January 27, 2019

Source: Wikimedia Commons

The Week’s Most Conceited, Defeated, and Maltreated Headlines

If your personal struggle to achieve social justice doesn’t extend beyond the human sphere to include all of the wondrous creatures shat out by the rainbow-colored pudendum of the Goddess, we only hope you are eaten alive by a lesbian great white shark.

Actually, scratch that—we hope you get eaten alive by a lesbian great black shark.

In the latest horrifying and problematic example that even though this is the current year, many people don’t realize that animals are people, too, the Monterey Bay Aquarium foisted the following hate-tweet upon the world:

Abby is a thicc girl. What an absolute unit. She c h o n k.

The “Abby” in question is a 46-pound adult female otter who allegedly helps train orphaned baby otters in the skills they’ll need to survive before being released into the wild. The pseudo-words “thicc” and “chonk” are lifted from black vernacular and are both pseudonyms for “overweight.” Although aquarium officials insist that Abby is actually normal-sized, the picture we’ve seen suggests she’s been overindulging on the oysters and other shellfish.

From our vantage point, the most offensive thing about the tweet is the apparent attempt of workers at an aquarium in a town that is less than 3% black to appear “hip” and “cool” and “with it” by shamelessly appropriating black vernacular. We are almost certain that nobody black works there due to the documented fact that black people are terrified of large bodies of water.

However, this is not what enraged the eternally battered hearts of Twitter’s social-justice hordes. Instead, they were upset that aquarium officials attempted to “fat-shame” the otter, which is rather stupid since it assumes that the otter reads Twitter. They also acted concerned that officials were comparing black women to animals, apparently unworried that many otters might be offended by being compared to black women.

Pressured and shamed and psychologically destroyed by the backlash, aquarium officials pecked out a groveling apology:

If our tweet alienated you, please know that we are deeply sorry, and that we offer our sincerest apologies….In particular, several terms referenced originated from African American Vernacular English (AAVE) and specifically reference Black women’s bodies. Using them in a sea otter meme without that background makes insinuations we never intended. We need to do better.

We are reminded of Muhammad Ali’s famous reason for why he refused to fight in Vietnam: “No Viet Cong ever called me an otter.”

In 2003 Japan passed Law 111, which required anyone who wished to legally change their gender status to first be sterilized.

The Japanese Supreme Court recently upheld the law in a decision regarding an appeal by a certain Takakito Usui, a “transgender man”—which is shorthand for “a disturbed and sexually confused woman who insists she’s a man”—whose feelings were apparently hurt by a law designed to protect people such as Usui from humiliating herself by popping a baby out of her vagina while insisting she’s a man.

“We are reminded of Muhammad Ali’s famous reason for why he refused to fight in Vietnam: ‘No Viet Cong ever called me an otter.’”

According to a conservative Japanese politician named Mio Sugita, who is a biological female:

Support for LGBTs has gone too far….Will people agree to have their taxes used on LGBT couples? They cannot have children, so they are unproductive.

Good point, Mio-san. Personally, we don’t want our hard-earned taxes wasted on women who insist they’re men while they are projectile-shooting squalling infants out of their vaginas.

Allah, like all of the Abrahamic gods, is not very keen on fudge-packers. And as we all know, Allah is easily the angriest of the Abrahamic gods—so angry, we would suggest counseling before he has an aneurysm.

Since Egypt’s population is 85-90% Muslim, the country has very little tolerance for rump-wranglers.

Egyptian TV journalist Mohammed al-Gheiti has been an outspoken critic of homosexuality. Regardless, he has been sentenced to 12 months in jail merely for having the cojones to interview a gay man on his show.

If al-Gheiti has learned his lesson and is truly penitent, he will refrain from interviewing any gay men in jail.

Although Hulk Hogan and Peter Thiel body-slammed the social-justice witch-hunting website Gawker.com out of existence a few years ago, it was only a few weeks ago that Gawker 2.0 launched, only to crash in flames because its two female staffers thought a third female hire was a racist, sexist, homophobic bigot.

