The Week’s Most Buoyant, Clairvoyant, and Foudroyant Headlines
JEWS VS. DAS SCHWARZE KORPS
Believe it or not, last week’s tragic and deadly stampede at an Orthodox Jewish religious festival in Israel (which, it should be noted, did not start because someone heard a coin drop, so let’s end that anti-Semitic slander right now), was not the week’s worst example of Jews blindly and suicidally charging toward their own destruction.
No, that honor goes to the Einsteins, Salks, and Seinfelds who run Tucson’s Jewish History Museum/Holocaust History Center. Those putzes ran headfirst into an execution trench of their own digging.
Gugulethu Moyo, or “Gugu” as she likes to be called, is a walking nightmare. If Cuba Gooding went to a costume ball dressed as a transvestite dressed as Angela Davis, he’d look better and less like a caricature than Gugu.
Gugu was born in Zimbabwe, where she soon proved to be among the nation’s higher-functioning elites, earning a law degree and working on a variety of “human rights” causes in Africa and the U.K. Coming to the U.S., that “higher-functioning” thing led Gugu to a revelation: Jews have outsize influence here, and they love finding new ways to virtue-signal how not-racist they are.
So Gugu decided to become a JewJew. She took an online conversion course, acing some very difficult questions:
When a Jew hears the word “Holocaust,” the proper catchphrase with which to respond is:
(b) “Yada yada yada”
(c) “Well excuuuuuuse me!”
(d) “Nanu nanu”
(e) “NEVAH AGAIN!”
Gugu made her way to Tucson, where she started working for the Jewish History Museum/Holocaust History Center. Oy, the kvelling! “We have a female African Jewish schvartze working here! We’re the Holocaustiest Holocaust museum in the woild!”
In November, the esteemed schmucks, nebbishes, and yentas on the museum’s board unanimously decided to elevate Gugu to the position of executive director, making her, in the words of the Arizona Jewish Post, “the first Jew of Color to lead an American Jewish museum.”
There was no way this could go south (if by “no way” one means “about 10,000 ways”).
Last week, as reported by the JTA, Gugu Doll was dismissed from the museum, cast out of the institute into the desert like black Moses, crossing not the Red Sea but the museum’s Koi Pond of Remembrance, pursued not by Pharaoh but a whole mess of angry Yids. Apparently, Gugu had tried to use the museum to push BLM propaganda and George Soros “no bail” “criminal justice reform” programs, which angered several of the museum’s well-heeled Arizonan donors.
“They didn’t like having to focus on racial justice,” Gugu told the JTA.
Although the board initially backed Gugu against the donors, soon enough she started accusing the board of being “too white and male,” and when she decided that she didn’t want to work as many hours as they felt an executive director should, she accused the board of engaging in “slavery.” In no time, she was denouncing the board members as “racists” and “oppressors.”
Who could’ve seen that coming? Only every sonofabitch in the entire friggin’ world.
With Gugu gonegone, peace has returned to the museum. New executive director Michelle Blumenberg has vowed to keep the institution’s focus where it belongs: kicking the corpses of dead Germans while telling present-day ones to keep in line and keep quiet.
For her part, Gugu has accepted a position with the Council of American Jewish Museums, where she’s already hard at work planning her tumultuous exit from that den of slavery and colonialism.
The 2003 California gubernatorial recall was launched chiefly due to discontent regarding the state’s electricity crisis of the early 2000s. Technically, then-governor Gray Davis wasn’t actually responsible for the outages, but the dull-as-water-on-white-bread Davis, whose advisers were known to carry small mirrors to hold in front of the guy’s mouth to make sure the expressionless dimwit was still breathing, nevertheless faced the fury of voters whose visits to porn sites were being interrupted by blackouts right before the money shot.
When the recall election heated up, Davis began pandering, pledging to give driver’s licenses to illegal aliens. Which in turn gave his No. 1 challenger exactly the issue he needed, as the blackouts were long past and out of memory for all but the most traumatized Pornhub addicts.
Arnold Schwarzenegger rode the “no licenses for illegals” issue to victory. Unfortunately, the movie strongman soon discovered that no amount of unintelligible guttural grunting could overcome the state’s Democrat legislative supermajority, so the big guy just gave up, forming his own in-house DMV where Guatemalan housekeepers could take his personalized oral test.
With a new California recall on the horizon, the candidates lining up to take on 1980s Bret Easton Ellis villain Gavin Newsom are fishing hard to find the best issue on which to run. Currently, Newsom’s hypocrisy regarding the Covid lockdowns is a weakness…but, as with the rolling blackouts in 2003, will that issue still resonate by November? Plus, for the state’s largest population center—L.A. County—it’s almost quaint to think that in 2003 the occasional power outage was the citizenry’s biggest gripe, considering that barely a year ago a group of thugs and terrorists burned down large swaths of the county’s retail districts.
