October 22, 2023
The Week’s Most Lying, Trying, and Pumpkin-Buying Headlines
In the Brothers Grimm fairy tale “The Jew in Thorns,” a young servant feeds a starving dwarf, who turns out to be a leprechaun (or the German equivalent: Christoph Waltz) who grants the servant three wishes. The servant uses the wishes to torture a Jew and steal his money. When the Jew goes to the king to complain, the king has the Jew hanged because the Jew’s money had itself been stolen from gentiles.
The twist ending? That Jew was Ben Shapiro.
Shapiro, a Grimm superfan, is remaking Snow White, based-style. No Latinas! Shapiro cast conservative blogger/actress Brett Cooper in the titular role. As commenters pointed out after viewing last week’s teaser, Cooper looks like Shapiro in drag, something she herself admits. Though, to be fair, Shapiro’s far more feminine.
Rachel Zegler may be an abominable human, but at least she’s pretty.
On a recent podcast Cooper said she was doing 23andMe to determine her ancestry, and word is the swab took one look at her gigantic schnoz and said, “Save your money, lady; you’re two-thirds Ashkenazi and one-third tapir.”
Bucking Disney’s political correctness, Shapiro’s Snow White will include dwarves (though not the kind that torture Jews). The new Seven Dwarfs will be called Kvetchy, Nebbishy, Klutzy, Noshy, Schleppy, Schmoozy, and Doc-au.
The film’s being helmed by Jeremy Boreing’s toupee in its directorial debut. “It’s my time to shine,” the toupee told Deadline last week. “Much like Jeremy’s scalp when I’m not on it.”
Shapiro promises that even though his version of the classic fable will be G-rated, that doesn’t mean weighty matters won’t be depicted on screen.
“In the climactic scene,” he told Variety, “as the prince bends down to awaken Snow White with a kiss, he blinds himself in one eye on her massive honker.”
The twist ending? That prince is Dan Crenshaw.
COMEDY OF TERRORS
When Pete Davidson, the walking corpse whose purpose on earth is to torment incels by proving that even sunken-eyed ghouls get more tail than they do, hosted Saturday Night Live, he opened with a heartfelt plea for peace in the Middle East.
It wasn’t even remotely funny, yet it was still the funniest thing in the show.
Davidson stated that he only become a comedian because his father was killed on 9/11.
As if the world needs another reason to despise al-Qaeda. It wasn’t enough they murdered 3,000 innocents, they also had to give us Pete Davidson?
Never forget that Seth MacFarlane was supposed to be on one of the hijacked 9/11 planes, but he missed his flight. Typical Muslim incompetence; they miss killing one untalented prick and inadvertently give us another.
That said, Muslims may have finally helped the comedy world. After Amy Schumer used her Instagram to post messages supporting Israel, leftists turned on her, mocking her as overrated.
And for the first time, it became okay to admit that Schumer isn’t funny.
Okay, terrorists, points for that one. If you end Schumer’s career, that might make up for launching Davidson’s.
Meanwhile, a group of showrunners, appalled that the WGA is the only Hollywood union to not release a pro-Israel statement, signed an open letter to rectify the situation. Among the signatories? A-listers like Jerry Seinfeld, Graham Yost (Justified), and David Goyer (the Dark Knight Trilogy).
Closer to the bottom? Mitch Paradise, writer of the 1988 flop Death Spa, about a haunted spa where possessed exercise equipment kills big-breasted blondes.
As Norm Macdonald would say, “The list’s starting to drop off a little.”
If Hamas ends up inadvertently reinvigorating Paradise’s career, well…that would be a war crime of unforgivable magnitude.
Speaking of unions, how are things going with the SAG and WGA strikes?
Let’s pay a visit to those two little scamps, SAGgy and WiGA.
WiGA: Hey SAGgy, we’re on strike. Wanna join us?
SAGgy: I dunno. Aren’t strikes risky?
WiGA: Not if we strike together! We both have a lot at stake. Better wages, and no AI!
SAGgy: I still ain’t sure. Our leader’s Fran Drescher. She goes “waaaah” like Lucille Ball but she don’t do much else.
WiGA: Look, whaddya got to lose? Three percent of your membership makes $20 million per picture, so they can afford a few months off. And the other 97 percent never work at all.
SAGgy: Yeah, we call those actors “white.”
WiGA: So let’s do it. Let’s strike together, as buddies! As long as we got each other’s back, we can’t fail.
SAGgy: Okay, friend, I’m in!
WiGA: Great! I even wrote some picket-line chants for you. How’s this?
We demand a living wage hike;
Drescher’s like Lucy if she were a kike.
SAGgy: Wait, that’s kinda insulting…
WiGA: Okay, try this one:
We just wanna earn the national mean;
Then we won’t have to fellate a Weinstein.
