The Week’s Most Vexing, Perplexing, and Witch-Hexing Headlines
OCEANS SO WHITE
Apparently, the field of oceanographic research has a diversity problem. If there’s a lack of black folks in oceanography, it’s probably for the same reason that there’s a lack of wicked witches in oceanography—people are generally not drawn to studying the thing that can kill them if they get too close to it.
The Scripps Institution of Oceanography, founded in 1903 and located in Southern California as part of the University of California, San Diego, is one of the oldest and largest oceanographic research centers in the world. Several years ago, a student-driven movement on the UCSD campus led to Scripps instituting a “strategic plan for inclusive excellence” to increase racial diversity in the field, because for reasons not entirely clear the study of squids and kelp would be greatly improved if more people of color got involved.
To help usher in this new era of diversity, Scripps brought in Margaret Leinen as its new director. Leinen had previously served as the State Department’s “science envoy” during the Obama years, when her chief responsibility was scouring the ocean floor for Cloverfield monsters. Upon taking the reins at Scripps, Leinen began enacting policy after policy to “mitigate harassment, discriminatory practices, subconscious bias, structural and cultural biases or other barriers to inclusion” in oceanography.
“Scripps: Putting the most black people to sea since 1619.”
Last week, Scripps announced its most ambitious project yet: In association with Ugandan-born Israeli marketing exec Ayelet Gneezy (winner of the International Most Dickensian Name Award ten years running), Scripps launched the Ocean Plastic Pollution Challenge. Young “diverse” people from “diverse” backgrounds in “diverse” schools will compete to find a way to best clean the ocean of plastic pollution.
“Given that there could be more plastic than fish in the ocean by 2050, new strategies are needed more than ever to address this growing crisis,” declared the press release touting the challenge.
Funny enough, that “more plastic than fish” thing comes from a study of ocean plastics conducted by the “environmental action” arm of the World Economic Forum. The exact same study that reached this troubling conclusion:
By analyzing the waste found in the rivers and surrounding landscape, researchers were able to estimate that just 10 river systems carry 90% of the plastic that ends up in the ocean. Eight of them are in Asia: the Yangtze; Indus; Yellow; Hai He; Ganges; Pearl; Amur; Mekong; and two in Africa—the Nile and the Niger.
So it turns out there’s no lack of diversity regarding oceanographic matters. It’s just that the nonwhite presence is found on the side of destroying the seas rather than saving them.
FLORIDA: FINALLY ON ITS MEDS
One of the more unexpected twists of 2020 has been the redefinition of “Florida man.” In years past, the term was used to mock the people of the Sunshine State as nutty, unhinged, and dangerous. But as the year draws to a close, Florida’s formerly tarnished public image has been polished to a surprisingly glossy sheen. The state largely avoided the dual perils of COVID—the Scylla of mass fatalities (à la New York) and the Charybdis of economic disaster due to draconian lockdowns (à la California). On top of that, cities in Florida generally remained untouched by the mass destruction of BLM rioting and looting. And of course the state went solidly for Trump…so solidly that no amount of Democrat dirty tricks could swing the vote.
Not bad. For a place that used to be associated with drugged-up zombies eating the faces of hapless homeless men, it’s a nice save. And most of the credit goes to the state’s Republican governor, Ron DeSantis, a.k.a. the AntiCuomo.
Last week DeSantis decided to cap off a triumphant year by drafting a bill that would allow armed Floridians to blow the living crap out of rioters and looters. As reported by the Miami Herald:
The proposal would expand the list of “forcible felonies” under Florida’s self-defense law to justify the use of force against people who engage in criminal mischief that results in the “interruption or impairment” of a business, and looting, which the draft defines as a burglary within 500 feet of a “violent or disorderly assembly.” Other key elements of DeSantis’ proposal would enhance criminal penalties for people involved in “violent or disorderly assemblies,” make it a third-degree felony to block traffic during a protest, offer immunity to drivers who claim to have unintentionally killed or injured protesters who block traffic, and withhold state funds from local governments that cut law enforcement budgets.
