The Week That Perished

The Week’s Most Lucrific, Morbific, and Tenebrific Headlines

CPAC’S PHARAOH PLAGUES THE JEWS
The black vote. Is there anything more important to conservatives? No, there isn’t. The black vote wins elections for the GOP and proves with finality that people on the right are not racist. Well, that’s the dream, anyway. The reality is, the black vote wins nothing for the GOP and even when there’s a marginal increase in it on the Republican side, it never mitigates the accusations of “white supremacy” and klansmanship that get tossed at rightists by the media every day.

We can’t be certain whose grand idea it was to invite black “philosopher, scholar, and musician” Young Pharaoh to CPAC 2021. What we can be certain of is that the person who birthed that crackerjack idea labors under the impression that they are the future of conservatism.

And in a way, that’s not untrue. Because the dogged pursuit of excremental self-defeating ideas appears to be the movement’s highest aspiration these days.

Young Pharaoh is a rapper and “Afrocentric polymath thinker” who’s as batshit insane as anyone else who’s ever claimed such a moniker. He runs an online “university” (website) that purports to teach young Black men that Afrikans invented everything, including UFOs and magic. Young Pharaoh’s mantra: “The white man is inferior, the BLACK MAN is GOD!”

Oh, and the Jews are satanic.

Last year the poor dumb bastard made the mistake of posting some drivel about how Donald Trump was the Black man’s friend because he was exposing the JEW 9/11 conspirators and revealing the truth about how Covid is biological warfare aimed at (guess who) THE BLACK MAN!

He also posted some videos about how the DEMOCRATS are the real racists who created the KKK, and how Obama is just a tool of the DEEP STATE.

Well, ’nuff said. Conservatives in unison screamed “the black voooooote!” and began following this imbecile like the messiah he thinks he is. The “free market patriot group” 1776ForeverFree invited him to perform at last October’s “March on Washington,” and CPAC excitedly announced that he’d be a guest at this year’s convention.

Except, as CPAC organizers were jerking off in joy, a few canny online sleuths looked at the guy’s website and videos. And they saw how every other word this halfwit has ever spoken or written has been either “Jews are evil” or “whites are stupid” (or this greatest hit about how whites are not genetically human, and they lack souls, too).

He also seems to think that Jews don’t exist; Jews are a myth like the round earth or the moon. But he also thinks Jews are evil. But they also don’t exist. But they do. They are at the same time extant and imaginary. It’s a quantum thing…Schrödinger’s Katz.

Last week, the organizers of CPAC stopped masturbating long enough to reluctantly scrub Young Pharaoh from their list of invitees (that included redacting his page on the CPAC website where he was lauded for his “scholarship”). Sadly, the world will never get to see Young Pharaoh share the stage with Trump, as they both lament the Platinum Plan that wasn’t.

Word has it that after canceling Young Pharaoh, one CPAC organizer asked another, “Do you think this makes conservatives look desperate? Slavishly slobbering over every person with dark skin who glances in our direction? Proclaiming every black back-alley crackhead the new King of Konservatism, no matter how insane their views?”

“Of course not,” the other organizer is reputed to have answered. “If we occasionally err, it’s only because our party cannot survive without blacks. After all, what other constituency do we have?”

And with that both men headed out to scour the alleys behind inner-city liquor stores for their next keynote speaker.

EAT YOUR HEART OUT, PRIVILEGED WHITEY!
Speaking of the black vote, while CPAC was bollixing its attempt to show the world how amazingly not racist it is, over in Oklahoma, a Republican was showing the world how to not racist the right way.

Oklahoma Governor Kevin Stitt, in office since January 2019, is as pro-life as they come. Man oh man, if you’re a fetus, this guy has your tiny little back.

Fetuses get protection in Kevin Stitt’s state!

