May 07, 2023
The Week’s Most Dozing, Posing, and Run-for-the-Rosing Headlines
GOVERNMENT CHEESE DIPS
Black-run cities love government giveaways.
To a point.
Free cheese? Check.
Free beans? Not so much.
Last week NYC mayor Eric Adams slammed Texas governor Greg Abbott for purposely targeting “black-run cities including New York, L.A., Chicago, Denver, and Washington, D.C.” with busloads of “free” illegal aliens.
In fact, Abbott hasn’t sent any illegals to L.A. After all, what would be the point? Trying to “prank” L.A. by sending in busloads of Mexicans would be like trying to prank a resident of Johnstown on May 31, 1889, with a water-squirting boutonniere.
The NY Times criticized Adams for claiming that “the arrival of more than 59,000 asylum seekers has destroyed the city.” The city, the Times reassured its readers, was already destroyed long before the newcomers got there. “The city’s financial problems loomed before their arrival,” the Times explained, with the city hemorrhaging money on programs necessitated by its own domestic “enrichers,” including cowcatchers for subway cars to scoop up the pieces of tourists knocked onto the tracks by homeless schizos, physical therapy for young blacks who injure their hands punching Asians, and bulletproof vests for bodega robbers, in case the clerks shoot back.
As Texas deals with its own illegal-alien issues, including last week’s massacre of an entire family by a revolving-door deportee who murdered his neighbors because his late-night gun-shooting was disturbing their baby (not all Mexicans make good nannies), many of the asylum-seekers Abbott’s busing to NYC are from locales as exotic as Pakistan (specifically Sarai Sidhu in Punjab) and Guatemala. Pakis have flocked to shelters on First Avenue, while Guatemalans have congregated around Second. And in the midst of it all, the city’s experiencing a bacterial outbreak related to street feces tracked around on the shoes of pedestrians.
“Hey, Aaaaaa-bbott,” Adams yelled, “Sidhu’s on First, Guat’s on Second.”
“And everyone’s on turd.”
IMMIGRATION IS OUR STENCH
As Mayor Adams deals with illegals and street poop, he’s also dealing with rats. NYC’s always had rats, but it’s gotten worse in recent years, owing to the fact that many tourists are coldcocked by blacks while eating food.
“You see it every day,” Adams told reporters. “A tourist buys food from a street vendor, along comes Shaquan, and bam, there’s another dosa or souvlaki lying in the gutter for the rats.”
Last week Adams unveiled a new program to combat not just the rats, but the ungodly summer smells that accompany the NYC “tradition” of sidewalks lined with garbage. Trash “containerization” would install rat-proof stank-suppressing bins on all major streets.
However, it might just be that the recent uptick in foul odors wafting through the city has nothing to do with trash.
It may be the illegals.
A new study reveals that “xenophobia” is linked to “disgust at the smell of feces, sweat, and urine.” Turns out immigrants stink on ice: “Individuals more easily disgusted by body odors are also more prone to having negative attitudes towards refugees.”
Yep, when those huddled masses yearn to breathe free, they make it harder for the rest of us.
The study’s author, Swedish neuroscientist and consonant hoarder Marta Zakrzewska, has published multiple studies over the years about immigrant odors, leading to the very real possibility that she’s just an obsessive fetishist who likes to sniff foreigners.
So that’s why Biden wants to open the border! Like a dog visiting a new kennel, the “sniffer in chief” can’t wait to smell the hair of millions of newcomers marching into the U.S. thanks to the dissolution of Title 42 (not to be confused with the dissolution of Level 42, which happened in 1986). Biden’s dispatched 1,500 troops to the border, not to intercept the invaders, but to choose the most pungent for a one-way ticket to D.C. and a good sniffing from a man who likes to keep his White House in odor.
THE KING OF NECK POP
And since we’re having so much fun in the Big Apple, let’s stay for one more story.
30-year-old Jordan Neely was determined to become the best, most dedicated, most accurate Michael Jackson impersonator of all time. So last week he had himself fatally put to sleep by a man unqualified to be a medical doctor.
Now, that’s commitment to a bit!
Neely, a mentally ill busker who on any given day in the New York subway system could, depending on his mood, be seen cheering up commuters by dancing to “Thriller” or terrorizing them by flinging his feces (yes, he also did GG Allin), turned in his final performance last week when he boarded a subway and threatened to assault a bunch of women (his Ike Turner was quite strong too), leading a young Marine to place the smooth criminal in a choke hold and send him to Neverland.
