August 20, 2023

Barack Obama

Barack Obama

Source: Bigstock

The Week’s Most Tiring, Inspiring, and Wildfiring Headlines

AUTISTINIAN PRIVILEGE
Could this be the end of “cancel culture”?

For one lucky fella, apparently so.

HuffPost recently ran a breathless exposé of Richard Hanania, a right/libertarian author who’s become the darling of “tech bro” Silicon Valley billionaires like Peter Thiel and Marc Andreessen.

But Hanania had a separate, earlier persona: “Richard Hoste”—a gentleman with less-than-flattering things to say about blacks, Jews, Mexicans, miscegenators, women, and fat people. A proud eugenicist, “Hoste” argued that low-IQ blacks should be forcibly sterilized (a horrific notion that would absolutely bankrupt the “elementary school teacher shot in the face by a student” get-well-card industry).

Surely Hanania’s racist past is grounds for cancellation. But no! HarperCollins, publisher of Hanania’s upcoming book about how wokeness is bad (good thing somebody finally has the guts to say it), is standing by its author. Hanania, a self-described “autistic Palestinian,” has apologized, and all is forgiven.

Turns out Palestinian autists get a pass.

And in case you’ve never met one…

How can you tell an autistic Palestinian?

He can’t wear a suicide vest because the material feels rough against his skin.

And even if he wears it, he’s easily apprehended because the detonation switch must be flicked on and off forty times. Also, he can’t blow up busy restaurants because crowds make him uncomfortable.

He can’t hijack a plane because airport noise gives him seizures.

Plus, he can’t interrogate hostages because he’s unable to make eye contact.

Ba-dum bomb.

BROBAMA
No, only in my dreams,
I grab men by the seams,
And I fantasize of reams.


No (no no no), only in my dreams,
I let out joyful screams,
Playing for the other team.

Last week the redacted portion of a love letter Barack Obama wrote to a girlfriend in 1982 was finally revealed, and the reason for the redaction became quite obvious: “I make love to men daily, but in the imagination,” the future president wrote.

It’s unclear whether Obama ever acted on his fantasies, though it’s likely that most gay men would be annoyed with a partner who looks at their erect penis and says, “You didn’t build that.”

Obama defenders claim there’s nothing odd about the passage, as “every man fantasizes about making love to other men; it doesn’t mean they’re gay” (the previous sentence comes courtesy of the Marlon Brando/Wally Cox Institute for Hey We’re Just Bros).

“How can you tell an autistic Palestinian? He can’t wear a suicide vest because the material feels rough against his skin.”

In fact, Obama isn’t the first president to have his masculinity questioned thanks to old letters. In a little-known correspondence from John Adams to his wife in 1776, Adams says of Thomas Jefferson, “He’s a man of fluidity of language and perspicacity of thought. Oh, and that ass. Damn…tight, tight.”

In 1800, after Adams and Jefferson became bitter rivals, Jefferson’s pal James Callender, a yellow journalist, penned the memorable accusation that Adams is a “hideous hermaphroditical character.”

To which Jefferson replied, “Hermaphrodite? Hawt!!!

Rumors of homosexuality also dogged FDR, who (true story) wore dresses and long girlish hair as a child (he was also bathed by his mom and governess until he was 8 years old). Hitler’s punishment in hell includes having to stare at this photo for eternity, with the caption “This freak whupped your ass.”

Of course, Eleanor Roosevelt is long thought to have been a lesbian, though that term might not be appropriate, as historians remain unsure if she was male or female or just an exceptionally clever shaved bear.

YE OLDE CURIOSITY SHOPLIFTERS
Merry old England is a little less merry thanks to the newest American import to take London by storm: “people of colour” trashing high-end shoppes in smash-and-grab robberies. Last week, a gang of Gunga Dims went looking for some bargains at London’s posh Oxford Street. The Meghan Markdowns grabbed merchandise, terrorized customers, and generally owned the block, because cops were too busy arresting (non-Palestinian) autistic teenage girls for making “homophobic” comments.

British merchants, increasingly distressed by the rash of U.S.-style shoplifting sprees and British law enforcement’s reluctance to arrest anyone for crimes other than “racism,” “homophobia,” or “transphobia,” have hatched a brilliant plan: Rather than wasting money on security guards (who are pointless anyway in a nation that doesn’t recognize self-defense as a right), the idea is, have an in-store flaming homo who’ll flirt with smash-and-grabbers, hopefully prompting the thieves to say something like “Fek off, faggot.”

Now the cops’ll take it seriously!

British stores are seeking applicants for the new “suckurity guard” positions. Word has it that Eddie Izzard is first in line, as long as he’s allowed to pleasure himself on the job.

