The Week’s Most Gleaning, Preening, and Overweening Headlines
THE PRINCES OF DARKNESS
Spin Doctors reimagined:
One, two, princes kneel before you
That’s what I said, now
Princes, princes who adore you
Just go ahead, now
One has diamonds in his pockets
That’s some bread, now
This one, said he wants to break into your house and beat you to death
Man why ya shoot me? I wasn’t even doin’ nuthin’
Last week was a very bad one for African princes. Not that African princes often have good weeks. At least not according to the emails they send out, detailing their many difficulties retrieving family fortunes or conducting international bank withdrawals.
Uneasy lies the head that wears an African crown.
The first tale of princely woe comes from Southwest Ranches, Florida. When Shenita Jones and Courtney Wilson decided to tie the knot, they also decided to refer to themselves as “royals.” Exactly what royal bloodline the two black monarchs were descended from was not an issue. Apparently, “God” (or crack) told them they were a prince and princess, and that was good enough.
Obviously, this “royal couple” would never deign to marry like commoners at some registry office or storefront church. No, they wanted a wedding befitting their status. Lacking the funds for such an extravaganza (their money problems being further proof of African nobility), they hatched a plan: Scouring real estate notices, they came across a 16,313-square-foot nine-bedroom estate that was on the market for $5.7 million. Posing as potential buyers, the majestic couple repeatedly cased the home, which they thought was vacant. After familiarizing themselves with the layout, they sent invites to their friends promising the world’s finest “royal wedding” at the “royal estate” they’d just purchased.
What the imperial imbeciles failed to realize was that the owner of the estate was still living on the property, in a guesthouse. Nathan Finkel, heir to the IHOP fortune of his father, Abe Finkel, woke up last week to see the citizens of Wakanda amassing on his lawn (you might not know that IHOP’s founders were Jewish, but that’s only because years ago they retired the chain’s original slogan, “Enough With the Pancakes, Already”).
Finkel called the cops and the couple had to spend the rest of the day in a barred setting slightly more familiar to black folks than a million-dollar estate.
But these sovereign scammers got off lightly compared with “Zulu prince” Lindani Myeni. Unlike the previous couple, Myeni is an actual prince of sorts—he’s the nephew of a Zulu king in South Africa (that plus six bucks will buy you a half-dozen items from the McDonald’s dollar menu).
After marrying an American Christian missionary, Myeni moved with his bride to Hawaii, where he traded his tribal attire for Hawaiian shirts, becoming a real Mandingo P.I. Last week, the good prince broke into a random couple’s house in the Nuuanu district, took off his shoes, and started speaking gibberish to the owners (actual gibberish, not isiZulu). Panicked, the couple called the cops, and when arriving officers dared to ask Shaka to leave the premises, he began violently beating them. According to Nanunanu police chief Mork, the exceptionally well-built Myeni, a former rugby player and South African Idol contestant, shrugged off a tasing and inflicted “multiple facial fractures, concussions, and injuries to the arms and legs” of the cops.
Cops who then proceeded to royally blow him away like an Austrian Archduke.
Myeni’s wife, who is white not Asian even though her last name really should be “Chin,” told the local papers that “In Zulu culture you can go to anyone’s house. You can knock on anyone’s door. It doesn’t matter if it’s 8 o’clock, it’s not a big deal. Neighbor are neighbors.”
All the more reason to not live close to Zulus.
South African Zulu political party Economic Freedom Fighters Kwazulu-Natal released a statement blaming the shooting on “white extremists.”
The Zulus possess much ancient knowledge, but they’re a little shaky when it comes to understanding the demographic makeup of Hawaii.
Still, the next time you get an email from an African prince, before discarding it, think of the hardships faced by the African royals who are barred from entering or claiming someone else’s house as their own, and send the poor bastard a few bucks. For just a dollar a day, you can keep an African prince from ruining some innocent homeowner’s afternoon.
