The Week’s Most Blah, Nah, and Erin-go-Bragh Headlines
OSCAR AIN’T GOLD; HE’S YELLA
Americans might remember Judge Lance Ito from the O.J. Simpson criminal trial, but few recall that the judge in the O.J. civil trial was Asian too (Hiroshi Fujisaki).
That both trials had Asian judges wasn’t accidental; city leaders purposely sought racial “middle-ground” judges, neither black nor white.
Voters at this year’s Oscars took a page from that playbook. With blacks riled up about the “snubbing” of the year’s two blacktacular blackbusters (The Woman King—about Coretta Scott’s heroic fight to keep her husband’s rape tape classified, and Till—an educational film for black youth about where to find the money when robbing a convenience store), Academy voters avoided the conflict by giving every award to the Asians.
Everything Everywhere All at Once swept most of the major categories: Best Picture, Director, Actress, Supporting Actor, Supporting Actress, Editing, and Screenplay.
Angela Bassett, the only black woman nominated in an acting category, was so furious at not taking home a statuette, she refused to clap for winner Jamie Lee Curtis (an actress so dogged by hermaphrodite rumors she turned her son into a transgender freak to make herself look more feminine by comparison).
Bassett stormed out in protest. One hopes that on her way home she didn’t stop at a McDonald’s looking for a fight. Fortunately, L.A. fast-food joints are connected to the Amberger Alert notification system warning franchises of potential black girl wreckcellence.
Bottom line, Asian Oscar wins are the future, a way for voters to reject the woke mediocrity of black films without being seen as racist for rewarding movies with whites.
Yellow: the truly neutral color.
NATIONAL LAMPOON’S TRANSMANIMAL HOUSE
Along with the O.J. civil trial judge, here’s another piece of long-forgotten ’90s trivia. In 1990, the leadership of Mills, a private women-only college, decided to admit men in a desperate attempt to reverse decades of declining admissions (located in the heart of the black ghetto known as Oakland, California, Mills had struggled to attract wealthy white princesses, as the streets surrounding the college have names like Raped White Bitch Lane, Take My Money Just Don’t Hurt Me Ave., and Waking Up Without Your Purse After an Ill-Conceived Drunken One-Night-Stand Cul-de-sac).
When Mills administrators announced the policy change, the students erupted into the kind of agonized wailing you see in memes from November 2016. Seriously, the simultaneous screaming of a thousand traumatized women was never duplicated until 1999 when Louis C.K. wanked his way through Lilith Fair (this is the Infinite Wankey Theorem; if a million Louis C.K.s expose themselves to a million women, one will eventually get canceled).
The girls of Mills stormed the campus offices, seizing buildings and holding the school hostage. Sean Penn was approached by the admins to conduct a stealth-op of infiltrating the protest leadership and breaking their jaws, but he was too busy burning Madonna with cigarettes at the time.
Eventually, the administration threw in the towel; Mills remained women-only. Until last year when it was gobbled up by Northeastern (the campus has been renamed George Floyd Memorial Park and Fentanyl Dispensary).
The 1990 Mills protest seems a world away. These days, it’s impossible to imagine a time when liberal colleges recognized biological sex and saw value in not having men creeping around women’s bathrooms. Last week, students at Wellesley voted to allow trannies to attend the historic women’s institution.
Wellesley will still refuse to admit men. Unless those men don wigs and dresses.
Because it’s just silly for a women’s college to admit regular dudes; that could be dangerous. But it makes perfect sense to admit mentally ill, sexually perverted men. No danger there at all.
It’ll be fun to see the effect of this on Wellesley’s wrestling team.
Hey, maybe it’s not too late for Sean Penn to crack a few collegiate female jaws after all!
AN UNGODLY MESS
Aaron and Krista Reed are enlightened leftist/atheists in Wadsworth, Ohio. Aaron’s an obese white guy with a neckbeard, and Krista’s an obese white woman with pale skin, black lipstick, large black-rimmed glasses, dyed hair, and a nose piercing.
Ladies and gentlemen, the most original couple on earth.
Last week they decided to hold an event featuring a reading of the book Elle the Humanist by 12-year-old atheist Elle Harris, whose atheist father, as a show of protest against Christians who indoctrinate their children in a rigid belief system, had indoctrinated his child in a rigid belief system.
