The Week’s Most Strobic, Microbic, and Xenophobic Headlines
RUSSIA DAMS THE BLACK SEA
“In Russia, sushi eats you!”
If a foreigner who knows nothing about the United States’ ethnic and racial makeup were to offer a guess based on the current crop of TV and online commercials, they’d likely state that America is 70% black, and the rest Asian and Latino. There are a few whites left, but they only exist in interracial relationships.
Ever since the George Floyd “racial wreckoning,” corporate advertising hacks have made sure that there’s a black person in every commercial produced (“We eat Cap’n Crunch because he reminds us of the guy who brought our ancestors over from Africa!”). This fad has gotten a bit apartheidy of late, with Amazon Studios mandating that 40% of all actors in its productions must be black or otherwise nonwhite.
With blacks at just 12% of the population, 40% seems a stretch. It means a lot of black actors pulling triple duty, and a lot of white ones on unemployment.
Apparently, certain people in Russia have noticed how easily a majority population can be relegated to minority status in media content. So last week, when Russian sushi chain Yobidoyobi decided to “Amazon up” its ad campaigns, the reaction was not exactly positive. The sushi giant ran a print advertisement depicting three very Russian-looking young ladies feeding sushi to a beaming black dude, and another in which the dude was shirtless, holding sashimi and sticking his tongue out at it (apparently, some blacks are shaky on how to actually eat sushi).
In a matter of days, the company was flooded with angry, threatening emails from Russian nationalists and other concerned citizens. The online mob found the Instagram accounts of the models in the ads and began harassing them. On top of that, trolls flooded restaurant review sites with negative ratings featuring dire warnings of food poisoning (“avoid Yobidoyobi: it’ll give you a bad case of the trotskys”).
As this is Russia and not the U.S., the sushi chain backed down immediately, stating on Instagram, “On behalf of the entire company, we want to apologize for offending the public with our photos. We have removed all content that caused this hype.” On Vkontakte (a kind of Russian Facebook), Yobidoyobi apologized “to the nation” for having “hurt the Russian people.”
Meanwhile, in the U.S., the latest Cheez-It commercial was released, featuring twelve black men in bed with a white woman as a transgender Asian dives under the covers while being fellated by an autistic Hispanic as Morgan Freeman’s offscreen voice reads a passage from Soul on Ice.
Because in advertising it’s all about highlighting the product.
While the Yobidoyobi debacledoyebacle might seem an over-the-top reaction to just two print ads, weep not for the black actor whose image proved so toxic. He’s already been signed to an Amazon Studios autobiographical film: 12 Years a Slav.
NO BLACKING IN BEIJING
Mind you, it’s not just our Russian friends who are proving less than “black-friendly.” Over in that place still optimistically called “Hong Kong,” the South China Morning Post, displaying what small amount of independence it still has as the CCP continues to seek full state ownership, ran an op-ed slamming the Chinese for anti-African racism.
The piece was written by Mwansa Chalwe, who is described as a “Zambian chartered accountant,” which sounds about as incongruous as “Eskimo bikini salesman” or “Pygmy basketball scout.”
“Yes, Mr. Mbungo, your Ebola valuation takes into account the liquidity of your lesions. And while you can’t leverage the equity in your HIV infection due to T-cell depreciation, you’ve accrued a great deal of interest from your 401(k) (i.e.. the four-hundred-and-one-thousand tsetse flies on your body).”
In his op-ed, Chalwe skewers the Chinese for the Covid-inspired mistreatment of the 16,000 African students living in Guangzhou. The dastardly deeds committed by the Chinese government against those who are “enliching” the city include forced quarantine, exclusion from public places, and—worst of all—the use of Covid screenings to search for and deport Africans who’d overstayed their visas.
Chalwe also takes the CCP to task for “exploiting” African nations via “unequal” trade agreements and partnerships with corrupt African leaders that lead to the raping of Africa’s natural resources.
In communist China, Nanking rapes you!
In fact, speaking of Nanking (a.k.a. Nanjing), many Africans have never quite forgotten about the 1988 Nanjing race riots, which occurred following a scuffle at a local dance party (pretty much the ground zero of every black brawl everywhere). To hear the local Chinese tell it, a bunch of African students showed up at the dance with weapons and began beating the locals. To hear the Africans tell it, they’d just dropped by to git down to that hip-hop guqin band Boys II Tiananmen, when the locals began pelting them with insults and dumplings.
