks displayed their brotherly love with night after night of rioting and looting. Cops were assaulted, as were reporters, white people in general, and Jews specifically. Walmarts were sacked, family-owned businesses obliterated, and a Chick fil-A was reduced to rubble (odd that Jesus failed to protect the company that ditched him for gay marriage last year). In response to the citywide devastation and mass injuries (including thirty cops brutalized by the mob), Pennsylvania governor Tom Wolf, a stuttering retard, p-p-praised the p-p-peacefulness of the p-p-protests.
Wolf Blitzer (a retard without the stutter) wondered aloud why the Philly cops didn’t just shoot Wallace in the leg. Since Blitzer is just a pretend newsman, there’s no reason to expect that he’s seen the many, many videos of cops trying to shoot charging knife-wielders who brave nonfatal hits and keep coming. Leftists seem to think that knives are nonlethal. Funny enough, just a few days ago a cop was killed by a rooster with a blade attached to its leg (don’t ask). Now, it’s unfair to compare a rooster to Walter Wallace; the average rooster sires fewer offspring with fewer females. But still, knives kill, even in the “hands” of poultry.
Topping off the carnival of moronity, Joe Biden eulogized Wallace on Twitter as if he were lauding MLK (he probably thought he was):
Our hearts are broken for the family of Walter Wallace Jr., and for all those suffering the emotional weight of learning about another Black life in America lost. Walter’s life mattered.
Speak for yourself, Joe. Some Americans are glad-hearted that it was Wallace and not a cop who got capped.
R.I.P. Walter Wallace. “Yo homes, smell ya later.”
THE FINAL SOLUTION TO THE DISINFORMATION PROBLEM
One of the most tiresome sci-fi movie clichés is the overused trope of the sentient robot charged with protecting mankind who decides to kill all humans because humans are the greatest threat to mankind. From Ultron to I, Robot, this “clever” plot device always follows the same course: In its zeal to do the right thing, the robot does the wrong thing because robots are simpleminded creations that take everything too literally and lack the human capacity to understand subtlety and nuance.
Mankind may not yet be in the age of sentient AI, we may not yet be lorded over by tunnel-visioned literalist robots, but thanks to leftist zealotry, we now have “prominent intellectuals” who, their circuits scrambled by four years of Trump and the possibility of four more to come, are acting exactly like the “kill mankind to save it” robots. Joshua Tucker is a professor of politics, data science, and Russian and Slavic studies at NYU, and Tucker has determined that there is only one way to ensure the integrity of the U.S. electoral process, only one way to eliminate fraud and disinformation, only one way to preserve honest elections: The American voter must not be allowed to participate in elections! Only by taking humans and their “opinions” out of the picture can democracy be saved.
As the Daleks are so fond of saying, EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!
Yes, Josh Tucker has realized that the main problem with American elections is that Americans participate in American elections. We could have safe, clean elections if not for all those damn annoying voters expressing their preferences (in a related story, the hospital that accepts no patients reported zero hospital-acquired infection deaths for the twentieth year in a row).
So Tucker is on a one-man mission to stop American interference in American elections:
There’s been a fixation on foreign interference, but the people who really have an incentive to influence the outcome of an election are people who live in that country—Americans.
No, that’s not from the Babylon Bee. A professor at a major U.S. university is criticizing the fact that Americans attempt to influence the outcome of American elections. Among Tucker’s solutions: Twitter must ban and remove all content that attempts to “manipulate” voters into casting their ballots one way or the other, because trying to elect or defeat a candidate has no place in an election.
As funny…well, as straight-out stupid, as that sounds, what Tucker’s proposing is the inevitable next step in the left’s war against “disinformation.” Soon enough, every opinion that counters leftist orthodoxy will be tarred as disinfo, and thus removed from social media. And Big Tech will innocently proclaim, “Oh no, we’re not censoring opinion, only disinformation!”
Those well-meaning myopic sci-fi robots were only acting as they believed their programming dictated. But the humans in Silicon Valley? They know exactly what they’re doing.
STARVING AFRICANS: THE 1980S ONE-HIT WONDER THAT NEVER GOES AWAY
The crusade to feed starving Africans started simply enough: There were Africans, and they were starving. For some unexplained reason, their own governments wouldn’t feed them, so it fell to Western pop stars (as it always does) to sing their little hearts out in the name of convincing selfish American and British whites to buy one less Fabergé egg for the week and use that money to feed those bloated-belly sub-Saharans. Band Aid’s “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” and USA for Africa’s “We Are the World” fought famine by flooding the U.K. and U.S. airwaves with songs that re-created for the listener the living hell of meeting a slow and painful end under a blistering Ethiopian sun.
It was sheer blackmail: “When the famine ends, so will our music.” So people gave, and gave generously.