To ensure that the event would attract publicity, the Reeds arranged for an “all-ages” drag show to accompany the reading. In response, the neo-Nazi “Patriot Front” crashed the festivities with synchronized sieg-heiling and choreographed goose-stepping, because what better way to set yourself apart from the synchronized, choreographed drag dancers you’re protesting?
And as the Nazis yelled epithets and the little girl recited atheist doctrine while the drag dancers waved their willies, the rest of America could only conclude that the wrong Ohio town had been exterminated by a toxic train explosion.
But it gets better! Failed comedian and Seinfeld wannabe Andy Kindler tweeted that atheism itself is nothing but “white supremacy,” because most atheists are white males. But before he could soak up the kudos from his enlightened followers, he was bombarded with tweets about how it’s actually he who’s the racist, because the thing that put him on the map as a comedian was a 1996 routine in which he offered $1 million for proof that Whoopi Goldberg is funny. So therefore he hates blacks.
Atheists indoctrinating children as drag queens do the same while neo-Nazis scream “nigger faggot!” at white people in a depressed industrial Rust Belt hellhole as a smug schmucky Jew whores for likes only to be one-upped by his smuggier followers.
Maybe you believe in an afterlife, maybe you don’t. But this ungodly trash-fire gave us all a glimpse of hell.
As San Francisco’s blue-black ribbon committee on slavery reparations was recommending that every black should get $5 million plus debt forgiveness, no taxation, any house anywhere for just $1, and “guaranteed annual income of at least $97K for 250 years” (the committee’s a little fuzzy on the average human life span), a nattily dressed black gent in a top hat—looking like Satan from a blaxploitation film—appeared at a committee forum to explain that reparations aren’t just good for blacks, but all Californians:
There’s only one thing that would stop our children from busting into these liquor stores; there’s only one thing that would stop our kids from busting into these jewelry stores, stealing watches and jewelry, and that’s reparations.
Because who’s more law-abiding than a young person given a fortune without having to work for it? Entitled young people with wealth they never earned and never have to worry about losing are the most thoughtful, well-behaved, and responsible folks on earth.
Mixing Tom and Daisy from The Great Gatsby with the thugs from Death Wish is the best idea California Democrats have had since high-speed rail, and this one might actually come to pass, because the California Republican Party is in no position to stop it, its leaders having suffocated last week while playing with a plastic bag (the warning said “keep out of reach of children.” It said nothing about Republicans, a tragic omission).
Of course, considering that most remaining California blacks live in small enclaves surrounded by Mexican gangbangers eyeing them predatorily, should it become public knowledge that every black now has truckloads of cash, one might just see the state’s black population plummet to zero within months, as blacks, finding the Nike on the other foot—now they’re the ones afraid to walk the streets—flee.
So long, Mack Daddy Warbucks; the reverse migration might actually be worth the expense.
Lastly, let’s head to New Orleans for a look at some Spirit Airline employees who decided to take reparations into their own hands.
Keyonne Brooks, who’s black, had traveled to New Orleans from L.A. to attend a funeral. At Louis Armstrong Airport for his return flight, he accidentally left his carry-on bag at the ticket counter.
No worries; the three sassy Gabourey Sidibe look-alikes at the Spirit counter promptly returned the bag before the plane took off.
Just kidding! They grabbed it, took it to a trash can, rifled through it for anything of value, and dumped the rest. Then they told supervisors “we ain’t never seen no bag.”
Brooks had lifesaving medication in that bag, so this was no small inconvenience. And once back in L.A., something told him to pursue the matter. Perhaps it was the fact that the Sidi-baes had been rude to him as he checked in. So he got a lawyer and obtained a copy of the security footage.
Not only was the theft caught on camera, but the footage shows the Lardqueshas opening his bottles of medication and pouring them into the trash while laughing. Yes, they removed the med bottles and emptied the contents individually, knowing the guy might die as a result.
Spirit responded to this latest example of black girl vexcellence by stating that the three employees—described as independent contractors—have been suspended.
Not fired, of course. Can’t fire a black woman in 2023; especially not in the wake of the genocidal tragedy of Angela Bassett’s Oscar loss.
Louis Armstrong would likely resent what goes on at the airport bearing his name.
The colors of the rainbow, so pretty in the sky, are also on the faces, of hos makin’ you die.
What a wonderful world, indeed.