Last Wednesday, the site’s only two full-time writers—Maya Kosoff (who is intensely obese) and Anna Breslaw—who has kinky hair, a large nose, and an intensely self-satisfied smirk—tendered their resignations in protest of the fact that Carson Griffith—who is also fat but unforgivably blonde and Nordic-looking—is guilty of making “comments about everything from poor people to black writers to her acquaintance’s penis size.”

Her “offensive workplace comment” about poor people involved likening herself to a poor person for carrying around a snack in her pocket. She also insinuated that black writers like to write about being black. And she actually didn’t say anything about an acquaintance’s penis size—her friends insinuated she must have noticed the guy’s bulge because she once saw him in a swimsuit.

Good riddance to Gawker 2.0 and any further attempts to resurrect the toxic dodo bird that was the Gawker empire. It is supremely satisfying to see it commit suicide due to its own misguided pieties and sense of moral irreproachability.

Martina Big is a German woman who really should be called Martina Ginormous, seeing as her surgically enhanced breasts measure at a watermelon-sized 32S.

Not satisfied merely being a Grotesquely Deformed Breast Monster, she and her lover, a very fat man named Michael Eurwen, recently began receiving injections of a synthetic hormone called Melanotan. After only three jabs, the formerly white-as-snow Martina is now coal-black. The injections haven’t quite “taken” with her partner Michael, who remains lighter than a lunch bag.

Martina says that in March of last year she flew to Kenya to be baptized as a “true African woman.”

The self-hating couple recently appeared on a British TV show called This Morning to announce that a doctor told them that any babies they have will be born black:

Of course, it will be a mix of me and Micheal, I’m pretty sure it will be black, but if it is milk chocolate or a little bit lighter it doesn’t matter.

It is our sincerest wish that the deluded couple fails to breed. But if they do, it reminds us of the Frank Zappa line: “If your children ever find out how lame you really are, they’ll murder you in your sleep.”

Not that we encourage killing your parents, because we don’t. We need to make that clear for legal reasons. Either way, we suspect that their children, if they are remotely mentally healthy, may be tempted to kill them. That’s all we’re saying.

Yossi Adler is a Jewish man from Michigan with at least nine children. According to officials from American Airlines, Adler, his wife, and their 19-month-old daughter were recently booted from a Miami-to-Detroit flight because several passengers and flight attendants complained that Adler stunk to high heaven.

According to an official statement from American Airlines:

…multiple passengers, along with our crew members, complained about Mr. Adler’s body odor. Our Miami airport team members were concerned about the comfort of our other passengers due to the odor. Our team members took care of the family and provided hotel accommodations and meals, and rebooked them on a flight to Detroit Thursday morning.

Adler, however, says that something far more sinister caused their expulsion:

Obviously, there was a reason….But I think it was an anti-Semitic reason. Even if it wasn’t, they were anti-Semitic afterward….I’m trying to stay calm here….But there’s two Jewish people on the plane, and now they’re kicking us off because of odor. Seriously? Nobody here thinks I have odor….Not once in my life has someone said I smell.

Not once? Does that include the one time where nearly everyone on the flight besides you, your wife, and your infant daughter said you smell?

Mr. Adler, it is our professional opinion that your excuse stinks. We also suspect that you emit a very foul and unpleasant odor. We will hold out the possibility that, due to historical reasons, you are afraid of anyone who wants to lead you to the showers.

As the saying goes, when you point a finger, there are three fingers pointing back at you.

When it comes to men who are always accusing other men of being gay, at least one of those fingers may be pointed—or even planted—somewhere else.

David Matheson was one of the best known anti-gay “conversion therapists” attempting to de-faggify men who made a habit of lying down with other men to indulge in smelly acts of carnality.

Now he has abandoned his practice in order to be gay. He has also apologized to anyone who might have felt harmed by his conversion therapy.

However, a certain Chaim Levin, who claims he was personally harmed by gay conversion therapy, says Matheson’s apology is not enough:

I hope that Mr. Matheson will do whatever he can to rectify the harm that he’s inflicted on many people in the LGBTQ community, myself included.

We strongly suspect that Matheson is busily engaged attempting to “rectify” other men, but not in the way that Levin intended.

Every Monday, Jim Goad reads the previous day’s “Week That Perished” on his podcast.


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