The Week That Perished

The Week’s Most Parading, Upbraiding, and Gasconading Headlines

GREEN EGGS AND HARAM
The ayatollahs of racial wokeness have come for Dr. Seuss, who thirty years after his death has been accused of infidel-ity because he dared to draw characters who are not white, which makes him a white supremacist. See, if Seuss had drawn only whites, he’d have been pro-diversity. But because he drew diverse characters, he’s anti-diversity.

If that confuses you, that means you’re a white supremacist, too.

Sieg heil, Hitler!

Six Dr. Seuss books have been voluntarily withdrawn from publication by the company that oversees the late children’s author’s works. Apparently, a bunch of “college professors” and other unskilled cretins had combed through Seuss’ catalog searching for instances in which the poor bastard had drawn nonwhites.

In one case, they found a cartoon of an Arab on a camel. Everyone knows that Arabs never ride camels. Literally, that’s a blood libel right up there with Jews drinking baby blood and black men paying child support.

So that book got banned.

In another Der Stürmer-esque atrocity, Seuss drew a Chinese man with slanted eyes.

Banned! Because everyone knows that Chinese people don’t have epicanthic folds; it only looks that way because white supremacists so confound the noble Asians that they’re constantly squinting in disbelief that a race can be so evil.

In Seuss’ early work McElligot’s Pool, the veritable KKK Grand Wizard dared to draw Eskimos wearing parkas. Such calumny! Seuss should’ve portrayed them wearing tank tops and Speedos and freezing to death like retards.

The funny thing is, Seuss lived his life as a die-hard leftist. In the TV version of Horton Hears a Who, Seuss portrayed the villainous Wickersham Brothers as stand-ins for Joe McCarthy and anti-communist “right wingers”:

We’re the Wickersham brothers. We’re vigilant spotters.
Hot shot spotters of rotters and plotters.
And we’re going to save our sons and our daughters from you.

How sad that the good Dr. never lived to see today’s leftist “vigilant spotters” declare that their sons and daughters need to be saved from him (and shouldn’t Horton be banned for promoting binary gender generalizations?).

In 1984’s The Butter Battle Book, Seuss explained that the difference between the Soviet Union and the U.S. boiled down to a dispute as trivial as whether people should butter their bread on the top or the bottom. Ironic how the Marxism he defended, now so pervasive in the U.S., can’t take such a dismissive, laissez-faire attitude toward racial disputes.

Yes, no matter which side he butters his bread, Dr. Seuss is toast.

REPARATION H
Get ready, black America! You’re about to get forty acres from a fool. President Biden has announced the formation of a commission to study the feasibility of giving reparations to every black American as a way to make up for that slavery thing that The New York Times tells us America couldn’t have existed without. But even as Biden christened the exploratory committee, one of his own senior advisers declared that black America ain’t gonna wait on no “committee” or “study.”

“We have to start breaking down systemic racism and barriers that have held people of color back and especially African Americans. We don’t want to wait on a study. We’re going to start acting now,” White House senior adviser Cedric Richmond told Axios last week.

Are you sitting down? Richmond is…black! Ha! What a twist! Didn’t see that coming, huh?

Pending House legislation that would create the reparations committee already has 173 Democrat sponsors. Word is, Biden was hoping the committee could be headed by Peggy Joseph, the woman in the 2008 viral video who claimed that Obama would pay for her gasoline and pay off her mortgage because she’s black. But sadly it appears that Ms. Joseph is currently incapacitated, having Gorilla Glued her head to a mirror while straightening her hair.

Cedric Richmond told Axios that giving black Americans all da leprechaun gold is only the beginning. The next step is, well, murky. Biden is going to make it so that blacks can be certain “that their homes are not valued less than homes in different communities just because of the neighborhood it’s in.”

This apparently involves some type of government manipulation to ensure that homes in crime-ridden and gang-infested areas are forced to go on the market at the same price as houses in Beverly Hills or the Hamptons. Axios asked Richmond how exactly that could be done, but sadly the White House adviser couldn’t answer as he’d Gorilla Glued his mouth shut while experimenting with a new treatment for chapped lips.

