The Week That Perished

The Week’s Most Nerdy, Sturdy, and Wordy Headlines

HOW DO YOU DO, FELLOW KIDS?
He looks like an African F. Murray Abraham. An almost completely bald Muslim immigrant from Gambia with crow’s-feet and liver spots has been passing himself off as a 15-year-old boy in order to get some tasty “refugee” perks in the British city of Coventry. Now, Coventry has a rich history involving the locals turning their backs to something nakedly obvious, and initially there were no Peeping Toms when the local school district placed the very clearly fortysomething “child immigrant” in classes alongside actual children.

The ruse would have worked except for a few dead giveaways, like how the “kid” had to bow out of playing dodgeball because of his herniated disc, and the five o’clock shadow he’d develop by last period. Oh, and the fact that one just has to look at him to know he’s not a child.

So why the ruse? Refugee “minors” seeking amnesty are never returned to their home country. And U.K. officials are not allowed to ask for proof that a refugee is a minor. In that way, the U.K.’s refugee rules mirror U.S. ADA laws regarding service dogs. Businesses can refuse entry to a non-service dog, but they’re not allowed to demand proof that a service dog is actually a service dog; they must take the owner’s word for it. As a result, in practice any dog can enter any establishment as long as the owner says it’s a service dog.

And any refugee in the U.K. can get preferential treatment as a minor…as long as he or she says they’re a minor.

So it’s similar…to an extent. The main difference is that regardless of whether a dog is a service animal or not, dogs are still a joy to be around. The same can’t be said of Third World refugees; whether they’re minors or not, they tend to go on the dole, commit crimes, and generally stress out the indigenous locals.

And boy, were the locals stressed out by this middle-aged “kid.” Coventry children asked their parents why they were being forced to study and play side by side with a dude old enough to be their father. And the parents passed those concerns along to the school. And school officials told the parents that they were being “racist” for smearing a “child” of color.

Unfortunately for the school administrators, they forgot one important lesson about actual kids these days: They know how to use social media. So one of the Gambian grown-up’s schoolmates put a photo of the guy on Snapchat, along with the backstory. And social media did its thing. Facing ridicule and questions from the press, the Coventry school district has now sequestered Banjul Baldpate in a separate facility, where he’s still being schooled as if he were a child, but without having to creep out actual children.

Meanwhile, school officials have attacked the students who shared the immigrant’s photo as “bullies” who were intolerant toward a man-child three times their size and four times their age who just wanted to scam the system by playing preteen.

This would all make a fine anti-bullying after-school special; hopefully F. Murray Abraham is available to play the lead.

THIRD (WORLD) REICH
And speaking of Africa…

You know the “diversity” craze has gone too far when even the Hitlers are black. Yes, Adolf Hitler is back, and he’s had a hip, Afrocentric makeover.

Last week in Namibia, a man named Adolf Hitler Uunona was elected as councillor for the Ompundja constituency in the Oshana region. Lacking the tiny mustache but sporting the same steely glare that endeared OG Hitler to so many Germans, Soul Brother Hitler has become a media sensation in a nation that rarely makes the news, and when it does, it’s usually because a cheetah eats a villager or a villager with AIDS dies of Ebola or a cheetah with AIDS eats a villager with Ebola.

Following the announcement of Hitler’s election victory, the director of the Oshana-Israel Tourism Bureau stared blankly ahead and said, “Well, I’m fucked.”

In an interview with the German newspaper Bild, Hip-Hop Hitler explained that his father named him in honor of the late Nazi dictator, which is as good a lesson as any why you should never piss off the Jews. If Jews like you, you get a sandwich named after you at the Stage Deli. If Jews hate you, you get a Namibian.

African Adolf told Bild that his father meant no offense. The old man never learned anything about the real Adolf Hitler; he just thought it was a cool-sounding name in a nation that still has revered remnants of its days as a German colony. It also apparently has an exceptionally shitty school system (if it has one at all).

In answer to an inquiry by the BBC, Funkytown Führer flatly stated that he doesn’t plan to change his name. After all, he won with 85% of the vote, and that was without the help of Dominion voting machines.

A member of the ruling Swapo party, which tends to always emerge victorious in elections because opponents have a bad habit of falling on machetes repeatedly, Hitler has pledged his own “anschluss,” promising to annex the one working toilet in the village next door. He’s also announced a nonaggression pact with the chacma baboon colony in the adjoining game reserve (“There are enough figs for all of us,” Hitler said upon announcing the accord).

