The Week’s Most Erratic, Phlegmatic, and Morganatic Headlines
BEVERLY HILLS FLOP
It was the brazen daytime robbery that froze Beverly Hills in its tracks. Last March, a trio of thugs descended upon an outdoor dining patio in the city’s ritzy shopping district in an attempt to rob a local jewelry store owner of his purdy purdy watch. One of the thugs aimed a gun at the jeweler as another tried to pry off the watch. When the bejeweled victim resisted, the thug’s gun went off, striking a young lady in the leg as she dined on grouper. The woman’s lunch, including the fancy dipping sauce, splattered all over the beautiful orange balsam, or jewelweed, that lined the patio, and the panicked thieves ran off with the watch but not much else, their plan for a grand robbery having been interrupted by unforeseen circumstances.
Because the crime occurred in Beverly Hills and not the city of L.A., police actually set about solving it. The gunman left his weapon behind, and another of the thugs bled on the victim’s shirt during the struggle. Plus the entire affair was captured by security cameras. In due time, all three assailants were caught.
Last week the three stooges were arraigned, which proved a nightmare for local media. After all, the L.A. Times and the TV news had taken great pains to keep the racial identities of the thugs a secret. Perhaps it had been a trio of Norwegians? You know how violent they get. Or maybe nomads from Outer Mongolia. Hell, they could’ve even been Jewish; after all, who else would panic and drop the gun Jerry Lewis-style?
“Oy, it’s so slippery and OY such a bang it made with the bullets and the yelling and the oyyygenflaaaaaaygen!”
So at the arraignment, when the names of the three suspects were released, it put the press in a terrible spot: Malik Lamont Powell, Khai McGhee, and Marquise Anthony Gardon.
Damn, why is it never the Norwegians?
The three are members of the Rollin’ 30s Crips street gang, a revelation that led many locals to express surprise that there are still any black gangs left in the county.
C’mon, Mexicans. You had one job.
Another revelation was the trio’s MO. A fourth (as yet unapprehended) suspect is a young black woman whose role was to walk up and down the streets of the dining district pretending to be on her phone, while secretly casing outdoor patios for targets. Yes, sometimes “walking while black” is a crime. She’s the one who spotted the fancy watch and reported the victim’s location.
Unfortunately, Scoutquesha was a little too good at her job. That watch was more than fancy. It was a $500,000 Richard Mille RM 11-03 Flyback Chronograph, the luxury watch of luxury watches, made famous by such luminaries as Rafael Nadal, Jackie Chan, and Natalie Portman.
It’s such a rare watch, the three dummiegos couldn’t fence it. Every jewelry store, pawnshop, and independent dealer in town knew it was hot. The pyramid-builders even tried to take it to Chinatown, hoping that the “chinks” hadn’t seen the news.
They were chased away by a furious Chinese jeweler, who (one can only hope) was wielding a cleaver and screaming, “Choiachoiachingchong, you no come back or I chop you up for dog food!”
So in the end, the robbery was all for naught. The thugs didn’t make a cent.
At the arraignment, all three suspects pleaded “maaaaaaaaaan.”
And while we’re on the topic of Chinamen and thugs…
Congratulations, American taxpayer. Your money has solved that most baffling of unsolvable riddles…why are Asians getting assaulted in America’s big cities, and how can this yellow plague be stopped?
If you think the answer has something to do with increased policing and incarceration of the predominantly black thugs who’ve been carrying out the assaults, well, more the fool you. See, that’s why you don’t run the Public Broadcasting System. Fortunately, the heads of PBS have come up with the answer: Asians are being assaulted because they’re ashamed of their eyes.
If we can just make Orientals feel good about their beady, shifty little peepers, anti-Asian violence will cease.
The “science” behind this principle is about as sound as “kids need masks and Covid vaccines,” but hey—PBS is like Fauci: funded by the people to fool the people.
Last week, Sesame Street debuted a new video as part of its “racial justice for young children” series. In the video, a real-life Asian man and a black Muppet (because all the real-life black actors were too busy being cast in every single online commercial that plays before videos on YouTube) cheer up an Asian child who got bullied because of her eyes. The Muppet and the man reassure the girl that “everything about you is beautiful, both inside and out” (blatantly ignoring her giant honker, but that’s for another video).