But it’s unlikely that any challenger will make “law and order” or anti-BLM a central campaign theme. Blacks may comprise less than 5% of the state, but most politicians probably assume it’s way higher, considering the endless pandering by Hollywood and both political parties to this tiny irrelevant demo. It’s a perception problem similar to how over half of Americans believe that LGBTs make up a quarter of the population, whereas in reality all LGBTs put together equal roughly 4.5%, and trannies specifically comprise one half of one percent.
Did somebody say trannies?
Caitlyn Jenner is emerging as an early favorite to be Newsom’s No. 1 contender. Former Trump cabinet member Ric Grenell is another possible challenger, as is failed 2018 GOP gubernatorial candidate John Cox (polls show the openly gay Grenell handily beating Cox. In fact, not just whipping Cox but devouring Cox).
With Grenell keeping a firm hold on Cox—a grip he’s unlikely to relinquish—it falls to Jenner, who left her concerns about Cox behind on an operating table years ago, to break out of the pack and become the ordained anti-Newsom uniter.
Surprisingly, Jenner has elected to make her first platform statement one that’s guaranteed to kill any of the tranny goodwill she might’ve received from the alphabet soupers: She’s come down squarely against biological boys competing in women’s scholastic sports. This is sheer blasphemy. There’s nothing of greater importance to trannies than pummeling actual women in sporting events. One suspects that certain men don wigs and dresses for that purpose alone. And it has to be young women. It’s gotta be scholastic sports, when girls are especially emotionally vulnerable.
Remember—a brilliant scientist who wears an anime shirt must be canceled because his shirt “might” (via some unspoken principle) intimidate young girls from entering STEM. But when John Goodman in drag overwhelms actual 15-year-old girls in high school sports, that isn’t even remotely intimidating. In fact, it just helps those female athletes raise their game (or learn to accept crushing defeat with grace).
Jenner’s position on tranny sports has earned scorn from the transtolerant left. Because Jenner’s a traitor! A turncoat! A real Be-no-dicked Arnold. Joy Behar even misgendered Jenner on The View! That’s normally a capital crime, but not in this case.
As for Jenner, she might be banking on the fact that she’s running in a state that between 2000 and 2008 twice voted to ban gay marriage. Perhaps she senses that an electorate against that is most likely also against Dwayne Johnson in lipstick stomping on teen girls.
Whether or not that will be a successful strategy remains to be seen. For many Californians, the only recall victory that matters has already been won: It pushed Newsom to finally end all Covid lockdowns. So, considering what a pathetic wreck Schwarzenegger became once in office, that might be the only good thing to ever come from a California recall.
A TURD BY ANY OTHER NAME
Branding is a bitch. When a product with longtime customer familiarity decides to embark on a name-change, the results can be a mixed bag.
Sometimes, the rebranding occurs seamlessly, as when Kentucky Fried Chicken chose to officially become KFC. Consumers had been using that term for years anyway, all part of the “let’s make artery-clogging fast food hip and fun” thing that took off in the 1980s with “Mickey D’s.” On the other hand, when another purveyor of unhealthy fare—British Petroleum—tried to rebrand as Beyond Petroleum, the global ridicule was such that the conglomerate had to settle for “BP.”
Initials are an easier transition than outright name-changes. Like when Overstock.com tried to become O.co. That idea didn’t last very long, although the marketing company that concocted it made enough money from the ten minutes it took to think of that name to keep everyone in upper management knee-deep in blow for a month. Then there was ValuJet, which, eager to rebrand following a mass-fatality crash, became AirTran. Well, that didn’t work out, as flyers avoided the airline out of fear that the flight attendants would be men in dresses patrolling the aisles screaming, “CALL ME MA’AM!”
And of course 2020 saw a steady stream of social justice rebrandings. Aunt Jemima and Eskimo Pies changed their names entirely, with the former choosing the amazingly catchy Pearl Milling Company as the new moniker, and the latter choosing Igloo-Dwelling Seal-Spearing D-Bags in Parkas Pies, although that’s likely to be altered in committee.
Taking a more pragmatic approach, the Washington Redskins rebranded last year as simply the “Washington Football Team” (that name was born when a bunch of D.C. locals in a focus group were offered EBT cards if they named the Washington football team, and after twenty hours of intense thought they realized the name had been right in front of them the whole time).
And now D.C. itself is looking to rebrand. With the Democrats going all-in on D.C. statehood, everyone agrees that the new state will need a new stately name. In the first D.C. statehood resolution unsuccessfully put before Congress in 1992, the suggested name for the 51st state was “New Columbia.” Sadly, that caused tremendous frustration among locals as they struggled to find Old Columbia on U.S. maps.