Most important, Hitler has joined with his in-house architect Albert Spear to replace his district’s bumpy dirt and gravel roads with much smoother dirt and gravel roads.

“These new roadways will last a thousand years,” Hitler triumphantly proclaimed about the public works project. “Or at least until the next heavy rain.”

ATLAS WHINES
There’s an old joke about libertarians…perhaps you’ve heard it.

A social conservative, a fiscal conservative, and a libertarian walk into a bar on a scorching hot afternoon. The bartender regretfully announces that the establishment’s credit-card processing equipment is down; it’s cash-only for the rest of the day. The three thirsty gents pool their dough and realize that they have just enough between them for a refreshing pitcher of beer. Yet they can’t agree on what type of beer to get. One wants an IPA, one wants a porter, and one wants a stout. The social conservative says, “I may not get exactly the beer I want, but some beer is better than none. I’ll go with whatever the group decides.” The fiscal conservative also says, “I may not get exactly the beer I want, but some beer is better than none. I’ll go with whatever the group decides.”

“Yes, Adolf Hitler is back, and he’s had a hip, Afrocentric makeover.”

And the libertarian sets his cash on fire and runs out the door screaming, “Now nobody gets beer; I win on principle!”

Reason’s J.D. Tuccille would not approve of that joke. Last week he furiously banged out a screed condemning conservatives for viewing libertarians as “spoilers.” Not that Tuccille contests the fact that libertarians are spoilers. He doesn’t dispute the figures cited by The Spectator’s Michael Warren Davis:

According to the latest figures, the Libertarian candidate for president, Jo Jorgensen, has spoiled the election. The number of votes Jorgensen received in Arizona, Georgia, Nevada and Pennsylvania exceeds Joe Biden’s margin over Donald Trump in all those states. In other words, had the libertarians in each of those states voted for Mr Trump, he would have been reelected handily.

In other words, a spoiler. And Tuccille is fine with that. He’s just not fine with the fact that conservatives keep holding it against his liberty-loving brethren.

Why don’t you like us? was the general theme of Tuccille’s piece.

Of course, Tuccille is too dense to realize that he answers his own question. All we want is to “live and let live,” he whines, while approvingly quoting a New York Times piece that cites the support libertarians gave Joe Biden because of his “friendlier record on trade and immigration.”

One can almost hear Tuccille sobbing, “Why do folks on the right hate us so much? It can’t be because we want to send jobs to China and flood the nation with every welfare case and violent criminal in the Third World. No, it can’t be that. They just hate us because we want to ‘live and let live.’ Yeah, that’s it.”

Tuccille concludes his pity piece by telling his fellow libertarians that they are on their own—disowned by both major political parties—and that it’s not their fault. It has nothing to do with voters reacting with justified revulsion to the notion of open borders and closed factories. Rather, it’s that the United States detests any “major political party even slightly inclined to leave people alone to manage their own affairs.”

Apparently, “rejection of introspection” is second only to the NAP as a sacred tenet of libertarianism.

BEATINGS, ARSON, AND THREATS GET REAL OLD REAL FAST (WHO KNEW?)
It turns out that a sustained campaign of assaults, racial hatred, looting, arson, and bullying is not the best way to make friends and influence people. A new survey conducted by Opinium, the official polling partner of The Guardian, found that the majority of respondents believe that Black Lives Matter has made race relations in the U.K. much, much worse.

You don’t say!

“A majority of people believe Black Lives Matter, the anti-racism movement that spread across the UK this summer, has increased racial tension,” the notoriously leftist Guardian was forced to admit last week. 55% of U.K. adults believe that BLM has really mucked it up, racially speaking, while only 17% think BLM has made things better. Surprisingly, 44% of the U.K.’s racial minorities take a dim view of BLM, and an overwhelming majority of U.K. whites—regardless of political affiliation—want BLM to bloody sod off and take a boot up the ol’ Khyber.

The Guardian poll has left BLM UK shaken and confused. If burning down mom ’n’ pop stores, coshing blokes fer breathin’, and yelling “fek off” at women and children doesn’t win you friends, what does?