Whatever the actual origin, by the next day rumors had spread that one of the African princes had defiled a Chinese girl, and about 8,000 locals marched on the dorms housing the black students and Jackie Chan’d them until they fled to a junkyard and Sanford and Son’d it back to Africa.
As a recent MSNBC piece pointed out, blackface is still a widely used comedic trope in Chinese media, and paranoia about African men impregnating Chinese women has led to the general isolation of African students.
Yet even with that history, China was still able to bully and silence the Biden administration back in March when Secretary of State Blinken attempted to gently prod Beijing on its genocide of the Uighurs. Chinese diplomats shot back that the U.S. has no right to lecture others because of its legacy of slavery and its continuing “genocide” against blacks.
So it looks like Zambia’s “chartered accountants” are very much on their own in the battle to be freed from Chinese racism and exploitation.
Balance sheet? More like “balance sheeeit.”
WILFORD BRIMLEY FOR “DIE-A-FETUS”
The year was 1986. April 23, to be exact. All of America was rockin’ out to the No. 1 hit single “Kiss,” by a wacky fella named Prince who sang with the justified confidence of a man who had exactly thirty more years to live until he’d ingest one fentanyl too many. The top dance track was “Whenever You Need Somebody” by O’Chi Brown, who danced with the unjustified confidence of a woman who sincerely believed that people would still remember her name a month later. And over in Missouri, the General Assembly passed House Bill 1596, signed into law by Gov. John Ashcroft. The bill challenged certain “givens” about Roe v. Wade regarding the use of state funding and facilities to promote and perform abortions.
And in 1989 the Supreme Court upheld most of that law. For the first time, there was a chink in Roe, or “Loe” as the chink called it, and the nation went abortion-mad, with liberals making the issue their supreme litmus test and conservatives across the country attempting to pass copycat laws.
Well, folks, grab your power suits and shoulder pads, and somebody call O’Chi Brown (if she’s still breathin’), because it’s April 1986 all over again!
Last week the Supreme Court refused to issue an emergency stay of a Texas law that bans abortions after six weeks. The law also creates an informal commission of citizen squealers who can earn as much as $10,000 for grassing on anyone seeking to filet a fetus after the sixth week.
And just like that, leftists who’ve spent the year screaming about how “the government has the right to inject you with whatever it wants” rediscovered the simple joy of “my body my choice,” and conservatives who’ve spent the year attacking “mask Karens” rediscovered the simple joy of snitches and informers.
The abortion issue does that to people; it’s a carnival mirror that makes you look like your evil twin.
The court’s three leftist justices joined with bottom-feeding invertebrate John Roberts to oppose the refusal to grant the stay, with wise Latina Sonia Sotomayor issuing a dissent that read, “¡Ay yi yi Dios mio no es bueno mami papi maldita!” (it’s the most coherent thing she’s ever written). On the right, the prospect of finally overturning Roe gave 73-year-old Justice Thomas a physical reaction that three years on Cialis had failed to engender.
At the White House, Joe Biden’s staff instructed the lapdog media to never bring up that in 1982 then Senator Biden had voted for a constitutional amendment overturning Roe. Overhearing his staff’s directives, the president angrily demanded to know who this “Senator Biden” is and if he might pose a primary threat in 2024. Biden’s staff responded by politely reminding the president that once again he’d forgotten to wear pants.
Lost in all the hubbub was the fact that SCOTUS didn’t actually rule on the Texas law, and the conservative majority made it clear that the full court will be deciding the constitutionality of it soon enough.
So get ready for abortion to once again take center stage in American political life, as the entire country goes retro while the fate of Roe hangs in the balance.
If they were smart, rightists would quiz incoming Afghan refugees on how they’d vote if abortion legality becomes a matter of state-by-state balloting. Maybe if enough of the religious zealot “refugees” indicate their support for outlawing the procedure, Democrats might just close the asylum floodgates for good.
THE BREAST OF TIMES IS NOW
Poor Lisa Yoakam, an innocent soul who never harmed nobody. All she ever did was conspire with her half sister to murder the half sister’s ex-husband.
As if that’s a crime.
Oh, and Lisa Yoakam and her half sister actually carried out the murder they conspired to commit. But again, was that really a crime, or a testament to the women’s integrity? In this day and age of broken promises and irresponsibility, shouldn’t society laud those who pledge to do something and then follow through on it with diligence and dogged perseverance?