In 2016, the name of the hypothetical D.C. state was changed to Douglass Commonwealth, in honor of Jimmy Douglass, the recording engineer behind Hall & Oates. After another twenty-hour focus-group session, it was decided that 19th-century abolitionist and orator Frederick Douglass would be a better Douglass to use as a namesake.
So that’s where it stands now. Should D.C. become a state, it will be known as Douglass Commonwealth.
But there’s a “problematic” in the mix. Because in woke America there’s always a “problematic” somewhere in the mix. After Douglass’ first wife, who was black, passed away, the great orator fled to the arms of a white woman twenty years his junior, and the two married, much to the chagrin of Douglass’ adult children from his first marriage, who considered the new, white wife a betrayal of their mother and their race. Indeed, Douglass’ daughter-in-law even sued him (black newspapers at the time were equally harsh in their judgment of Douglass’ ebony/ivory shtick).
It gets worse. Douglass never even taught his first wife to read. Her job was to raise the kids barefoot and illiterate while he traveled the nation doing a Morgan Freeman impression (“Look, trust me, in 140 years this impression will kill!”). And as soon as she croaked, he hopped in bed with a young educated white suffragette.
Of course, these complexities of the Douglass legacy need not become a problem. Unless, that is, black women in 2021 America have a tendency to be vocally and perhaps slightly irrationally opposed to anything that might even remotely be construed as disrespect.
So, yes, these complexities of the Douglass legacy will become a problem. It might be a good strategic move for the D.C. statehood people to have a few backup names at the ready.
If it matters, the Hall & Oates guy—who, it should be noted, is black—could really use the publicity.
And what better anthem for the nation’s capital—the home of the Democrat and Republican machines, the stomping ground of calcified legacy media reporters and chronically inaccurate pollsters, the assisted-living facility of Joe Biden—than “Out of Touch”?
TINKER TAILER WOKER SPY
It’s hard to decide which is a more frightening scenario: that the CIA is an all-knowing, all-seeing conspiratorial hidden hand directing human destiny via the puppet mastery of a staff of high-skilled, high-IQ, cold, unemotional superspies who can influence the course of world events and bend wills to theirs as easily as one might flick a light switch…or that the CIA is made up of incompetent mouthbreathers who coast purely on their agency’s false reputation and the meritocracy-free job security of deep-state employment.
Conspiracy theorists desperately want to believe the former; indeed, their entire worldview depends on it. But the evidence is not always on their side. After all, this is the “intelligence agency” that botched the Bay of Pigs invasion, failed to foresee or plan for the Cuban Missile Crisis, ignored evidence of the Soviet ICBM buildup of 1965, dismissed reports of a VC offensive during Tet, missed every sign leading up to the Yom Kippur War, declared in August 1978 that “Iran is not in a revolutionary or even a pre-revolutionary situation,” assured President Carter that the Soviets would never invade Afghanistan lest they get bogged down in an unwinnable war, was taken by surprise by the breakup of the Soviet Union, was blindsided by the 1998 Indian nuclear test, and—most famously—was caught sleeping by 9/11.
This is the same “fearsome” agency that tried to kill Fidel Castro with exploding cigars, a contaminated diving suit, an exploding seashell, and a poison pen…failing miserably each time.
CIA? More like I Am Sam.
Rather than defend its competence, as often as not the CIA tries to explain its failures by stressing its lack of integrity and independence. When called out for its wildly inaccurate report on Saddam Hussein’s “WMDs,” the best explanation the CIA could muster was “Durr, we just writed whut Bush done tolded us to.”
Considering that history, both in terms of gross incompetence and susceptibility to prevailing political winds, it’s surprising that conservatives have reacted with such shock and outrage at the CIA’s latest “diversity” recruitment campaign, in which various “identity group” agents are trotted out to show off the agency’s wokeness. One PSA features a blind agent (holding high-pressure water hose: “Am I near the board? Am I aiming at his mouth? How close am I?”). Another features an agent who describes herself as an “intersectional woman of color Latina cisgender millennial who has been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder.”
A CIA agent with anxiety disorder…
“Agent X self-terminated. She bit down on her cyanide capsule.”
“Was she captured by the enemy?”
“No. She was getting her morning paper and a neighbor said ‘Hi.’”
The most common response to this new “diversity” campaign from rightist commentators and pundits has been to point out that publicizing our most delicate, unstable, handicapped, affirmative-action spies is not the best way to strike fear into the hearts of the Chinese and Russians. But that criticism is only valid if one assumes that those nations had any fear of the CIA prior to this new woke campaign. Both nations—the Chinese especially—have been spying with impunity on Americans on American soil for decades. Neither foe acts as if it’s terribly fearful of our intelligence machinery.