And while we’re at it, Afroman reimagined:
I was gonna immigrate to Nice, but then I got high,
Was gonna practice my religion of peace, but then I got high,
Now I’m arguin’ for my release, and I know why;
Because I got high, because I got high, because I got high
I wasn’t gonna kill no Jews, but then I got high,
Didn’t plan on makin’ the news, but then I got high,
Now I’m singin’ the jailhouse blues, and I know why;
Because I got high, because I got high, because I got high
Threw a Jew off a balcony, because I was high,
Told her Muhammad commanded me, because I was high,
Now I’m gettin’ off scot-free, and I’ll tell you why;
Because I got high, because I got high, because I got high
Welcome to France, where the Muslims stone themselves.
Kobili Traoré wanted so little from life. The Malian immigrant to France was like a Muslim version of Bontshe the Silent, the famed literary character created by Yiddish-language playwright I.L. Peretz. After a life of hardship and modesty, Bontshe enters the kingdom of heaven. He’s told that, as a reward for his good life and all the suffering he endured with such nobility, he may ask for anything he desires. Anything at all.
Meekly, Bontshe, knowing that all heavenly riches are at his fingertips, asks only that every morning he be allowed to have a hot roll with a schmear of butter.
Well, move aside, Bontshe the Silent, and meet Kobili the Boisterous. Kobili Traoré defines humble. After immigrating to France and getting all the riches due him by the suicidal indigenous whites—welfare apartment, monthly checks, freedom of worship—Kobili asked for only two things: some pot to smoke every day, and the right to toss a Jew out a window.
In 2017 Silly Billy Kobili broke into his neighbor’s apartment. The neighbor, 65-year-old retired physician Dr. Sarah Attal-Halimi, a Jew, probably thought the man had entered to get his hot roll and butter. But no—he was there to beat her senseless and toss her from the window of her third-story apartment. And he did so while yelling, “Allahu akbar!” and “I killed Satan!”
Because this is France we’re talking about here, Milli Kobili was not charged with a hate crime, and no religious motive was attached to the murder by prosecutors. Throughout the trial, occasionally this or that Frenchman would ask, “Zees seems stupeed of us, no?” And then he’d be reminded of his nationality and be like, “Ah-ha-haaa, we are French! Stupeed is what we do best!”
Kobili’s defense team argued that their client only committed the unfortunate act because he was high on the Mary Jane, the wacky weed, the sassy grass. And of course, it worked. He was declared “not criminally responsible” because he smoked pot. After all, pot makes you do loopy things, like eating an entire pizza at 4 a.m. or sleeping through a job interview or defenestrating a bubbe.
Leftists: Pot is harmless and should be legalized everywhere.
Also leftists: Pot will make you Himmler.
Cheech and Chong in Up in Smoke II: Sobibor Stoners.
France’s Jews, unhappy with the court’s decision for some odd reason, bitched all the way up to the nation’s top legal body, La Cour des Imbéciles Suprêmes, and last week that esteemed institution ruled with finality that yes, being high is totally an excuse to javelin an old yenta through a window like Keshorn Walcott.
Following the verdict, France’s top Muslim cleric, Ali Sheidy, was asked by reporters if the decision presents a conundrum for believers. After all, Muslims are not supposed to do drugs. How will France’s jihad-happy Muhammadans deal with the fact that smoking pot has now become a license to kill Jews?
The cleric didn’t hear the question, as he was too preoccupied smoking a giant doobie while sharpening his beheading tools.
While we’re in the Islamic Caliphate of France, let’s stay for one more story.
And speaking of stories…there’s an oft-told, possibly apocryphal tale about beloved song-and-dance man Jimmy Durante. As the story goes, Durante had been arm-twisted by a friend to join him on an early-morning fishing trip, which meant the ol’ Schnozzola would have to wake up before dawn. At 4:30 a.m., the sky still dark, Durante got dressed as his friend came by to pick him up. Grumpy and irascible, as they walked to the friend’s car, Durante shook a tree, disturbing the birds nesting above.
“Why’d you do that?” asked the friend.
The reply: “If Durante ain’t sleepin’, da boids ain’t sleepin’.”
Whether true or not, it’s a funny anecdote about a much-loved entertainer. A less funny and totally true anecdote about a very not-loved group of arrogant barbarous alien invaders goes something like this: Since Muslims are not supposed to drink water on Ramadan, they’ve decided that you can’t either.
“If Muhammad ain’t drinkin’, da woild ain’t drinkin’.”