“The color and the shape and the size, should always make you proud of your eyes!” the man sings.
The man and the Muppet conclude by telling the girl how important it is that her eyes look like those of her family members. “My eyes are the same as my dad’s,” the man proudly proclaims. “I’m really proud that I look like him, because our eyes make us special and unique.”
In the background of the video you can hear a million adopted kids weeping dejectedly.
Ironically, just as the new Sesame Street video debuted, an article in Allure decried the current trend among white Instagram models of aping the almond-shaped “fox eye” look popularized by wasted organ banks like Bella Hadid. Rather than telling white chicks to be proud of their eyes, Allure slammed them for “anti-Asian cultural appropriation.”
Because whites can never be sympathetic. Asians hate their eyes? It’s because whites are evil. Whites want more exotic eyes? It’s because whites are evil.
Don’t expect to see a Sesame Street video in which a white girl is told to be proud of her eyes. Although next week, the little Asian girl from the video returns after a visit to New York City, and the man and the Muppet are forced to cheer her up again, this time by singing a song about the beauty of the two black eyes given to her by a random street brutha.
THE GODZILLA OLYMPICS
2021 is shaping up to be the year of the tranny. Last week, a 27-year-old Philippines-born dude named Kataluna Enriquez won the Miss Nevada USA beauty pageant, becoming the first transgender dude-in-a-dress to win that title, and the first American fella in a wig to compete in the Miss USA pageant.
Yep, to all you biological women out there, once again a man has proved that he can do female better than you.
Enriquez has not released any information about his pre-beauty-(drag)-queen life, but he has been very open about being mentally ill. “I’ve been in therapy since I was 10,” he told the Las Vegas Review-Journal.
You don’t say.
As Enriquez prepares to compete in the national pageant, he told the Review-Journal that his advocacy focus will be on “visibility,” a welcome change from all those other contestants who used their moment on stage to push for invisibility (such unhelpful advocacy culminated in tragedy at the 1997 Miss USA pageant when Miss Maryland’s attempt to fly an invisible Wonder Woman plane into the auditorium led to a mass casualty event).
But the tranny victory in Nevada was only the tip of the iceberg. A New Zealand shemale named “Laurel Hubbard” became the first transgender manwoman to qualify for the Olympics. “She’ll” be competing against actual women as a weightlifter, bringing to the mat a heckload of moxie, gumption, and biologically male bone and muscle density.
Hubbard told the press that he’s been treated very well since qualifying for the games. His only complaint is that people keep confusing him for the fat guy at the start of the “One Step Beyond” music video. “I don’t like ska,” he told the AP, “so I wish I didn’t have all these Madness fans coming up to me saying, ‘Hey you, don’t watch that—watch theeesss!’”
Here in the U.S., dudes in dresses have been falling all over themselves to become America’s first tranny Olympian. In Eugene, Oregon, professional runner Nikki Hiltz failed to qualify for the team after being tripped up by her own penis during a sprint. New Hampshire transgender hurdler CeCe Telfer was similarly disqualified when her erect member kept banging against the hurdles. Fortunately, tranny BMX biker Chelsea Wolfe made the cut, becoming the first tranny athlete to go for the gold on Team USA. As with all competitive bikers, years of riding have flattened her rod and sack into an amorphous pancake.
Rumor has it that the influx of trans athletes is not so much a project of social justice, but a crude attempt to psych out the Japs at their own Olympics by parading around a bunch of grotesque giants masquerading as women, in the hopes that the Japanese athletes will pause mid-competition and say in unsynchronized English, “OHHHHHHH! Godzilla is attacking the stadium! Run for your rives!”
THE POL POT CALLS THE KETTLE BLACK
Hey, didja hear? The United Nations has something to say about George Floyd and “genocidal racism” in the U.S.!
Well c’mon, folks. Let’s gather ’round and hear what the putrid smegma of Eleanor Roosevelt’s fever dreams wants to tell the nation about treating blacks in a humane manner.
Last week Michelle Bachelet, the U.N. High Commissioner for Human Rights, released her long-awaited-by-no-one report on George Floyd. And heaven knows every black American from Detroit to Atlanta has been waiting with bated breath to find out what Michelle Bachelet thinks of George Floyd.
