The Week That Perished

The Week’s Most Degrading, Upbraiding, and Ukraine-Invading Headlines

WAG THE DOG-EARED
In a 2004 episode of The Wire, drug kingpin and would-be legitimate businessman Stringer Bell gets “rainmade” by shifty city hall power broker Clay Davis. Bell had bribed Davis for the approval of contracts that never came through.

As Bell’s shyster Levy explains, “He rainmade you. A guy says if you pay him, he can make it rain. If and when it rains, he takes the credit. If and when it doesn’t, he finds reasons for you to pay him more.”

“Rainmaking” is a good grift; it’s also the best way to make an elderly dementia patient appear to be conducting foreign policy in his sleep (in the literal sense of that term).

Last week the NY Times ran a Biden PR piece explaining why President Snoozevelt is so alarmist about the “upcoming” Russian invasion of Ukraine: He hopes the alarmism will scare the Russkies from invading.

Nice rainmaking there, Ron Klain! If the Russians don’t invade, Biden takes credit for frightening them away. If they do, he takes credit for warning the world. It’s win-win, and he never even had to wake up.

Well, two can rainmake that game. The Week That Perished is alarmed to announce the imminent invasion of the U.S. by the island nation of Nauru. The first wave will involve special ops, who’ll confuse our dogs by pretending to throw a stick without actually throwing it. Wave 2, the “shock troops,” will stand on street corners next to the walk sign as if they’ve pushed the button. But they won’t, and everyone will have to run really fast when the light changes.

The final wave, the grunts, will cruise McDonald’s drive-throughs and ask about every single menu item until there’s a line stretching two blocks.

With America’s pedestrians winded, our fast-food aficionados emaciated, and our dogs deeply disillusioned, we’ll be presented with Nauru’s demands: a gift subscription to Netflix so the islanders can finally have something to watch on the nation’s only TV set.

This will happen next week. And if it doesn’t, you know who to thank!

“DIE BITCH” WITH A VENGEANCE
Last week Reuters ran a breathless piece detailing the “plague” of “terroristic notes” being received by school board members whose only crime is telling white kids they’re evil and should die.

Reuters quoted from a bunch of anonymous hate-notes that board members totally didn’t write themselves.

Because, of course, there’s no way to fake an anonymous threat. Unless you’re able to use a pen.

Just ask Kaliyeha Clark-Mabins, a black student at Southern Illinois University who’s pursuing a Ph.D. in “White People Want to Touch My Hair.” Clark-Mabins claimed to have found two handwritten notes affixed to her dorm-room door. One said “BLACK PEOPLE DON’T BELONG,” the other “DIE BITCH.”

The latter is also the name of a critically lauded German film about a female dog.

In response to the Nazi notes, the university called in the feds (Clark-Mabins might’ve been too wrapped up in writing her term paper “Polly IS a Cracker: The Racist Microaggressions of Parrots” to remember that these days the FBI will assign thirty agents to a piece of Silly String if a black person claims it looks like a noose).

Clark-Mabins told the feds that the notes were the work of two white students, Amanda Jerome and Jimmi Thull. No word on why Clark-Mabins fingered those two, but it’s almost certainly because she knew they secretly wanted to touch her hair.

The university’s Black Student Union held marches calling for Jerome and Thull’s expulsion, and a Change.org petition demanding the whiteys’ immediate removal garnered over 1,800 signatures.

“There’s no way to fake an anonymous threat. Unless you’re able to use a pen.”

But then it turned out that Clark-Mabins wrote the notes herself.

Didn’t see that coming, huh?

And now she’s been criminally charged.

Perhaps she’ll be able to lecture her cellmate on microaggressions.

HARVEY DENT BECOMES HARVEY GET-BENT
Last November, Thai fashion model Bew Jirajariyawetch was savagely beaten to the point of disfigurement in a random NYC subway attack. Last week, a suspect was arrested—a black gentleman with 44 priors.

Bew Jirajariyawetch’s attorney, who sadly is not named Jew Birajariyawetch because that would’ve been funny, slammed Manhattan’s soft-on-crime Soros-funded DA Alvin Bragg for refusing to keep hardened felons behind bars.

This was followed by last week’s brutal slaying of Christina Lee by yet another NYC black career thug who followed the young Asian into her apartment and stabbed her to death.

No word on how many priors that guy has, but Bragg put his money on 58 in the office pool.

In response to the daily epidemic of murders and assaults by black criminals with lengthy rap sheets, New York’s mayor Eric Adams, who ran on a “tough on crime” platform, has decided to switch to the far easier platform of “tough on white.” Adams held a presser in which he lambasted “white reporters and editors” for writing through a “white prism” that distorted their view of the city’s crime rate.