Sadly, no. So there was poor Lisa Yoakam, sentenced to twenty years simply for being dependable.
Once in prison, Yoakam, saddled with a lot of contemplation time, had an epiphany: If her life had not exactly worked out as planned, if she was not the successful captain of industry she’d once set out to be, there was a culprit, a malefactor, a reason for her misfortune.
Well, to be exact, there were two culprits: her boobs.
While serving her time in a Virginia pen, Yoakam realized that she was actually a man, albeit one in a woman’s body. If only she could somehow erase those two bulbous, fleshy chest headlights of shame, she could finally live her best Yoakam, and maybe one day cure cancer, or plan a Mars mission, or at least stop killing people.
So Lisa Yoakam changed her name to Jason Yoakam and sued the state for not cutting off her breasts.
After all, what kind of fascist nation is this where women’s breasts aren’t chopped off by the government? What are we, Afghanistan?
Virginia prison officials, initially hesitant to use taxpayer money to remove healthy organs because a woman decided she was having a bad pair day, offered Yoakam chest binders, so that she might nonsurgically smoosh her tatas into tortillas.
But according to The Washington Free Beacon,
The binder, which Yoakam wears at all times and “sometimes is so tight that it cuts into Mr. (sic) Yoakam’s skin and causes him (sic) to bleed,” has left her with “scars, rashes, and acne” as well as “infections,” which is why Yoakam is pursuing the surgery, according to the complaint.
Well, who the heck could’ve guessed that trying to guillotine your gazongas would lead to physical harm?
In her lawsuit, Yoakam seeks to compel the state to surgically turn her mountain range into a prairie. Unfortunately for her, she’s scheduled to be released next year, so she’ll likely be out of the custody of the department of corrections before her case even gets to trial.
Don’t you just hate it when you kill a guy and the state frees you before you can force taxpayers to jettison your jugs?
A story as old as the mountains…and the molehills.
GOLDEN SHOWER STATE
Water water everywhere and not a sop who thinks.
Leftists on both coasts are having problems at the moment with H2O, be it a surfeit, or a deficit.
In NYC, Mother Nature has finally taken care of the black-on-Asian violence problem (and, for that matter, black-on-Jew, black-on-elderly, and black-on-everyone-else violence problem) by flooding the streets and subway tunnels with water from torrential rains courtesy of the tail end of Hurricane Ida.
Now that swimming skills are a prerequisite for street or train travel, black folks are staying home.
There’s been talk in Harlem of constructing a seafaring vessel that could be used for random muggings until the floodwaters subside (Afroah’s Ark), but the de Blasio administration has yet to give the project the go-ahead.
To be fair, de Blasio has approved the construction of a vessel to allow pimps to keep their streetwalkers safe and dry (Hoah’s Ark).
On the opposite coast, in sunny California, the state is experiencing what its leftist Chicken Littles are calling a “drought,” but what in reality is simply a very dry year. 2017, 2018, and 2019 brought record rainfall to the state. 2020 was an average year, and 2021 has been dry. So of course rather than viewing the situation in context (some years are wet, others dry), CA Democrats have declared that water will never return to the state and all are doomed.
Sacramento has mandated that fresh water be reserved for only the highest-priority uses, which are (in order) irrigating marijuana crops, styling Gavin Newsom’s hair, and hosing down Mo’Nique when she overheats after climbing her front steps.
Turns out the rationing didn’t have to become a necessity. As pointed out by news station KTLA last week, in 2014 Cali voters approved a $7.5 billion bond measure that was supposed to have gone toward building more reservoirs. And had the money actually been used for that, enough water could’ve been stockpiled from the massive rains of 2017–2019 to easily cover the current dry spell.
But no, state leftists refused to use the money for its intended purpose, in part due to environmentalist hysteria (“like, bummer, man—building a new reservoir will totally disrupt the natural habitat of the Visalia yellow-assed butterfly”), and in part due to “global warming” alarmists who count on drought fears to further their political agenda.
So, no new reservoirs, and the state is now imposing draconian regulations on personal water use.
And that $7.5 billion? No word on where it went, but rumor has it that Nancy Pelosi bought another ten freezers full of chocolate ice cream, and Gavin Newsom was able to purchase a separate mansion just for his excess hair gel bottles.