When estimation is already at rock bottom, it can’t go any lower. It’s unlikely that anyone in Beijing greeted this new CIA campaign with anything other than a “what else is new?” look of bemusement (to whatever extent those inscrutable automatons are capable of facial expression).
And to be fair on two points: First, the CIA woke recruitment campaign began under Trump, who probably thought it would be a great way for him to win 100% of the mentally ill woman of color Latina single mom millennial vote (“Mexico doesn’t send its best, so we put ’em on Buspirone and make ’em spies”). And second, damn near forty years ago, in September 1983, it was Ronald Reagan’s Interior Secretary James Watt who bragged about the diversity of his coal-leasing review committee by announcing at a Chamber of Commerce breakfast, “We have every kind of mix you can have. I have a black, I have a woman, two Jews, and a cripple. And we have talent.”
No, the Chinese have lost neither respect for us nor fear of us due to the CIA’s latest misadventure. Because the Chinese have been paying attention for a long time.
RACISM FAKER, AWARENESS MAKER
America is only beginning to come to terms with the destructive effects on a generation of children deprived of a year of schooling due to Covid. Learning lost, socialization lost; millions of kids literally an entire grade behind. Yet arguably the most tragic victims of the school lockdowns are the racist graffiti hoaxers. How can a black or Latinx student scrawl swastikas or “KKK” or “WHITE POWER” or “GO BACK TO MEXICO! MAGA!” on bathroom walls and stalls and mirrors when classes are remote?
Sure, young BLM terrorists-in-training have been practicing at home, but it’s just not the same when you have no whites to pin it on. Plus, moms don’t like havin’ to clean up that mess (the Windex 1-800-number 24-hour cleaning helpline has noted a 110% increase in questions like “How do I get ‘Niggers must die!’ written in Sharpie off my bathroom mirror?”).
But if BLM younglings are good at anything, it’s innovating new ways to sow racial hatred (and that’s about it).
Last month, black students at White Bear Lake High School in Minnesota were targeted with racist graffiti remotely, via social media messages. Funny enough, though, the messages weren’t anonymous. They appeared to have been sent by a young, white, conservative student named Avery Severson. Who for some reason put her name on the threats she sent.
“Leave my school nigger! You must leave White Bear” read one message. Others were in a similar vein: “That’s why George Floyd died and can’t wait for everyone of your color to leave like this.”
“You should be hanged. You are a filthy African girl. Nobody wants you here. Go to a black school, This is WHITE bear lake.”
One of the recipients of the hateful messages was a student named Precious Boahen (can you guess her race?), who responded by leading a schoolwide walkout of “students of color.”
“Someone really took the time to threaten me and my beautiful friends with death just because we’re a little bit darker than the rest of you,” Precious told the local news.
The simple wisdom of a child. Don’t hate someone just because they’re “a little bit darker than you.” A quote for the ages, a statement of such power Frederick Douglass himself looked down from the heavens and said, “Now, that young sista I’d marry.”
And then it turned out that the entire racist messages thing was a hoax. They were sent by a student of color in order to, in the words of the FBI officials who briefly stopped pursuing Jan. 6 protesters to rush to St. Paul to investigate the matter, “raise awareness of social and racial injustice.” Oh, and to frame a white conservative student.
Because the true culprit is a minor, neither the FBI nor the school would release his or her name. But one wonders if it rhymes with Brecious Poahen.
Barack Obama is said to have operated under the guiding principle of, “Never let a good crisis go to waste.” But today’s young blacks have taken that one step further: “Never let a fake crisis go to waste.” Even though the emails were a hoax, black students at White Bear nevertheless demanded increased “diversity” brainwashing and “equity” propaganda in the classrooms and among the faculty. The students also slammed the district superintendent, Wayne Kazmierczak, for using the word “hoax” when describing the incident’s resolution.
“Really, wake up Mr. Superintendent and the entire administrative staff, all staff. Racism is Not, I repeat; IS NOT A HOAX. This district has problems and it is now TIME to do something about it! Learn for yourselves first and teach, accept, acknowledge and be accountable,” read one comment on a local TV news station’s Facebook page.
In response, Kazmierczak apologized and released a statement in which he agreed that the entire event is a “teachable moment” to “raise awareness” of racism against black students.
In other words, the hoaxer got his/her way. Mission accomplished.
And Avery Severson got no apology from the school.
Such fine stewards of America’s educational institutions. With lessons like “Racist hoaxes show us the real racism that exists except it doesn’t which is why it had to be faked but the fakery was necessary in order to expose the real racism that doesn’t exist,” perhaps America’s kids were helped more than we realize by a year’s absence from these tard farms.
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