White crime victims, not so much. After all, Stitt claims to be a “person of color” himself. Mind you, to the naked eye he’s as white as Palpatine. But apparently ten generations ago an ancestor got blown by a squaw, so he’s officially a “Cherokee.” And Big Chief Set’emfree is a huge fan of George Soros-style “criminal justice reform,” redirecting funding from law enforcement and incarceration toward “community development” for low-income minorities, and reducing most property crimes from felonies to misdemeanors.

In The Grapes of Wrath, the Joads fled Oklahoma for a better life in California. Stitt is currently hard at work penning Grapes of Wrath II, in which every crappy idea from California is trucked into Oklahoma.

Stitt’s greatest accomplishment, though, has been in the area of felony sentence commutations. Stitt oversaw what the Oklahoman newspaper called “the largest commutation in U.S. history.” You’re a violent felon? Make Kevin Stitt two promises: (1) You’ll never support abortion, and (2) you’ll never, ever, ever do crimes again, and off you go with a fruit basket and a “life begins at conception” sticker.

Proud black man Lawrence Anderson was in Proud Prison for a variety of crimes: attacking his girlfriend and holding her at gunpoint, possession of crack cocaine with intent to distribute, sale of crack near an elementary school, attacking a woman with a handgun in a church parking lot, and carrying a vial of PCP in his underwear. In 2017, he was sentenced to twenty years in prison. Last month, only a little over three years into his sentence, Anderson was freed by Republican Stitt, who commuted his sentence to prove that the Democrats are the real racists.

That was last month. Last week, Anderson murdered his neighbor, a 41-year-old white woman named Andrea Lynn Blankenship. He carved her heart out Temple of Doom-style, he took the heart back to his apartment, he cooked it with potatoes for dinner, and he fed it to his aunt, uncle, and the uncle’s 4-year-old granddaughter. And then he slaughtered the uncle and the little girl, and stabbed the aunt in both eyes.

Upon hearing the news, Kevin Stitt reportedly jumped for joy, as no fetuses had been harmed.

“Yes, the government of Boris Johnson is facing an enemy that surely would have made Churchill blanch…Third World poo!”

Funny enough, Stitt has yet to comment about the grotesque murders on his Twitter page, which he typically uses to flaunt his female and “people of color” appointees. Stitt’s followers, on the other hand, have been less reserved about bringing up the issue, flooding his posts with links about Anderson.

At a press conference last Tuesday, Grady County District Attorney Jason Hicks (also a Republican) condemned Stitt for the commutation: “I really think an offender such as this should have not ever been able to even apply for a commutation.”

George Soros, on the other hand, held a press conference the same day in which he just shook his head and said, “This is getting too fucking easy.”

No word yet on whether CPAC will make Stitt this year’s keynote speaker.

Life…begins at conception, and ends when a Republican releases a cannibal into your community.

MUSTAFA SUMBALLZ
If the previous two stories convey any singular message, it’s that the GOP has become a gelding where it matters. With Roe v. Wade the law of the land, Americans can count on their Republican buddies to be fearless regarding the rights of fetuses…because at present it’s a moot point. But on issues of crime, race, and immigration—stuff of current concern, stuff that can actually garner votes from the center—the mainstream GOP has zero balls.

It can be argued that a huge reason for Trump’s popularity in 2016 was his fearlessness when discussing the verboten topics. GOP voters, and red-leaning independents, had grown tired of mealymouthed Republicans whose talking points run the gamut from “thank you for your service” to “lower the capital gains tax.” Rightists wanted red meat on an outdoor grill, not elitist corporate pâté on a bed of kale.

The following is not a tangent…it’ll make sense shortly.

The tiny and abominably wealthy nation of Qatar is one of the leading real estate wheeler-dealers in the world. Already one of London’s biggest landowners, Qatar has recently been increasing its holdings in the U.S., spending damn near $100 billion to buy up parts of Manhattan, Washington, D.C., and West L.A.

See, Qatar businessmen have a gift…the gift of spotting a distressed property. Qatar smells your weakness, Qatar smells your desperation. And Qatar can buy and sell you a billion times over.

Qatar has another gift—gonads the size of boulders.

