The Week That Perished

The Week’s Most Spaying, Swaying, and Mother’s Daying Headlines

WORDS ARE VIOLENCE! (SO IS VIOLENCE)
America’s trannies rank among the greatest inventors of our time. True innovators, like George Washington Self-Carver, Androgene Polley, and Pedophilo Farnsworth.

Look at all the genders they invent on a daily basis. And the pronouns! Zir, zher, xem, xyr, moop, joop, and meep (correction: Those last three are Dutch months).

Two weeks ago, a tranny fashion designer presented its newest creation: “pressure underwear” for little boys that flatten their genitals (the Chinese saw this and said, “Holy clap, even our foot bindings ain’t that sadistic”).

And now trannies have revealed their greatest discovery of all: Actual violence is more violent than word violence. Yes, words might equal violence, but violence equals violence even more.

Last week, as Dave Chappelle was wrapping his set at the Hollywood Bowl, trans activist Isaiah Lee decided to test his discovery that knives are more dangerous than words, as he rushed the comic brandishing a deadly nonverbal weapon.

Sadly, like so many visionary inventors throughout history, Lee went unappreciated, as Chappelle and his bodyguards left the dysmorphic duelist looking like a ventriloquist’s dummy with the strings cut.

As Lee was being mulched off stage, Chappelle joked to the crowd that the attacker was a “trans man.” Immediately, the usual suspects slammed Chappelle for “transphobia,” even as it came out that indeed Lee is a tranny activist, which anyone who doesn’t work at CNN or MSNBC could’ve foreseen.

Rolling Stone tried to excuse Lee’s defeat at Stabomattox by explaining that the poor guy’s “mentally ill.”

Ah, so now we can admit the truth about trannies?

Because that’s one “discovery” all normal people made years ago.

SITUATIONAL PREGNANCIES
Following the SCOTUS leak of an early draft of a majority decision that would overturn Roe v. Wade, the left found itself in its worst tizzy since Bubba Wallace saw a string.

The left’s reaction to the SCOTUS leak revealed an important if previously unexplored aspect of human pregnancies: They’re situational. Last year, the AP revised its stylebook to instruct its writers that the term “pregnant woman” is “non-inclusive” because it ignores “pregnant men.” Scribes were ordered to only use “pregnant people,” “pregnant individuals,” and “those who are pregnant.”

But now the AP has run into a problem: With Roe on the line, the left wants to present abortion as a women’s issue and only a women’s issue.

As the intolerant transphobe Gavin Newsom told a crowd of pro-choicers last week, “If men could get pregnant, this wouldn’t even be a conversation.”

But…men can get pregnant, right?

Not so fast, hate-criminal! The AP is here to dispel your confusion. The stylebook was updated yet again, this time instructing reporters to never dare say “men can get pregnant” in relation to abortion.

When it comes to other situations, yes, men can get pregnant. But when it comes to news stories about abortion, no, men cannot get pregnant.

Got it?

If that doesn’t make sense to you, it’s because you lack a master’s in Matlatzinca/Ocuiltec Gender-Fluid Haiku Labor Movement Pamphleteering in Fifth-Century Chapultenango. Your degreed superiors in Journalism Inc. understand that uttering the word “abortion” erases male pregnancy, while the word “healthcare” brings it back.

Trust the science (fiction), you rubes.

THE APPLE iHOMES
The black slang “homeboy” (or “homes” or “homey”) is said to have originated as an affectionate term for your “boy” who resides in your hometown. But apparently that’s just a racist myth. Because according to a coalition of Apple employees, blacks call each other “homes” in honor of the place from which they’re too scared to venture.

Yes, it’s now “white supremacy” to expect a black person to go outside.

“Yes, words might equal violence, but violence equals violence even more.”

Last week, Apple CEO Tim Cook announced that, to mark the official end of pandemic procedures, employees would have to start returning to the office a minimum of one day a week, increasing to three days by mid-May.

That didn’t sit well with “Apple Together,” a collective of about 200 company homebodies who served Cook with an open letter demanding that work-at-home continue indefinitely, because in-person employment is “racist.” And sexist, too. And ableist. As the letter states, forcing workers to leave their homes will make Apple “whiter, more male-dominated, more neuro-normative and more able-bodied.”

To be fair, maybe the “neuro-abnormative” should stay home. As anyone who lives in San Francisco knows, “neuro-abnormatives” have an unfortunate habit of public urination, poo-flinging, and the occasional stab attack.

