January 30, 2022
The Week’s Most Galling, Appalling, and Stonewalling Headlines
It’s easy to imagine Anne Frank sitting beside Emmett Till in the great beyond, yelling down at the living, “Can’t you morons please let us rest in peace?”
Ah, but what’s the point of murdered teenagers if you can’t turn them into an industry? Teens are lazy and work-shy enough when they’re alive; the dead ones who refuse to earn their keep are even worse.
Fortunately, that’s not a problem for either Frank or Till, the most profitable dead teens since Ritchie Valens. And last week was Frank’s time to shine.
While speaking at an anti-vax mandate rally in D.C., Robert F. Kennedy Jr. declared that Anne Frank had it better than unvaxxed Americans:
Even in Hitler’s Germany, you could cross the Alps into Switzerland, you could hide in the attic like Anne Frank did. Mechanisms are being put in place so that none of us can run and none of us can hide.
Anne Frank lived in the Netherlands, not Germany, but what’s a minor detail like that to a Kennedy heir who seems to be trying to outdo JFK Jr. in the “fatal nosedive” competition?
The Auschwitz Museum denounced RFK 2.0’s comments in a press release, which ended with a plug for the museum’s new Anne Frank Escape Room Adventure: Figure out the coded diary and unlock the secret annex before poison gas fills the room!
Meanwhile, a new book, The Betrayal of Anne Frank, claims to have solved the whodunit regarding the identity of the person who betrayed the Frank family to the Nazis. According to the author, a Jewish notary ratted them out, apparently because Anne wouldn’t let him stamp her diary.
The New York Times condemned the book, because surely no Jew would’ve ever betrayed another Jew during the Holocaust.
Cut to George Soros nervously looking around, eyes darting from side to side, saying, “Yeah, sure, that’s right, see? Jews never betrayed Jews during the Holocaust, see? And don’t you forget it, see?”
MEAT(HEADS) AND POTATOES
There are two types of people: those who like Neil Young’s music and those with good hearing.
Last week, the whiny relic penned an open letter to Spotify demanding that the streamer stop carrying the Joe Rogan podcast. Young threatened to remove his music from the service if his demands weren’t met. According to the jowly has-been, the Rogan podcast (Spotify’s most successful show) is “spreading fake information about vaccines.”
“Please act on this immediately today and keep me informed of the time schedule,” Young dictated to his secretary (a hamster) before storming off into a broom closet and angrily remarking, “This isn’t Massey Hall!”
The irony about Young’s “protest” is that Young himself has a history of spreading medical disinfo. In the 1980s, he went on a bizarre crusade against gays working in public places, because he thought you could get AIDS by touching something a gay person had touched.
“You go to the supermarket and you see a faggot behind the fucking cash register, you don’t want him to handle your potatoes.”
That’s an actual quote.
This summer I hear the drumming,
I’m dead from a poe-tay-toe.
Young was also a booster of Charles Manson, recommending the cult leader to music-industry execs. He even bought the dude a motorcycle! Manson called Young the only person who ever truly believed in him.
So, Neil Young championed Charles Manson and thought you could get AIDS from a potato that’d been “touched by a faggot.”
By all means, trust this guy’s instincts.
And while Spotify responded to Young’s threat by acting like he doesn’t exist (which everyone else had been doing anyway), that surely won’t slow the man’s golden-years activism.
Next stop: his local supermarket. “Get rid of your AIDS potatoes or I won’t let you play my songs on the Muzak.”
ART IMITATES STRIFE
In their quest to make New York even less livable, two state senators, Brad Hoylman and Jamaal Bailey, have proposed a new law that would prevent the use of rap lyrics as evidence against rappers who boast about their crimes in song.
The law would bar prosecutors from bringing up a rapper’s admission of guilt, as long as said admission had been uttered as part of the accused’s “art.”
“The right to free speech is enshrined in our federal and state constitutions,” Bailey told the press. “The admission of art as criminal evidence only serves to erode this fundamental right.”
The idea that a confession can’t be used in court as long as it’s delivered as “art” opens up a whole new opportunity for fellowship between blacks and Jews. Black criminals can hire Jewish gag-writers to teach them how to deliver confessions as a comedy monologue, thus making them inadmissible under the new law.