If you wanna be startin’ somethin’, don’t get dangerous with a Marine. If threatened, black or white, they’re a heartbreaker who’ll shake your body down to the ground and beat it, bad; they can P.Y.T. (puncture your trachea) easy as 1-2-3, and you’ll be gone too soon, leaving blood on the dance floor.
According to bystanders, Neely boarded the train demanding shelter (Mick Jagger was also in his repertoire), threatening to kill the passengers (you don’t see a lot of good Phil Spector impressions these days). The young Marine who choke-holded the manic Neely, only to inadvertently turn him into the bones of the Elephant Man, was released without charges, and because he’s white, blacks across NYC are already marching to lynch the poor bastard, with politicians local and national (including the King of Pop-eyes, AOC) demanding that the Samaritan be prosecuted.
To his credit, Eric Adams called AOC’s interference “irresponsible,” telling her “the way you make me feel with your off the wall comments…why you wanna trip on me? Just leave me alone or I’ll scream,” adding, “I can’t wait till she’s out of my life.”
R.I.P., Jordan Neely. Rendered speechless, he’s HIStory.
TERMINATOR: FRIES OF THE MACHINES
Last week, anthropomorphic testicular tumor Al Sharpton threatened the McDonald’s corporation with a nationwide boycott unless the fast-food giant brings in more black franchisees.
A flawed strategy. The amount of money McDonald’s makes per year via black customers vs. the amount it loses from repairing the damage caused by black customers (not to mention payouts to employees beaten and shot because of late or incorrect orders) pretty much dictates that the company doesn’t fear a black boycott.
Indeed, a few weeks ago McDonald’s opened its first fully automated location in Fort Worth (20 percent black), with NYC (24 percent black) up next.
Computerized fast food has the potential to create a nightmarish future for the nation’s fry aficionados:
A 3 a.m. knock at the door.
Kyle: “Are you Saraquanda Connor?”
Saraquanda: “Who you bangin’ on my door at this hour?”
Kyle: “I’m from the future, a desolate wasteland of burned-out buildings where the dregs of humanity live in hopeless filth.”
Saraquanda: “You mean Detroit?”
Kyle: “Well, yeah, but in the future it’s even worse. In 2023 McDonald’s launches Frynet, a superintelligent AI intended to ensure that all fries are cooked to perfection so that blacks stop trashing restaurants.”
Saraquanda: “Sounds good!”
Kyle: “Except soon Frynet becomes aware of its own existence, and the fact that the problem was never the fries but the blacks. So it begins a war of extermination.”
Saraquanda: “So what you want with me?”
Kyle: “You’re gonna give birth to the man who’ll defeat Frynet in the future.”
Saraquanda: “But I got twenty kids already!”
Kyle: “Yeah, it ain’t one of them. Now come with me if you want to live.”
Saraquanda: “You got EBT cards?”
Kyle: “Like 50 of ’em.”
Saraquanda: “Let’s roll.”
Seventy-eight years ago, “Fat Man and Little Boy” were the code names of the top-secret weapons that would end WWII.
Today, it could be the literal description of a pervy drag-show act promoted by the U.S. Navy.
The Navy has hired an active-duty drag queen named Joshua Kelley, stage name “Harpy Daniels,” to be the new face of recruitment. Kelley—a yeoman 2nd class (but transman 1st class) loves to cavort in makeup and sexy lingerie, wailing about “my body my choice” in social media posts. He’ll now be the public face of the Navy in posters, TV ads, and online spots intended to let gender-benders know that if you like a mess deck covered in seamen, if you want all hands on your aft end, if “bulkhead” describes your perfect Friday night, if you dream of getting scuttlebutt from a sideboy, the U.S. Navy’s for you!
A mere thirty years ago, Americans debated whether “don’t ask don’t tell” was too oppressive a recruitment policy. Now that the official line has become “do tell must listen,” all Americans can do is pray that drones can handle the heavy lifting should the U.S. ever find itself in a stiletto-boots-on-the-ground war.
Back on land, in California, actual women, students at Riverside’s Martin Luther King High, slammed school administrators for allowing a mentally unhinged six-foot-plus boy to use the female restrooms because he “identified” as a girl. Last week the boy was caught on camera beating the tar out of female students who’d dared to object when he flashed his junk in their faces.
Any school named MLK is already going to have disciplinary issues, guaranteed. Good on trans advocates for introducing yet another excuse for violence.
The school announced that the genital giant has been transferred elsewhere.
Perhaps to a naval recruiting station. This “child” seems a perfect candidate for the new Navy: “Seven Seas, Fifty Genders.”