Needless to say, Florida’s criminal element is up in arms over this blatant attempt to rob them of their right to rob you. Denise Georges, a Miami-Dade assistant state attorney–turned–ambulance-chasing “premise liability litigator,” told the Herald that DeSantis’ bill “allows for death to be the punishment for a property crime—and that is cruel and unusual punishment. We cannot live in a lawless society where taking a life is done so casually and recklessly.”
Funny how that “we cannot live in a lawless society” thing never applies to the looters. But then again, Ms. Georges makes her living suing Florida establishments on behalf of customers who’ve been injured by “neglected spills” and “lack of rugs or poorly placed rugs,” so her anti-business attitude is not entirely unexpected.
Miami criminal defense attorney Aubrey Webb criticized the bill because it might lead to the death of Black Lives Matter rioters.
Well, yes. Exactly. Thank you for pointing that out.
Webb compared his beloved BLM thugs to Boston Tea Party patriots (perhaps Florida can bring back those face-eating bath-salt zombies, just for this guy).
Miami defense lawyer Phil Reizenstein attacked DeSantis for not spending his “time and money addressing the underlying causes of the unrest.” In fact, DeSantis is likely one of the only political leaders in the U.S. who understands the “underlying causes of the unrest” perfectly: BLM wants to kill you and take your stuff. There, “underlying causes” explained.
Lastly, a former deputy director of Florida’s ACLU slammed the bill as “unnecessary,” because the state has not been plagued by the widespread looting and riots that have disrupted life in other states.
One can assume that DeSantis knows this, and that his goal with his proposed legislation is to keep it that way.
DEFUND THE POLICE! FUCK THE POLICE! HELP ME, POLICE!
Portland City Commissioner Jo Ann Hardesty is a sassy black woman with a sassy black plan: rid Portland of cops. Ban the police, end 911. Hardesty has been leading the fight to replace Portland’s police department and 911 system with something called the “Portland Street Response” (PSR). And what exactly is PSR? Well, whenever crime rears its ugly head in the city of Portland, a team of “crisis workers” will respond to, like, talk it out, man.
Hardesty has successfully been able to defund Portland cops and redirect the money to PSR. She even proudly unveiled the agency’s new logo on Twitter last week, and it’s every bit as faggoty as one would expect: love, rainbows, and caring. And no police! Because when it comes to cops, Hardesty takes a hardlinesty: Cops gotta go, 911 gotta go. No compromise, no exceptions.
Well, one exception: Her blue-black hypocritical ass gets to call the cops anytime she wants.
See, last week Hardesty summoned a Lyft after a night of gambling at a local casino. And when she got in the car, she be like, “Roll up that window, mutherfucker, I’m cold ’n’ pissed off ’cause I lost me some money.” And Lyft driver be like, “I need to have the window down to comply with the COVID regs you helped pass.” Which led to Hardesty throwing a fit in the backseat, and the driver asking her to get out of his car. Which she refused to do, even though Lyft’s policy explicitly states that their drivers have the absolute right to terminate a ride if a passenger becomes disruptive.
It became a standoff: The Lyft driver said get out, and the “pirate from Captain Phillips in drag with dreads” refused.
So what did Hardesty do? She called 911! She called the cops.
The audio recording of the 911 call is priceless. Hardesty demands that the police force her driver to call her another ride. They say they can’t. She then asks them to call her a ride! The patient male voice on the other end calmly explains to Hypoquita Jones that only she can call a Lyft for herself, and as a customer she needs to abide by the policies she agreed to when she created an account.
Amazingly, Hardesty still demanded that the police come out to keep her company as she waited for her next ride. Which they did. And they didn’t beat the shit out of her, which is arguably not to their credit.
Having to deal with people like Jo Ann Hardesty is why cops don’t need a defunding, but a raise.