And while the Brits might bemoan that their enrichers are following AOC’s lead and looking to steal “bread for their family” at Gucci stores, at least the Sphinctered Isle has yet to learn the hazards of “cold chips.”

Germany’s not so lucky. This summer’s seen an explosion of violence at public swimming pools, courtesy of African migrants (after all, when you can’t swim, what else is there to do at a public pool but fight?). In trying to blame the violence on anything but the imported thugs themselves, newspaper Die Zeit declared that the reason for the brawls is that the price of fries has gone up, thus driving the darkies into a pomme frenzy, especially as, in the scorching summer heat, even the most well-cooked fries can seem cold in comparison.

Perhaps now would be a good time to re-annex Silesia. There’s a particular camp there that has a swimming pool and very powerful ovens. Lure migrants with free fries, then turn the electrified fences back on.

Problem solved.

Arbeit Macht Fries.

RED VS. BLUE (BALLS)
If there’s a national divorce, it might not end up being over politics, but rather because one half of the country can’t keep it up in bed.

A new study of erectile dysfunction reveals that most dudes with limp biscuits are in blue states.

The states with the wimpiest willies? Hawaii, Massachusetts, Connecticut, Vermont, New York, Minnesota, Rhode Island, California, Pennsylvania, New Jersey. The states where the flags are never at half-staff? Utah, Idaho, Arkansas, South Dakota, Wyoming, Mississippi, Oklahoma, Tennessee, Kansas, North Carolina.

Could it have something to do with the fact that blue-state men, no matter how hard they try, just can’t get turned on by obese blue-haired chicks with face tats and bones through their septum?

Conversely, it stands to reason that states like Arkansas would have few problems with erectile dysfunction. After all, them first cousins is a might purdy.

“Experts” claim that blue-state men are less repressed and therefore more willing to talk to their doctor about boner pills. But such easy outs are challenged by a 2022 study in the Journal of Sex Research titled “Men’s Feminist Identification and Reported Use of Prescription Erectile Dysfunction Medication.” Turns out the more a man identifies as a feminist, the more likely his pud will be a dud.

Which would make a great Seinfeld episode. George tries to woo a “grrrl power” chick by immersing himself in feminist ideology, only to realize, after winning her over, that he can no longer perform.

Jerry: “So you couldn’t get it up?”

George: “It was wokeage, Jerry! WOKEAGE! Watching Maddow took all the wood outta my pecker!”

Kramer: “That’s why I only watch Hannity. My little soldier always stands at attention! G-g-giddyup!”

Jerry: “But doesn’t watching Hannity make you retarded?”

Sadly, there’s no response, as Kramer forgot to breathe and died.

STOP? HAMMERTIME!
Middletown, Conn.: Traffic light inventor Winston Tate was seeing red last week after neighbors dared to complain that he was smashing cars with a claw hammer while threatening bystanders with a claw hammer. Tate had previously been arrested for assaulting a cop with a claw hammer, and for assaulting neighbors with a claw hammer.

You don’t have to be Columbo to see a pattern here.

When officer Karli Travis arrived at Tate’s house, she politely asked him to drop the claw hammer. And he beat her with the claw hammer.

Nobody could’ve foreseen that.

Body-cam footage shows Travis employing what the mayor of Middletown proudly calls his “BLM reforms”: no use of force against a black until you’re literally being murdered by him. Thankfully, Travis survived. Sadly, so did Tate, though with several nonlethal bullet wounds (Travis’ aim was thrown off by the fact that she was being beaten with a claw hammer).

Democrat mayor Ben Florsheim (campaign motto: “Like the shoes, but even crappier”) applauded Officer Travis for “deescalating” the situation by allowing herself to be beaten (that’s not a joke).

Connecticut’s presence on the list of limp-dong states makes more sense now.

Meanwhile, in Bellmore, N.Y., a cop showed the world how to do it right. When a deformed tranny-of-color walked through a busy intersection randomly firing a gun into stores and cars, an officer, realizing that there were too many bystanders at risk if he opened fire on the creature, revved his car and made some black lives splatter, transitioning “Carleesha” from active threat to sidewalk goo with a swift swipe from his vehicle, spinning the beast in the air like a break-dancer (“Breakin’ 15: Electric Shattered Spleen”).

Word has it the suspect’s weave was knocked all the way to Queens, where it was mistaken for a giant tarantula and eaten by African migrants.

Upon hearing that a cop had dared to proactively stop a colored criminal, Alvin Bragg reached for his claw hammer. Unfortunately, the moron grabbed it by the wrong end, putting a deep gash in his hand. The Week That Perished wishes him a slow and painful recovery.


Columnists

Sign Up to Receive Our Latest Updates!