But regarding the “non-able-bodied,” state and local governments have spent trillions of dollars in Americans with Disabilities Act compliance to make every square inch of the outside world safe for even the most spastic of cripples. Wheelchair ramps, walk/don’t walk signs that shriek, dwarf drinking fountains, all the best parking spots, and the biggest public toilets. So many accommodations. And now the disabled tell us we’re being “ableist” for expecting them to venture outside?

Coulda mentioned that before we spent the money, Shortbus.

Also, where was that black reclusiveness in summer 2020? If you can leave your home to burn down a city, you can do so to earn a paycheck.

Twitter and Facebook have already buckled to the demands of the hermits, and Apple is likely to follow. Welcome to 2022, when the definition of workforce inclusivity is home isolation.

You know you’re knee-deep in irony when the slave laborers who make your electronics have a more active social life than your white-collar workers.

OFFENDING THE OFFENDERS
A cornerstone principle of Soros-style criminal justice “reform” is that prisons must never be used for punishment but only “rehabilitation.” Just as a stranger is merely a friend you haven’t met, a rapist-murderer is merely an upstanding citizen who hasn’t yet attended the right group-therapy session.

In the U.S., there’s no such thing as “irredeemable.” Recidivism is caused not by inborn criminality but by prisons that don’t nurture enough. That dude who got busted for his twelfth rape just needs one more go-round with the fidget toys, conversation cubes, and bobo dolls.

Still, things haven’t gotten as bad here as they have in the U.K., where, to show how much ’Er Majesty’s Bleedin’ Government cares about its killers, rapists, and molesters, prison officials have been told to treat inmates as though they’re on a right bloody ’oliday.

British prison guards and administrators have been ordered to call their charges “clients,” “guests,” and “residents,” who live not in cells but in “rooms.” Those released from incarceration are not called “convicts” but “prison leavers” and “community resettlers.”

Some prisons have even installed phones in the cells (sorry, “suites”) so inmates can stay up all night chatting with each other about the new Harry Styles album and how much they’d love to meet him, get an autograph, murder him, brutalize his corpse, and wear his face like a do-rag.

Last week, a group of British politicians led by Justice Secretary Dominic Raab officially called for an end to the “woke” coddling language being used in the British penal system. Raab and the others plan to draft a new style guide mandating a return to the old days of “prisoners” and “cells.”

Also, prison rape will no longer be referred to as a “Sore-shank Redemption,” a “Brown Mile,” or a “Londonderry Airing.”

Hopefully, the new terminology will keep the nicks from being pricks and the nonces from feeling like ponces.

AUSCHWITZ-JERKENAU
Speaking of Brits, Denis Avey had a most unremarkable WWII career as a British soldier. Captured by Germans while trying to flee to Greece on a floating crate, he spent the war in a POW camp. Yet in 2001, Avey suddenly “remembered” that he’d escaped his Nazi POW camp and infiltrated Auschwitz-Birkenau, where he saved Jews and witnessed the horrors of the gas chambers.

After recovering the memory, Avey was like, “So that’s why I’ve had that string tied around me finger for the last 58 years!”

Naturally, he became a national hero, and a rich one at that, with newspaper interviews, a BBC special, and a best-selling book, The Man Who Broke Into Auschwitz.

Turns out the only thing Avey ever broke was wind.

As reported in The Guardian last week, Avey’s story should’ve been rated B for “bollocks.” Yes, he was a POW. No, he never infiltrated Auschwitz. Piotr Setkiewicz, head of research at the Auschwitz-Birkenau Memorial Museum, told Reuters that even though the Auschwitz part of Avey’s story is fake, the other parts—like him being named Denis—are true. “Perhaps 80 or 90% of what Mr. Avey says is true, but the problem is that Holocaust deniers have this wonderful habit of fixing on every single thing which is obviously not true.”

Sorry, Stosh, but in Avey’s case the 10 or 20% fake part is the entire story. Like how humans may differ genetically from chimps by just 1.2% DNA, but it’s a really important 1.2%.

Along with lying about marching under the “Arbeit Macht Frei” wrought-iron gate, which Avey likely saw in a documentary without understanding that the gate wasn’t at Birkenau but Auschwitz-Stammlager, there were other dead giveaways that his tall tale was influenced by his postwar viewing habits. The commandant of Auschwitz was not Benny Hill, inmates didn’t get shaved so he could slap their bald heads, and the death marches weren’t conducted in fast motion to “Yakety Sax.”

Those details should’ve set off red flags years ago.

According to The Guardian, Avey’s publishers plan to keep the book in print, but with “qualifying notes” added to future editions. The publishers didn’t divulge the text of those notes, but a good start would be “What yer about to read is total bullshite, ya prat.”



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