SUMMER OF (MARQUISE) LOVE
And while we’re in Portland…a gentleman named Marquise “Keese” Love was sentenced last week for an assault committed during the months of BLM/Antifa riots in the Pacific Northwest. The 26-year-old Love beat a random white guy half to death during a Portland BLM “protest” on Aug. 12. The white fellow, Adam Haner, had apparently been attempting to assist a transgender woman who was being assaulted by Love’s fellow lovebirds. After being knocked to the ground by the peaceful protesters, Haner was violently kicked in the head FIFA-style by Love, who danced off, leaving behind an unconscious and seriously injured victim.
Hard as it might be to believe, Marquise Love describes himself as a “DJ.” Yes, a young black indigent male in a left-wing town identifies himself as a DJ. That’s never happened before. He also claims to be a “proud father” (almost certainly not “of one”).
On his Facebook page, Love states that his motto is “Living life to the fullest.” And indeed, he certainly kicked Adam Haner’s skull to the fullest; the dude nearly died. Love also identifies as a proud BLM supporter, which, again, comes as a huge (scare quotes) “surprise.”
Another “surprise”: Love has a lengthy rap sheet, with arrests for domestic assault, theft, and driving offenses. He’s also been taken to court for being a deadbeat dad, which kinda calls into question that “proud father” thing.
Following his assault on Haner, Love posted a message on Snapchat: “Might go to jail for murder tonight for a racist when all I did was fight him. Look it up on twitter put money on my books and come see me” (Love’s definition of “fight” apparently includes stomping the head of a guy while he’s sitting on the ground).
After evading capture for several days, Love eventually turned himself in. And if you’re wondering why, it’s because he likely knew that he’d get a Portland-style slap on the wrist. For nearly killing a man with a sucker-kick to the cranium, Love got 20 months in prison. He’ll likely serve less than half of it.
But lest anyone think that Multnomah County goes easy on violent criminals of color, the DA’s office also forced Love to “wish Haner a speedy recovery.”
Soft on crime? Hardly. From now on, violent felons will have to wish their victims a “speedy recovery” before they can win release. That’ll show ’em! And after a third attempted murder, the perpetrator will have to wish his victim a very speedy recovery. That’s “three strikes,” Portland-style.
Not that the Portland Street Response crisis workers will be able to enforce any of that…but hey, if the people of Portland wanted even the smallest measure of sanity in their city’s approach to criminal justice, they wouldn’t be living in Portland.
ROOTS: THE NEXT GENERATION, STARRING KUMAR KINTE
What a comeback! In recent years, slavery in the U.S. certainly seemed on the ropes. Statues of long-dead slaveholders were pulled down. Statues of tacit endorsers or neutral bystanders of slavery were removed. Monuments to the Confederacy were demolished. Even reruns of The Dukes of Hazzard were pulled from the airwaves because the car invoked images of the slave trade.
Given all that, and the fact that America abolished slavery a century and a half ago, you’d think that the “peculiar institution” was down for the count.
Not so fast!
After cleansing the landscape of anything that bears any connection to slavery, American leftists have elected as vice president a woman who is the direct descendant of a slave owner. Of course, that’s only one side of Kamala Harris’ parental lineage. The other side is comprised of Indian immigrants. And wouldn’t you know it, apparently a bunch of culturally enriching immigrant Indians have decided that as much as they love their adopted homeland, it’s missing a certain something extra…a certain something special…slavery!
Yep, Indians are bringing slavery back to America, and not a moment too soon for the financially strapped iron-muzzle industry. Last week, cops in Gilroy (Northern California) busted an Indian husband and wife who were running a good old-fashioned slavery ring from their liquor store. Amarjit Mann and her husband Balwinder Mann (whose name sounds like the moniker of a gay S&M fetishist) “recruited workers from India and promised them travel and financial independence,” according to the Santa Clara County District Attorney’s Office, only to then imprison the “workers” and use them as slave laborers.
“Slavery officially was abolished in 1865,” District Attorney Jeff Rosen stated in a press release following the arrest of the Punjabi plantationists. “Tragically, we are seeing examples of it in 2020.”
It’s good to know that as Democrats knock down monuments to the slave owners of the past, they’ll continue to import slave owners of the present to fill the vacuum.
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