Adam Elliott-Cooper, a spokesman for BLM UK, told the newspaper that the poll results merely show that BLM has successfully “exposed” the U.K.’s racism. By randomly beating up white people, BLM has revealed the extent to which whites, in their racism and privilege, dislike being randomly beaten up.

Elliott-Cooper didn’t explain why BLM’s approval ratings are so low among nonwhites, because surely to even ask such a thing would make the questioner racist and deserving of a random beating.

Those nonwhite polling figures were also ignored by a professor at the Centre for Research in Race and Education at the University of Birmingham. Kalwant Bhopal, whose surname invokes memories of the only effective anti-overpopulation measure in the history of modern India, told The Guardian that the dislike for BLM among whites was due to the fact that they “feel their privilege is being threatened and questioned.” She also said that whites who claim to support BLM are only faking it, thus proving themselves worse racists than the whites who are willing to be honest about their bigotry.

So whites get pummeled if they say they dislike BLM. And they get pummeled if they say they like BLM.

How very odd that BLM is so unpopular. All the organization is saying is, “We’re gonna hate you no matter your opinion of us.”

The Guardian poll mirrors figures in the U.S., where BLM is roundly unpopular with whites and Hispanics.

Undaunted, BLM has promised to up the beatings, burnings, and general mayhem in 2021, pledging to turn those poll numbers around, no matter how many people they have to kill to improve their favorability stats.

CALIFORNIA: IN GOOD HANDS (BLOODY, GROPEY HANDS)
With the entire state of California under a new lockdown and the city of L.A. under a directive that reads “All persons living within the City of Los Angeles are hereby ordered to remain in their homes. All travel, including, without limitation, travel on foot, bicycle, scooter, motorcycle, automobile or public transit is prohibited,” it might be tempting for Californians in general and Angelenos in particular to wonder if their political leaders actually know what the hell they’re doing. After all, a mere two hours after voting for last week’s countywide ban on in-person dining, L.A. County Supervisor Sheila Kuehl went in-person dining at an Italian restaurant in Santa Monica.

When asked why she was dining out after declaring prior to her vote that dining out was a veritable death sentence, Kuehl calmly explained that the dining prohibition doesn’t go into effect until midnight, so what’s the problem? COVID knows not to attack until the ban starts.

Kuehl is a former child actress whose entire political career has been built upon being a lesbian. But she’s a veritable Palmerston compared with the two dudes who serve as advisers to L.A.’s mayor and California’s governor.

Mayor Eric Garcetti’s closest adviser Rick Jacobs loves grabbing dicks. The man’s pulled so many puds his hands are officially recognized as testicular exam equipment by the California Urological Association. In October, a bunch of men came forward claiming that Jacobs had kneaded their knobs without their consent. The complainants included a Hispanic LAPD officer and HuffPost writer Yashar Ali, because in California gropers support racial diversity. The men also alleged that the mayor knew about the unwanted willy-wringing, but did nothing to stop it. Garcetti disputed that claim and stood by his man(handler)…until a few weeks ago when a photo surfaced in which Jacobs is quite clearly pulping a dude’s pecker, as the mayor stands next to him, smiling.

Following the photo’s release, Garcetti announced that his old friend would no longer be advising him (on anything other than the art of skillful groin-grabbing).

Always looking to one-up his local officials, California governor Gavin Newsom showed the nation that he can muster an even wackier aide. Last week, top Newsom adviser and California Democrat Party strategist Nathan Ballard was arrested following a rampage at a luxurious Napa spa (where all conscientious Democrats go while their constituents are in lockdown), during which he tried to smother a 4-year-old girl by placing a pillow over her face and sitting on top of her as she suffocated. When two other people—an adult and another minor—attempted to intervene, Ballard beat the crap out of them before doing a face-plant and smashing his nose flat on the floor.

Authorities, who have not released the identities of the victims (but who’ve hinted that they were Ballard’s own children), believe that drugs and alcohol were a factor in the melee. And indeed, Ballard was one of the strongest forces behind California’s marijuana legalization effort. He also headed the PR firm that represented Pacific Gas & Electric Co. after the energy conglomerate immolated 85 people in a wildfire in 2018.

Oh, and he’s currently advising the governor regarding Kamala Harris’ replacement as senator.

One can assume that Ballard will make sure the appointee is a strong advocate for stoned drunk child-smothering.

In the Golden State, that would make them a moderate.



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