Ever since winning the right to hold the 2022 World Cup, Qatar has imported scores of Third World migrants as “temporary guest workers” to labor in the scorching heat constructing the World Cup infrastructure (this includes a new airport, new roads, new public transportation systems, new hotels, and even a new city). Last week, The Guardian reported that more than 6,500 of these workers from India, Bangladesh, Nepal, Sri Lanka, Pakistan, the Philippines, and Kenya have dropped dead laboring for Qatari World Cup glory. And the Qatar government’s attitude has been “Hey—we said ‘temporary’ workers! And ‘temporary’ they were.”

The British relinquished Qatar in 1971, and they seem to have left their “nogs are disposable” colonial spirit behind within its borders.

And now Qatar has spotted its newest distressed property—American conservatism. Disappointed by weak-willed, politically correct leaders who do little but parrot anti-racist talking points, smothered and silenced by Big Tech and the mainstream media, let down by Fox News, which proved not Trumpian enough when it counted, American rightists are crying out for a new platform…and Qatar is more than happy to step up.

Qatar-based Al Jazeera is launching a new right-wing channel called Rightly, geared toward Americans who want their conservatism straight and strong, outside the sphere of influence of the Zuckerbergs and Dorseys, and backed by a people who literally don’t mind stepping over dead Third Worlders as they walk from their sports cars to their luxury skyscrapers. Staffed by former Fox employees, Rightly promises to be a voice for underserved rightists in search of something that’ll make NewsMax and OAN look like NRO.

If Rightly succeeds, it’ll mark one of the starkest examples of how allegiances have shifted since the immediate post-9/11 period, when everything Arab was suspect and rightists fretted about Ground Zero mosques and sharia law. As Con Inc. has drifted further left, it’ll be an irony indeed if a little of that shameless arrogant stone-cold Arab blood is exactly what conservatives need to feel alive and invigorated again.

At the very least, the new network’s Sunday-night news show should prove interesting: 60 Minarets, hosted by Ramadanald J. Trump.

HATE-HMONGER
Bee afraid. Bee very afraid.

You know that recent spate of violent attacks committed against elderly Asians by primarily black assailants? Well, leftists have proclaimed the real cause of the violence to be Trump and white supremacy.

Crazy, right? Black street thugs attacking Asians because of Donald Trump and white racism? Nothing could be loopier than that!

Wrong again, oh naive reader.

Turns out even the leftists blaming Trump and the Klan for anti-Asian black violence have it wrong. The real culprit behind all those Oriental muggings is…ready for it?

Clint Eastwood.

Shocking, huh? But true. At least according to Bee Vang. You remember Bee Vang, right? Right? Okay, nobody remembers the poor sonofabitch by name. Even his own mother refers to him as “the Asian kid from Gran Torino.” That was the 2008 Eastwood-directed after-school special where Clint played a crusty ol’ racist whose heart is warmed when he befriends a Hmong boy and defends the youngster against gangs and bullies.

It’s the film where Eastwood told the writer, “Have me say ‘get off my lawn’ to some thugs…and then flesh the fucking thing out with filler so I get a 90-minute runtime.”

Eastwood’s character has the typical clichéd redemption arc endemic to all simpleminded morality tales: He starts out a racist, but learns rainbow tolerance we all bleed red yada yada blah blah.

Hmong-American actor Bee Vang played the boy. But that was only the beginning for this stunning young talent. After finding fame as “the boy from Gran Torino,” Vang went on to become “the man who was the boy from Gran Torino.”

And now he’s “the bitter unemployed 30-year-old who was the boy from Gran Torino.”

Last week he was a guest opinion writer for NBC News, where he penned a piece blaming Eastwood’s Torino character for today’s anti-Asian violence.