Suspect: “There’s a joke about a guy named DeMarquis who robbed a bodega at Washington and 178th. Didja hear it?”
Suspect: “Well, that cashier I shot in the face certainly did!”
Suspect: “You know why I punched that Chink woman at Tremont station?”
Suspect: “She asked me for some kung-POW!”
Suspect: “Hey, here’s a hilarious one! I looted an entire Walmart. Cleaned the place out!”
Detective: “I don’t find that funny.”
Suspect: “I guess it loses something in the retailing.”
Suspect: “Yo, how many dead UberEats drivers do it take to change a light bulb?”
Detective: “I have no idea.”
Suspect: “Definitely not three…found that out last night!”
WHAT XI REALLY WANTS TO DO IS DIRECT
Last week, Chinese basketball fans pelted black player Sonny Weems (who plays for the Guangdong Southern Tigers) with racial insults (Weems, to his credit, resisted the urge to shout back, “Hey, with me on the team it’s the LONGdong Southern Tigers”).
If the Chinese get that worked up about a black basketball player, one can imagine how they feel about the fact that Hollywood these days only seems interested in churning out films with black leads.
As a result, the CCP is rereleasing older American hits, but the problem is that a lot of those films are from a time when movies could at least pretend to be somewhat anarchic and not single-mindedly obsessed with social justice.
The Chinese, ever practical, have decided that the best way to deal with “problematic” American films is to reedit them so that they have pro-authoritarian endings.
Canny film buffs discovered last week that David Fincher’s Fight Club was reedited by Chinese censors so that Tyler Durden’s terrorist attack is thwarted and he’s taken to a gulag.
Funny as that may seem, in 1955 CBS forced Alfred Hitchcock to do the same thing with Alfred Hitchcock Presents. Hitch’s stories often involved the bad guy getting away. The network let the stories be shot as written, but then Hitch would have to appear at the end to reassure the audience that the villains were eventually caught. In the show’s adaptation of Roald Dahl’s short story “Lamb to the Slaughter,” in which a wife bludgeons her husband with a leg of lamb and then serves it to the investigating officers so that they eat the murder weapon, the network made Hitch add a coda where he said, “But soon enough the detectives realized what happened and arrested the widow.”
1955. So the Chinese are only 67 years behind us. Yet, as Hollywood’s most coveted audience, perhaps it’s time for filmmakers to go back to those good old days and start producing the kind of antiseptic content the CCP can be at peace with.
Like, remake Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner.
But lose the black guy.
WILD BLACK YONDER
Last week it was revealed that the U.S. Air Force repeatedly reinstated a female airwoman after she quit time and again during training. The sista was being groomed to be the first female to make it through the USAF’s elite special tactics officer training, but the trainee turned out to be “special” in all the wrong ways. During a land navigation event, she “self-eliminated” (that’s military jargon for “quit”; it’s also Secret Service jargon for why Biden needs a new pair of pants ASAP). The black trainee also quit twice during “water confidence sessions” in a swimming pool and there’s no joke that can be written here that’s any better than the one you just thought of yourself.
It was also revealed that the woman was only in the elite program in the first place because training standards had been lowered just for her.
Normally when a trainee quits they’re removed from the program. The trainee in question, Morgan Mosby, quit thrice, and leadership kept bringing her back, whether she wanted to return or not. Because today the medals aren’t for skill, bravery, or service but affirmative action, social justice, and reading Ibram X. Kendi books. And graduating a black female special tactics officer would earn Air Force brass the coveted “Kamala Cackle,” the highest honor that can be bestowed upon career military pencil-pushers.
Initially, USAF Lieutenant General James Slife praised Mosby and condemned the airman who leaked the story of her preferential treatment. But now that the press, and the GOP, are on the case, Slife is promising an investigation.
Funny enough, none of the media accounts mention Mosby’s race, and the USAF has removed her profile with her photo. That’s counterproductive. Stress that she’s black and the GOP will back off, lest they risk losing Baltimore in the next election.
As for Mosby, she’s blaming the entire thing on men who are “out to get her,” suggesting that she’s far more suited to a career in politics than the military.