To be sure, artificially elevating the value of a house in East St. Louis so that it matches that of a cliffside Malibu mansion will be difficult, but not impossible. Some suggestions being bandied about by administration insiders include reclassifying homeless tents as “granny flats,” bullet holes in the walls as “fresh air ventilation systems,” urine-soaked alleys as “tropical rainforest ambiance,” blood spatter as “stained wood,” crack dens as “landscape lighting,” rat infestations as “pet-friendly,” and graffiti-covered buildings as “the arts district.”

Texas Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee, who advanced the reparations bill currently making its way through Congress, told the AP that giving blacks free cash because of something that happened 200 years ago to people who looked like them is “a way to bring the country together.” However, as the AP pointed out in a bizarre moment of journalistic integrity almost certainly caused by an editor having a stroke, “polling has found long-standing resistance in the U.S. to reparations to descendants of slaves, divided along racial lines. Only 29% of Americans voiced support for paying cash reparations, according to an Associated Press-NORC Center for Public Affairs Research poll taken in the fall of 2019. Most Black Americans favored reparations, 74%, compared with 15% of white Americans.”

The AP asked Rep. Lee to comment on the polling numbers, but regrettably she was unable to respond, having Gorilla Glued her face to a stovetop while frying baloney.

“R.I.P. ‘womxn’; we hardly knew yx.”

Kamm Howard, co-chair of the National Coalition of Blacks for Reparations in America, told the AP that “the goal here is restoration. Where would we as a people be if it were not for 246 years of stolen labor and accompanying horrors?”

Probably still Gorilla Gluing themselves to random things.

XN MARKS THE SPOT
Let’s be frank: To speakers of English, that whole “languages with masculine and feminine nouns” thing is kinda dumb. Most of us don’t care if a chair has a figurative penis or a sofa has a figurative vagina (although a chair with a literal penis would be a guaranteed best-seller in West Hollywood). And let’s be frank again: It’s hard to muster any sympathy for the French. Because the French are jerks. Between their liberté, égalité, fraternité horseshit and their hate-speech laws and their fetish for importing Third Worlders who murder them, when the French encounter woe they merit only the most sarcastic of tiny violins.

Yet for all their mush-headed pinko one-world leftism, the French maintain a vigorous and combative affection for their stupid fruity language. Which is why it’s kinda satisfying to see French wokeism choose français as its next target.

Yes, the gender gendarmes have come for France’s binary tongue. French MPs are at odds over what The Sunday Times describes as “the adoption of so-called inclusive writing in the public services.” Essentially, this change to the French language would “rid French, which has the grammatical genders of a Latin language, of the primacy of the masculine over the feminine.” According to the Times, “the practice is necessary because women and others who do not identify with the male gender suffer discrimination from French having a masculine bias.” This “new form was invented in the progressive academic world and has been embraced by left-wing parties and councils.”

Très retardé. Wait, should that be retardée?

But as the French surrender to yet another foe of their own creation, here in America, where at least we know we’re free of faggoty gendered nouns, the forces of language equity attempted an air strike last week, only to find themselves defeated by the nation’s true “first responders,” trannies!

Twitch—the livestreaming platform for gamers and nerds and everyone else who could take a hundred bucks to a house of crack whores and still not find anyone willing to blow them—decided to celebrate the first day of Women’s History Month by tweeting, “Join us in celebrating and supporting all the Womxn creating their own worlds, building their communities, and leading the way on Twitch.”

Yes, “Womxn.” No phonetic assistance is given, but one can assume it’s pronounced “womixen.”

The incel remoras of Twitch proclaimed that they were using the new term because the English language needs “a word that acknowledges the shortcoming of gender-binary language.”

See, there are men, women, and “womxn” (i.e., dudes in dresses we’ve been ordered to treat as women).

Sadly for Twitch, their beloved addition to the lexicon was quickly denounced as “transphobic” by men in lipstick. As explained by one Twitter tranny, “Changing the word implies that trans and nonbinary women are not real women and it’s disrespectful to the trans women who are fighting to be recognized as women.”