Yet still, the Africans remained famished.
When music failed to solve the problem, the natural next step was humor. Comic Relief, a British charity dedicated to ending famine by telling fart jokes, was founded in 1985. An American iteration was formed the following year, headed by Robin Williams, Whoopi Goldberg, and Billy Crystal, whose onstage antics at benefits held throughout various African nations only served to remind the malnourished locals that there are in fact fates far worse than death by starvation.
It’s been 35 years since the founding of Comic Relief, and still, those damn starving Africans ain’t sated. So last week the organization announced a few changes. And good for them that it’s only taken three and a half decades of pouring money down a bottomless pit for the org’s leading lights to decide, “We need a better strategy.”
And what is that better strategy?
First off, no more “white saviors.” Those emaciated little African buggers have continued to starve because seeing so many white people coming to their rescue has harmed their self-esteem and put them right off their food. So from now on, Comic Relief decreed, whites will be in the background only:
Rather than fronting films about work in African nations, white celebrities are likely to be used to provide introductions to films or asked to promote locally made films on their personal social media accounts.
“The world does not need any more ‘white saviours,’” said one Labour MP in support of the charity’s decision to back-of-the-bus the whiteys.
The second major change at Comic Relief is that the charity “will no longer portray the continent using images of starving people or critically ill children.” Only images of happy, successful, well-fed Africans will be used to persuade whites to write large checks to cover food for unhappy, indigent, starving Africans. “Young Akim is living the high life, the life of royalty; he bathes in gold and bangs supermodels in the backseat of his limo. He could buy and sell you ten times over. Now send him food; he’s hungry.”
A brilliant strategy, and one that will surely not be added to the impressive list of abject failures in the ongoing fight to give those poor rattle-boned buzzard baits a ray of hope and a sammich.
THE LOCH NESS MOSQUER
“Run, and you’ll live…at least a while. And dying in your beds, many years from now, would you be willin’ to trade ALL the days, from this day to that, for one chance, just one chance, to come back here and tell our enemies that they may take our lives, but they’ll never take OUR FREEDOM!”
—Mel Gibson, an American actor portraying a Scottish freedom fighter
“I just took your freedom, dumbasses.”
—Humza Yousaf, a Pakistani scumbag portraying a Scottish freedom taker
The movie Braveheart has been justifiably criticized for its many inaccuracies, from invented events and battles to the paint on Mel Gibson’s face. But apparently its greatest inaccuracy was portraying the Scottish people as giving two shits about freedom.
The Scots have just given up their right to speak freely within the enclosed walls of their own homes. It’s difficult to imagine anything less “Bravehearty” than that.
Pakistani/Kenyan Muslim Humza Yousaf is the Scottish “secretary for justice,” and he’s acting exactly as one would expect a Pakistani/Kenyan Muslim to act if given the power to control the free-speech rights of a white Christian nation.
The Scottish Public Order Act of 1986 outlawed “threatening, abusive, or insulting words and behaviour,” but the law included one very important caveat—a “dwelling defense” that protected a Scotsman’s right to speak freely in his own home. Speech uttered within the walls of a private home could not be prosecuted.
Well, Yousaf took one look at that fascist piece of McKKK apologia and said, “This won’t do. This won’t do at all.”
So now a new law, feverishly championed by Yousaf, will close the “dwelling” loophole. The Hate Crime and Public Order Bill criminalizes speech that “stirs-up hatred against people with protected characteristics, including race, disability, sexual orientation and age,” and it allows for prosecution of said speech even if the speaker had been spouting off at his own dinner table or in bed or in the shower or wherever Scots go at 4 a.m. to drunkenly polish off the previous night’s haggis.
As Yousaf told Parliament last week,
Are we comfortable giving a defence to somebody whose behaviour is threatening or abusive which is intentionally stirring up hatred against, for example, Muslims? Are we saying that that is justified because that is in the home? If your intention was to stir up hatred against Jews, then I think that deserves criminal sanction.
The bill would also remove free-speech protections from journalists and artists.
Opposition to the new act, which has yet to be officially signed into law, has come from the Scottish Catholic Church, law enforcement, academics, journalists, and artists. But Yousaf has vowed not to bend to pressure. In Scotland, home of literal castles, a man’s literal home must no longer be his figurative castle.
Humza Yousaf is yet another fine example of a Third Worlder who requites Western immigration generosity with hatred and vendetta. Yousaf’s family arrived not to “enrich,” but to see to it that native Scots can no longer speak freely in the last place they were still allowed to.
Here in the States this Thanksgiving, give an extra nod of gratitude for the fact that the Humza Yousafs in this country can’t go that far…yet. And say an extra prayer for the poor cowed bastards in Scotland.
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