SPOILER ALERT! Do not read any further unless you want the ending of Michelle Bachelet’s George Floyd report to be revealed.
Last chance to turn back!
Okay, here it is…
She loves him! And she demands that the U.S. “make amends” for his killing. As reported by the AP, Bachelet, a Chilean socialist, states that even though the U.S. government should flood the black community with reparations cash, that alone will not make up for the death of a guy she never knew existed until a year ago:
“Reparations should not only be equated with financial compensation,” she wrote, adding that it should include restitution, rehabilitation, acknowledgement of injustices, apologies, memorialization, educational reforms and “guarantees” that such injustices won’t happen again.
Bachelet boasted that she wrote her report after speaking with “340 black people,” a.k.a. the entire weekly audience for Joy Reid’s MSNBC show.
Amazingly, Bachelet was interviewed by the same AP that, just four years ago, ran a piece titled “UN peacekeepers in Congo hold record for rape, sex abuse.” Yet the intrepid AP reporters failed to ask Bachelet follow-up questions like “How can you make blanket condemnations of an entire nation for the death of one black person when the organization you lead literally ‘holds the record’ for raping black women?”
By the way, it should be added that the aforementioned record is totally verified by the Guinness people, although a spokesman for the world record-keeping org was quick to point out that with Bill Cosby back on the loose, the U.N.’s claim to fame might be fleeting.
From the AP report:
Of the 2,000 sexual abuse and exploitation complaints made against U.N. peacekeepers and personnel worldwide over the past 12 years, more than 700 occurred in Congo, The Associated Press found. Peacekeepers try to distract young girls with cookies, candy and milk to rape them.
Oh, but by all means, demand that the U.S. completely upend itself because one fentanyl freak got winded.
At the close of her interview with the AP, Bachelet rolled around in a pile of U.S. taxpayer money, before offering the reporters some cookies, candy, and milk.
“Sometimes the girls lose their appetite when the raping starts,” she told the journalists, “so we end up with leftovers. Please eat up. What’s left will be sent to Cosby, especially the milk, which goes quite well with Quaaludes.”
“FUCK EVERYTHING”…BUT NOT EVERYTHING
Anyone lucky enough to not know what today’s youthful imbeciles do on TikTok is blessed, and that blissful ignorance is one to cherish. Essentially, TikTok is a platform where young white girls stick out their middle fingers (a routine that was already tired when Avril Lavigne was doing it twenty years ago) while lip-synching “nigganigganigga” to rap lyrics.
Apparently, this has something to do with appearing as a “tuff grrrrl,” but in fact it’s almost certainly behavior that’s encouraged in the service of a secret Chinese plot to gather video in order to extort these women at some future point.
Sometime in 2026:
Vaguely Asian voice on the phone: “Hello, Abby…do you enjoy your job as district manager of the Forever 21 Encino branch?”
Abby: “Errmahgerd, who is this?”
Voice: “Just someone looking to help ensure that the 2021 TikTok video of you saying ‘nigga’ never reaches corporate HQ.”
In 2017, a Mahanoy City, Pennsylvania, high school bimbo named Brandi Levy became enraged when she didn’t make her school’s cheerleading squad. Later that day, after school, while stewing about the greatest slight in the history of humankind, Levy took to Snapchat to stick out her middle finger with the caption “Fuck school fuck softball fuck cheer fuck everything.”
The school administrators, seeing the post, suspended Levy from all cheerleading activities for a year. Apparently no one in Mahanoy City was bright enough to understand that there’s no such thing as a person named Levy who doesn’t have multiple lawyers.
Levy and her family sued, and the ACLU took the case straight to SCOTUS, which last week ruled that the school district was out of line in penalizing Levy for a post made off campus and after school hours (only Justice Thomas dissented, taking offense at the fact that Levy plagiarized the title of his favorite Suicide Silence song).
To celebrate the victory, the ACLU began selling “Fuck Everything” T-shirts on Twitter.
OMG, what rebels!
Except…just try saying “fuck transgenderism” or “fuck BLM” or “fuck George Floyd” or “fuck your pronouns.” As the ACLU’s resident Stalinist Chase Strangio has clearly stated, such speech must be banned.
Even the bimbos of TikTok possess a greater understanding of free speech than the idiots at the ACLU…and with far less hypocrisy.
Daily updates with TM’s latest