SAGgy: Hey, only 23 percent of our membership ever did that!
WiGA: Alright, chum, to the picket lines!
SAGgy: Where ya goin’?
WiGA: Oh, we made a deal. Our strike’s over. Back to work for us!
SAGgy: Ain’tcha gonna respect our picket line? I mean, you was the one who asked us to strike with ya.
WiGA: Oh SAGgy, will you ever learn? Actors are stupid so we tricked you. Enjoy your unemployment.
SAGgy: Well, at least we can still do porn.
WiGA: Yeah, about that…AI deepfake’s taken over the biz. Even porn doesn’t need actors anymore! Look, here’s a deepfake of Kirk Douglas giving Natalie Wood her first “audition”! And here’s a deepfake of you fellating Harvey Weinstein.
SAGgy: I hate to admit it, but that ain’t AI!
Fade to black.
THERE’S GOLD IN THEM THAR KILLS
Over in New Akbaria (formerly the U.K.), celebrities signed an open letter backing Hamas. Half the signatories are Muslims (or as they’ll be called in about ten years, “foundational British”). Some are outright lunatics, like Harry Potter actress Miriam Margolyes, whose recent autobiography claims Steve Martin actually beat her up on camera while filming Little Shop of Horrors (Margolyes is the fat nurse in this scene, and Martin’s punches are clearly faked, but who better to be a Hamas fan than someone who can so easily lie?). But there is one true A-lister whose name appears atop the letter: Tilda Swinton, a.k.a. the shrivel-head Nazi from Raiders of the Lost Ark.
Why would Swinton, an actress whose Hollywood career has depended on Jews, cheer the murder of Jews? Her manager, Levicohen Feinbein, provided the answer to Variety. “Tilda’s been chasing a Best Actress Oscar for thirty years now. She’s won Best Supporting, but her attempts to land ‘the big one’ via roles as Holocaust victims have come up empty. Fact is, there just aren’t enough dead Jews left for Ms. Swinton to play, so she figures creating a few thousand more will really boost those Oscar chances.”
And indeed, ever since genocidal anti-Semite Vanessa Redgrave won Best Actress at the 1981 Emmys for portraying the Jewish “pianist of Auschwitz” (and who can forget her acceptance speech? “I’d like to thank my agent Morty Finkelbaum, my manager Solomon Schwartzglatten, and producer Izzy Lipschitzenberg. Oh, and death to Israel and all Jews!”), it’s been a fad for anti-Israel actors to portray dead Jews (Vanessa’s sister Lynn had less success with her role as the “kazoo player of Auschwitz”).
But at least one celebrity is standing on principle. Rod Stewart recently turned down multimillion-dollar paydays to play Saudi Arabia and Qatar, in protest of those nations’ human rights abuses and terrorism sponsorship. Plus, how can you sing “Hot Legs” in countries where women can’t show their legs? Not to mention that the Saudi prince, mindful that women have no rights in his country, demanded that Stewart change “Maggie May” to “Marwa May Not.”
GOMER PILOT U.S.M.C.
American blacks and aviation have a relationship filled with ups and downs.
On one hand, who can forget the heroic Tuskegee Airmen?
Well, Joe Biden can! In 2021, he mistook the WWII pilots for the unfortunate placebo-takers of the syphilis study. Sadly, the sole remaining Airman died after Biden ordered him pumped full of benzathine “to right the wrongs of the past.”
On the other hand, there was David Burke, the USAir employee who barged into a cockpit and shot the pilots, then nosedived the plane into the ground (the reason for Burke’s massacre is unknown, but the black box detected that the in-flight fries were slightly undercooked that day). Or Auburn Calloway, the FedEx flight engineer who tried to decapitate his fellow crewmen mid-flight in order to kamikaze the plane because “racism” (hence the FedEx motto “When it absolutely, positively has to behead overnight”).
Last year Biden ordered a study to determine why there are only five black fighter pilots in the Marine Corps. And last week, the final report, written by Marine aviator Charles Bolden and his son Ché (obviously very patriotic Americans), was obtained by The Washington Post.
Turns out blacks just don’t want to be pilots. They “take themselves out of the running” for pilot positions, preferring cushy administrative jobs instead.
And the Biden administration’s response?
Make them be pilots whether they want to or not!
Because that’s just what everybody needs—reluctant pilots. Black Don Knotts scared out of his wits at the helm of an F-18. And considering how many military pilots segue to civilian airlines, what better thing to hear over the intercom after you’ve taken off on that Chicago–NY flight than, “This is your pilot DeShawn…and I don’ wanna be doin’ this sheeeeit.”
Real-life Soul Plane’s gonna be a blast…David Burke-style.