Vang’s op-ed is, to put it mildly, difficult to follow. White audiences embraced Eastwood’s character’s racism in the 2008 film, thus mainstreaming anti-Asian hatred, while Covid represents a war against Asians by whites that’s as bad as the carpet-bombing of Laos, but Asians remain silent in the face of this genocide because Gran Torino “has beaten us into silent submission,” so because of Covid, Gran Torino is retroactively evil, but it was also evil at the time, Vang just didn’t recognize it as such back then, because there was no Covid yet.

That’s about as much sense as can be made of Vang’s word lao yum.

Funny enough, on his Instagram account, Vang spends most of his time ranting against other Asians. Specifically Koreans who look down on the Hmong as “low-achieving low education” eternal refugees incapable of finding economic success and prosperity in foreign lands.

Vang—broke and barely literate, having blown his chance to capitalize on the opportunities presented by Gran Torino’s success in order to build a career for himself—attacks Koreans as “pigs” for daring to paint all Hmong as broke illiterates unable to capitalize on opportunities to build careers for themselves.

Well played, Vang. Well played. That certainly shows those Koreans who’s boss!

A shrewd and penetrating killshot from a guy who these days is most likely to be told “get off my lawn” by groundskeepers clearing transients out of a public park.

BORN TO BE WILD TOILETING
The Nazis? The Kaiser? Napoleon? The Spanish Armada? Mere pikers compared with the newest foe against which great and mighty England has declared war: “wild toileting”!

Yes, the government of Boris Johnson is facing an enemy that surely would have made Churchill blanch…Third World poo!

As with all wars, knowing the backstory is important.

In India, as is well-known if not always well-portrayed in Merchant-Ivory period pieces, the lower castes love to take a good poop on the sidewalk. Thankfully, as the First World has descended into Third Worldier territory over the past few decades, fewer and fewer people in “civilized” nations notice should the odd Punjabi immigrant defecate here or there on the pavement, considering the fact that in most big cities homeless schizos and druggies have already beaten them to it.

But West Africans, well, they know better than to use something as base as a pedestrian walkway for the loo. No, Africans are made of heartier stuff. They prefer the ocean. As CitiNewsroom (Ghana’s leading news website) reported in 2018, even when the governments of coastal African towns build fancy public bathrooms, the locals “prefer the beach to public toilets” (one local explained to CitiNewsroom that it’s because there’s “more space”).

This is not a minor issue. Countries like Ghana, dependent as they are on beach resort tourism from young Western ninnies who want to, you know, like, see Africans and become one with nature, have been losing millions of dollars as those resorts become like Amity Island if the shark were a flotilla of turds.

Apparently, African immigrants have been bringing their affection for beach boweling to the formerly pristine shores of the U.K. And now some of the owners and overseers of those beaches are petitioning the Johnson government to launch a campaign to prevent the practice before the Covid lockdown on outdoor activities is lifted.

It seems that during the U.K.’s lengthy shutdown, the beaches have “healed” from years of abuse by immigrants, and those with a stake in maintaining England’s seaside tidiness want to keep it that way.

The Lulworth Estate, which owns something called Durdle Door, which is apparently an iconic coastal landscape in Dorset and not what you mockingly say to a retarded kid, has demanded that Johnson educate “culturally diverse beachgoers” to stop the “wild toileting” practice before loosening the leash on outdoor romping.

According to The Sunday Times, the “huge change in visitor demographics” at Durpy Derp has led to “environmental degradation such as has never been experienced before.” This “much younger and more geographically and culturally diverse cohort” has brought sanitation issues and environmental concerns “to the nation’s’ coast and countryside.”

Natural England, the government’s environment watchdog, said it was updating its code for visitors to the countryside to make it more relevant to the new type of visitor, including “those from low-income areas, urban areas, ethnic-minority backgrounds, younger people and people with long-term health conditions.”

Boris Johnson’s popularity may be at an all-time low at the moment, but the man knows his history. Taking a cue from England’s greatest wartime PM, Johnson has seen the foe, and he’s pledged to “fight it on the beaches.”

This shall be his finest ordure.



Columnists

Sign Up to Receive Our Latest Updates!

SIGN UP

Daily updates with TM’s latest