Evian is a French company that made its name hawking overpriced bottled water. Being in the water-selling biz, Evian’s tweets often highlight the benefits of drinking water.
That sorta makes sense. You know, in a normal world.
But in Woke World, it’s a genocidal atrocity. Last Tuesday, the company tweeted the very innocuous message, “Retweet if you have already drunk a litre of water today.”
No, pretty Islamophobic!
See, last Tuesday happened to fall during the Muslim “holy month” of Ramadan. And during Ramadan, Muslims are not allowed to eat or drink anything during the daytime. What they’re not forbidden from doing, however, is being a major pain in the ass to the rest of the world (if only there were a prohibition on that, a lot more people might get behind this “Ramadan” thing). So when Evian tweeted about drinking water, France’s Muslims, the beheadingest Muslims in Europe, declared a jihad against the company.
Gilles Verdez, a TV journalist and homme de pluie extraordinaire, called the tweet “commercial Islamophobia.” And within hours Evian melted faster than a snowcap turning into a mountain stream. The company apologized for being a water company that advocated drinking water on a day when a religious minority was only drinking water at night.
Surprisingly, this sparked a backlash from Frenchies who are sick and tired of seeing “woke Americanism” imported into their country. When a Frenchman is so craven and cowardly that other Frenchmen call him out on it, well…that really says something. And the CEO of Evian got an earful from French conservatives over his dhimmi truckling. Conservative MP Éric Ciotti declared “let’s stop this madness. How far will this everyday intellectual terrorism go?” Robert Ménard, mayor of Béziers, condemned Evian’s “total surrender” in the face of “increasingly paranoid and intolerant Muslims.” And a commentary in Le Figaro claimed that U.S.-style “woke religion” is subverting French culture and history.
Perhaps in the end, if the French are able to fight the woke wave washing over the West, they’ll do so by marshaling their legendary snobbery and arrogance against what they view (correctly, this time) as an inferior American import.
The French may very well be saved by the thing the rest of the world has long most detested about them. An irony devoutly to be wished.
THIS NATION’S A RACIST HELLHOLE! LET ME IN!
You know how you could tell the attitude toward Jews in 1938 New York from the attitude toward Jews in 1938 Germany? Jews were trying to flee Germany, and Jews were trying to enter New York.
It’s pretty much as simple as that. Universities could draft studies, governments could form working groups, but in the end, airplane and passenger ship ticket sales told the story better than any academic paper.
To New York, Jews were like, “Let us in!”
To Germany, Jews were like, “Let us out!”
Ah, simpler times! These days, “refugees” seem to have the algorithm backwards. Somehow it’s become all about wanting to enter First World nations that are supposedly racist genocidal hellholes while fleeing Third World nations of love and tolerance.
Damnedest thing. It’s almost like it’s not really about which nations are actually “racist,” but which ones can be browbeaten and bullied by accusations of racism.
And speaking of damned things, the United Nations—that rarest of orgs that manages to be both ineffectual and destructive at the same time (as in, sending in “peacekeepers” who don’t keep the peace but do rape locals)—has officially denounced the U.K. for not properly denouncing itself as racist. The melee started last year when, after a fentanyl freak got de-breathed in Minneapolis, the Boris Johnson government decided to form a commission to study the U.K.’s role in the death of a respiratorily challenged bad-check passer in the U.S.
The final report of the Commission on Race and Ethnic Disparities, formally presented to Parliament last week, arrived at two conclusions:
(1) George Floyd’s heart did not give out because BBC America reruns made him addicted to running in fast motion like Benny Hill as “Yakety Sax” played in the background.
England was in the clear!
(2) England, while somewhat racist, is not as racist as some believe. Indeed, the report concluded:
While disparities between ethnic groups exist across numerous areas, many factors other than racism are often the root cause. Among these are geography, deprivation, and family structure. For example, a Black Caribbean child is ten times more likely than an Indian child to grow up in a lone parent household. And disparities exist in different directions. People from South Asian and Chinese ethnic groups have better outcomes than the white population in more than half of the top 25 causes of premature death. Most ethnic minority groups [are] now outperforming their white British peers at GCSE level.
The report does not deny that institutional racism exists in the UK. Rather, the report did not find conclusive evidence of it in the specific areas it examined. It reaffirms the Macpherson report’s definition of the term but argues it should be applied more carefully and always based on evidence.