Men in wigs long to be called “women.” They don’t want to be an “x.” “X” makes them feel like a freak, and heaven forbid that freaks feel like freaks.

It took less than a day for Twitch to surrender like a Frenchmxn: “After hearing directly from you, including members of the LGBTQIA+ community on Twitch, we will be using the spelling ‘women’ moving forward. We want to assure you that we have, and will continue to, work with the LGBTQIA+ community. We’re still learning. Our good intentions don’t always equate to positive impact, but we’re committed to growing from these experiences, doing better, and ensuring we’re inclusive to all.”

R.I.P. “womxn”; we hardly knew yx.

But the question remains: If “trans women” are women in the womanest sense of the word, isn’t that “binary”? Isn’t that merely reinforcing that there are men and women, and nothing else?

Best not to concentrate on such questions. Leftists defile language for the sake of it; logic matters not.

Libertx, égalitx, fraternitx.

CLIMBIE FISSURE
There was no shortage of eyebrow-raising and confused doglike head-tilting last week when word got out that Cornell University was offering an indoor rock-climbing class open only to black students. The school initially made it clear that the course was intended for blacks and blacks alone. That’s what put the story in the news…something to do with the fact that racially exclusive and segregated college classes are illegal under State of New York law…and there’s also that little federal thing called the 14th Amendment.

The story played out as one would expect. Once the details of the Gym Crow scheme were made public, Cornell reversed itself and announced that the class would be open to all, including crackas, honkies, and ofay white devils.

And while that mollified some of the gawkers, quite a few observers remained confused about one particular detail: The price of the colored climbing class was $1,890.

$1,890 for black Americans who (we are told) can’t afford IDs to vote or basic healthcare to ward off Covid. But they can afford $1,890 to learn how to climb rocks?

If nonblacks were puzzled that such a course could be profitable, it’s only because melanin-challenged Americans are unaware of the fact that rock climbing is actually a big fucking deal to blacks. It’s come to symbolize the “white boy” outdoor activities from which blacks feel excluded. There’s actually a massive market in teaching blacks to climb cliffs.

MLK might have “been to the mountaintop,” but he sure as hell didn’t lug his fat ass up there with an ATC-XP belay Rocklock Screwgate locking carabiner and Petzl Spirit Express quickdraw.

Melanin Base Camp is a national organization dedicated to proving to white boys that blacks can climb rocks too. Literally, that’s its purpose: to put blacks on mountains because whites don’t expect to see them there. Blacks are instructed to scale a cliff and wait at the top for the first white to arrive, so they can shout, “Surprise, muthafucka!

Flash Friction is a New York-based climbing-shoe brand aimed specifically at black cragsmen, because it’s not enough to show whitey that you can climb a rock; you gotta do it FUBU-style.

The Brown Ascenders is a “people of color” Bay Area climbing crew. Then there’s Brown Girls Climb. And Memphis Rox. And Climbers of Color, Outdoor Afro, and the Brothers of Climbing. And Melanated Mazamas, a Portland climbing community that states on its website, “This is a BIPOC-only space. We appreciate white allies, but ask that white folks respect this space created specifically for the Mazamas BIPOC community.”

It seems a bit of an obsession; blacks trying to prove something by scaling rocks. Although what they’re proving might be difficult to pin down. Granted, it’s surprising that of all the “white boy” activities blacks could have chosen, they chose the one that involves hanging from a rope. Based on the hysterics of rope-averse screaming meemies like Bubba Wallace, one would think that this is the last type of thing blacks would feel comfortable doing.

On the other hand, what are the other choices? Water sports? No thank you.

That said, Melanin Base Camp seems to be as much about stopping whiteys from climbing as it is about encouraging blacks to start. Its website is filled with campaigns to “cancel” white climbers and majority-white climbing clubs, along with calls to “stop making movies about white guys doing cool shit.” In that blog entry, the author condemns outdoorsy whites who climb, describing them as racists who “condition themselves for the single-minded pursuit of an irrelevant task that adds no value to the world, that saves no one, that does nothing to address actual problems.”