“I’m a black man that’s the mayor, but my story is being interpreted by people who don’t look like me,” Adams declared.

Well, thanks to the city’s crime policies, Bew Jirajariyawetch doesn’t look like anyone, except maybe the Elephant Man. So if reporters can only cover stories about people they look like, dig up Joseph Merrick and give him a metro beat at the Times (even 130 years dead, he’d still be a better reporter than anyone else on staff).

Adams threatened to stop talking to white reporters if they didn’t stop being so white.

And with that, the illusion that Adams was serious about fighting crime dissolved, as the city’s thugs danced in the streets like Ewoks, and the Force ghosts of David Dinkins, Al Sharpton’s liposucked blubber, and Tawana Brawley’s nonexistent rapist grinned with pride.

HALF-BAKED BREAD
In 1933, FDR signed Executive Order 6102, which required Americans to turn in their gold. The government, the polio’d privateer explained, needed all the gold (his slogan “Where the gold at? I want the gold, give me the gold” has inspired generations of leprechaun hunters). Americans were hoarding, see? And as a result, rail-riding hobos couldn’t afford sacks for their sticks and Dust Bowl farmers couldn’t buy N95s.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez fancies herself a modern-day FDR. And indeed she is, if you take away Roosevelt’s intelligence, cunning, communication skills, and comprehension of cause and effect.

But yes, AOC is exactly like FDR, if one limits the scope of FDR’s life to the five minutes on April 12, 1945, when, following his massive cerebral hemorrhage, he retained a pulse but had no brain activity.

At that moment, FDR was just like AOC.

AOC wants to be the FDR of bread. In her worldview, all crime is caused by nonwhites trying to “find bread for their family.” Yes, looters might look like they’re sacking Nike retailers, but it’s only because we live in an age of bread-hoarders, so those loaves of rye, sourdough, and focaccia might be anywhere.

“Man, I stole me fifteen Adidases today, and not one baguette in the boxes.”

“Tell me about it, brother. That old lady I mugged didn’t even have no English muffins in her purse.”

Last week, AOC was at it again, telling reporters that the current nationwide surge in crime is due not to DAs refusing to prosecute hardcore criminals, but rather the expiration of the child tax credit, which is forcing nonwhites to steal…

Thought she was gonna say bread? Ha! Wrong, sucker. Now it’s baby formula.

“The child tax credit just ran out, on December 31st, and now people are stealing baby formula,” EEG-flatline FDR told the press.

Of course, there’s no evidence of anyone stealing baby formula, any more than there was of people stealing bread. Nevertheless, AOC should go full FDR and propose an executive order that will nationalize the Paneras and force whites to turn in their Gerbers, so that thugs won’t have to steal tires or flat-screens to get the bread and mush they need to survive.

It’s AOC’s New Meal.

BLACK LIVES RAT-A-TAT-TATTER
Quintez Brown is Louisville’s “Mr. BLM.” The 21-year-old student at the University of Louisville personifies the organization in his hometown. But, as Sid Vicious might say, he’s had his fill, his share of looting. Yes, Quintez Brown decided to mature as an activist. No more smash-and-grabs, no more arson.

Quintez Brown was goin’ legit.

Time to run for office!

After all, in the past two years, Brown’s campaigned alongside local politicians who sought the BLM vote in this 24% black city. Brown was also a columnist for The Courier Journal, where, one can assume, he penned many a piece about white folks touching his hair.

Brown’s Twitter profile summed up his platform: “We have one scientific and correct solution, Pan-Africanism: the total liberation and unification of Africa under scientific socialism.”

“Scientific socialism” is as oxymoronic as “peaceful BLM activist.”

As Quintez Brown proved last week.

After filing his papers to run for city council, he learned that a white man—a dirty Jew, no less—was running for mayor.

It was the greatest outrage since Tuskegee Experimental Airman Emmett Till caught syphilAIDS from George Wallace (the comedian, not the governor).

So Quintez Brown decided to settle the election BLM-style. He loaded his gun, stormed into the office of Hebraic usurper Craig Greenberg, and emptied the weapon.

Not a single bullet hit anything but wall.

Although Brown was swiftly arrested, he’ll be receiving a special award at next month’s Oscars for his race-reversal Pulp Fiction “point-blank hand-cannon” reboot.

Even when he misses, Quintez Brown’s a hit!



Columnists

Sign Up to Receive Our Latest Updates!

SIGN UP

Daily updates with TM’s latest