Well, it’s a good thing the U.N. is too inept to build rockets, or England would once again be facing a Blitzkrieg. How dare the British not condemn themselves as the evil racists they are!
The U.N. Working Group of Experts on People of African Descent (made up of five white guys who’ve seen every Tyler Perry film and a Chinaman who once ate grits by accident) decried the report for “normalizing white supremacy” and “repeating racist tropes.”
The leaders of the U.N. Human Rights Office of the High Commissioner took time out from helping Iran execute gays to denounce the report as “an ad hominem attack on people of African descent.”
U.N. commissioners called on the Johnson government to reject the report and disband the commission.
Unfortunately for them, Johnson happens to be in need of something that can make him look like he still has a spine, having so badly bollixed his Covid response over the past year. Johnson rejected the U.N.’s demand, reclaiming just enough of his dignity to see his poll numbers rise to a level they’d not reached since he actually contracted Covid last year.
The lesson: There are two ways for a world leader to look strong: survive Covid or spit in the face of the U.N.
Now, spitting Covid in the face of the U.N.? Well, that’s a guaranteed reelection-getter right there.
OY! OY! I’M EXTOIMINATING MYSELF!
Picking up on the Jews and Nazis theme, how sad that Joseph Goebbels never lived to see these wondrous times. All the marvels he missed out on: He could’ve written his infamous diary on a MacBook Pro. Custom-designed Nikes could’ve made that clubfoot problem a thing of the past, and Botox would’ve really fleshed out that Skeletor face.
But of all the wonders that a 2021 Goebbels might’ve beheld, nothing would have thrilled the man more than a new innovation from New York City: the self-expelling Jew. From the moment the Nazis came to power, Goebbels’ singular obsession was to make Germany and its territories “Judenfrei.” All the poor guy wanted was an empire in which bagels were a relic of the past and “Yidl Mitn Fidl” was permanently retired from radio airplay. But getting rid of so many Jews was a tiring task. He’d scare ’em away, he’d offer them incentives to leave, he’d even pogrom them into submission, but as hundreds of thousands fled, some just would not go. Goebbels was especially frustrated by his inability to totally clear Jews from his beloved Berlin. Even after forced expulsions and “resettlements” began, there’d always be one or two damn Jews sticking around, mocking him with their presence.
Oh, the headache! 1941 Goebbels really could’ve used some Advil.
Conversely, 2021 Goebbels would be overcome with joy to meet Quinn Mootz, a New York City Jewess with a vision…a vision of a Judenfrei Upper West Side! Mootz is campaign manager for city council candidate Sara Lind, and last week she unleashed a tweetstorm about how the Upper West Side is “too Jewish.”
As of 2018: 10.8% of the population is Asian, 4.1% black, 14.1% hispanic [sic], and 68.4% white. So yeah ima go ahead and say the UWS has a diversity problem. Of your 191,000 residents…. 130,795 are white.”
“Jews are not POC for just being jewish [sic]. sorry,” she added; they gotta go too (more than half of Upper West Side “whites” are Jews).
Time for Jews to begin resettling themselves! Sending themselves to the east! Expulsions are needed, because apparently Goebbels was right: Once a city gets “too Jewish,” it becomes an oppressive Hebraic duchy in which other races and cultures are overpowered, disenfranchised, and neglected. That was Goebbels’ exact point, and it’s Mootz’s as well.
One suspects this would’ve been enough for Hitler to have awarded Mootz “honorary Aryan status” were she leading the charge to de-Jewify Berlin back in the day. But since it’s 2021, she’ll probably have to settle for a Vox or Atlantic column when her candidate loses (NYC pundits have pointed out that it’s unlikely that Lind will win a heavily Jewish district with a campaign manager whose platform is “no more Jews”).
Needless to say, Mootz has received a tremendous amount of blowback on social media and in the press. In response, Mootz has whined that the negative comments are “nasty” and “cruel” and “hurtful.” All she did was say that she wanted fewer Jews in her city, and look at how mean everyone’s being to her!
Quinn Mootz cries in pain as she strikes you.
Honorary Aryan or not, she’s certainly got that stereotypical Jew thing down pat.
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