So there’s no joy or appreciation of climbing here; just spite.

“Why do you want to climb Everest, Mr. Mallory?”

“Because it’s there.”

“Why do you want to climb Everest, DeMarquis?”

“Because whites is there.”

DRAGGED LACROSSE CONCRETE
Remember the Duke lacrosse “rape” scandal? Three white members of the Duke University men’s lacrosse team were falsely accused of rape when a black stripper named Crystal Mangum accused them of filling her with mangoo.

But it turned out to be a hoax. The boys were 100% innocent, victims of a rush to judgment by the press, the university, and a criminally corrupt DA named NiFong (“capital N, small i, capital F, small o, small n, small geeeeeeeeee!”).

That was 2006, a much simpler time in America. See, back then, if you didn’t do something, you didn’t have to be punished for the thing you didn’t do. And anyone who tried to penalize you for something you hadn’t actually done was viewed as a villain.

Such innocent days! But now, we live in the era of “intent doesn’t matter.” At least when it comes to whites. If a white person is accused of doing something bad to a nonwhite, it doesn’t make any difference if the bad thing was actually done or not. If the nonwhite “felt” victimized, then a crime was committed, even if no crime was committed.

Several weeks ago, The New York Times announced that when it comes to firing white staff for making nonwhites feel sad, “intent doesn’t matter.” Supporters of the Times proclaimed that the new standard for all white folks will from now on be “impact not intent.” If something you say, do, or don’t do “impacts” a person of color, you’re guilty.

Today, the fact that those lacrosse players didn’t actually rape anyone would be irrelevant. A black woman felt bad, regardless of the boys’ actions or intent. They’d have to pay the price for the “impact” of their non-rape.

Last week, the Syracuse University women’s lacrosse team learned these new rules the hard way. The team had posted a video on Instagram in which one of the young ladies gave the “OK” sign. And immediately—literally within a day—the Levitical lynchers at the ADL “pounced,” demanding the video be removed. Which begs the question, how the hell did the ADL know about the video so quickly? Have those canny Jews developed extrasensory perception? Or maybe Shmuelly and Ignatz were binge-watching teenage girl videos late at night only to be rewarded with a new “white supremacist” offense to investigate (“short-shorts plus a hate crime? Such a bargain!”).

Neither the ADL nor the university claimed that the girl who made the gesture had ill intent; everyone agreed that she was making an innocent “OK” sign. No one accused the young sportswoman of doing the 4chan “white power” troll. But the Syracuse women’s lacrosse team is white, so the university pulled the video and forced the team to apologize.

“Intent doesn’t matter,” the university said in a three-hundred-and-twelve-word apology statement. Yes, three hundred and twelve words for something that everyone agrees was nothing more than an innocent gesture. But remember—impact not intent!

In any situation like this, intent does not matter. This was an unacceptable lapse in judgment and lack of awareness on the part of our entire team. We as members of this program take collective responsibility for the harm this post may have caused. This incident does not reflect our character, but it does demonstrate that we have work to do.

Who was “harmed”? All agree that it was just an “OK” sign.

It shows that many of us are privileged enough to live free of the fear and hate that white supremacy brings to the Black community as well as other marginalized groups. We were negligent and hurt people in the community we love so much. We must be better.

No one was hurt. Nothing happened.

We are grateful that the lacrosse community has held us accountable.

“Accountable” for doing nothing wrong.

We are determined to continue the education process so that we can hold ourselves to the only acceptable standard: compassion and equity.

Ah, “equity.”

We deeply apologize for the damage we did yesterday and hope to repair it as best we can.

“Repair the damage”…when nothing was broken and no one damaged.

But the ADL got to throw its weight around, so at least someone profited from this affair. And to collegiate female sportswomen everywhere, be aware: Old dudes at the ADL are watching you…closely. Leering at every little movement, studying every little gesture.

Try not to let that jar your concentration on the playing field!



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