November 05, 2023
The Week’s Most Flocking, Mocking, and Turn-Back-the-Clocking Headlines
URINE FOR A TREAT!
The gig-economy food delivery industry is just one “Professor Cumcookies” away from a reckoning. He was the L.A. teachers’ union perv (Weingarten-approved!) who brought cookies for his elementary school kids topped with his own “handmade frosting.” The LAUSD paid out $139 million to the families of the children who ate the Fig Spewtons after a judge found that the district had ignored obvious warning signs when hiring the man.
Superintendent: “We’re not sure we should employ a teacher named ‘Cumcookies.’”
“Please—it’s pronounced Kohm-kerhk-ess. It’s, uh, Latvian!”
Superintendent: “Splendid! You’re hired. And thanks for the pudding cups!”
That was followed by “Professor Cumflautist” (also Latvian), a music teacher who gave his students flutes with mouthpieces dipped in his…well, you get the idea.
Just knowing that these fetishes exist makes it seem odd that Americans are so comfortable with having gig-job randos transport their food across town in open bags.
And now it looks like the one halfway decent thing to come from Covid hysteria ain’t so decent after all. Responding to germphobia during lockdowns, delivery apps began supplying restaurants with stickers to “seal” bags during transport. But now it turns out those seals may have made things worse.
Two weeks ago a California Grubhub driver was caught removing his customer’s bag seal, licking and biting the items, then reaffixing the seal. The “seals” have all the adhesiveness of a refrigerator magnet; if anything, they contribute to a false sense of security by making customers think their order couldn’t possibly have been “secret sauced.”
And last week, a Utah Grubhub driver switched out a customer’s Chick-fil-A milkshake with a cup of his own urine. The driver admitted the deed but claimed it was an accident. And in the history of accidents, “I replaced your chocolate shake with a cup of my piss” surely ranks as the most unlikely.
It’s unclear if the recent spate of tamperings will lead to industry reforms, but yesterday the CEO of Tylenol called the heads of every delivery app and said, “Dudes, don’t wait for the worst-case scenario. Just take my word for it.”
IT’S THE NOT-SO-GREAT PUMPKIN, CHARLIE BROWNSYNDROME
It’s hard to find a Zoomer who doesn’t claim to be on the “autism spectrum.” These days your odds of finding a genuine autist are about as good as finding an authentic “Native American” (last week Canada’s top Injun was revealed to be a Sicilian-American whose only tribal membership is with the New Jersey Fuhgettaboutits).
This year the autist community demanded special blue-colored “autistic” pumpkin buckets for Halloween so they could collect free candy without having to speak, make eye contact, or explain why they’re 30 and still trick-or-treating. And when the pumpkin bucket industry (on Nov. 1 Jim Cramer advised his viewers to invest heavily in pumpkin bucket stocks due to amazing October overperformance) responded as requested and mass-produced the blue buckets, autists then slammed the manufacturers for “marking and marginalizing” them.
Maybe the plan all along was just to have something to complain about.
If there must be color-coded identity pumpkins, try yellow, to let trick-or-treaters avoid the homes of Asians. Last week two Long Island children were held at gunpoint by Chinaman Yifan Wen after they approached his doorstep Halloween night. Wen thought the kids had mocked his cultural norms regarding women after mishearing their chant as “trick or treat, small my feet.”
The Wen incident brings to mind the infamous case of Tavita Solomona, the California Asian who murdered a teen for pulling a Halloween doorbell prank. Yellow pumpkins would let Halloweeners know the houses where “ding-dong ditch” can become “ching-chong puts you in a ditch.”
Considering the Asian disdain for Halloween “planks,” it’s amazing that Gavin Newsom got out of China alive during his trip last week. Surely all who met him must’ve thought that the very idea a man that vacuous could be a U.S. presidential contender is the cruelest Halloween hoax ever.
Speaking of Newsom’s China trip, the hair-gelled vulture who sees Biden as carrion baggage bragged that he didn’t discuss the ethnic cleansing of Uyghurs with Chinese leaders. He knows Muslims don’t give a damn about that issue (Muslim nations have even blocked multiple U.N. resolutions calling for international observers to investigate the Uyghur death camps).
When you express outrage over the Gazan “open-air concentration camp” but fail to get even a little worked up over China’s “roofed concentration camps,” folks start to wonder. As Jews who highlight Hamas’ brutality are being shut down by Muslims in the U.S. and abroad, China’s Uyghur genocide is met with a yawn.
It all comes down to priorities. Even the Muslim rallies against Israel have yet to match the scope or death toll of the protests after a Danish guy drew Muhammad. Uyghurs? Meh. Gaza? Punch Jews! Muhammad cartoons? Behead everyone!
Muslims hate cartoons. This can be traced to the Quran, which takes funnies very seriously (the following translations courtesy of Muslim pop culture critic Hajir Eibert):
A cat may not consume lasagna; it is haram. (Q36:29)
She who pulleth away a football is a bitch, but he who falleth for it is a moron. (Q42:17)
See not life in a stuffed tiger, for it is a graven image and an offense. (Q21:60)
Troubleth not Mr. Wilson during Ramadan. But on Eid, wake his fat ass good. (Q55:07)
The Muslim obsession with cartoons is silly. After all, German Jews never tried to assassinate Hitler because of Streicher caricatures, and everything worked out just fine for…
Wait, maybe the Muslims are onto something.
ROCK ’N’ ROLL CALL
After so many aborted attempts even Kermit Gosnell was like, “Damn,” the House finally has a new speaker. There are plenty of legitimate reasons to be dubious about Mike Johnson, so leave it to The Guardian to come up with the most idiotic reason imaginable. Lloyd Green, who served in the Bush DOJ 1990–1992 (he headed the Department of Murdering Randy Weaver’s Family), claims Johnson is a “David Duke” because even though he “condemned the 2017 Charlottesville Unite the Right rally,” he also said, “I cannot and do not speak for the president or the White House.”
And that makes him David Duke.
This might be the most idiotic reason to oppose a Republican since the 2011 Rick Perry “Nigger Rock” episode. And no, that doesn’t refer to the failed Jim Henson pilot that would later be renamed for Fraggles. It refers to when Perry, then governor of Texas, decided to run for president, and instead of leftists just letting him sink himself (which he did), they called him David Duke because the previous owners of a parcel of hunting land Perry leased had carved “nigger” on a large rock, and Perry had painted over the offending word and turned the rock upside down. Leftists argued that he should’ve had the rock destroyed, as the word had rendered it evil.
And if you think that’s the only time “follow the science” “rationalists” railed against demon-possessed inanimate objects, last week the media rejoiced at the sight of Charlottesville’s Robert E. Lee statue being melted down in a hellish inferno so searingly hot, twelve black workers were injured after sticking their hands in the blast furnace hoping to get “them good fries.”
“I wasn’t sure there’d be fries in there,” employee D’Tritus Rubbel told the AP, “but I knew they wouldn’t be cold-ass. It was worth the risk.”
Oh, if you’re wondering whatever happened to Perry’s “Nigger Rock,” the media forgot about it once his presidential aspirations fizzled. It was eventually bought by BET for a black-themed iteration of Schoolhouse Rock. The first episode, a BLM version of the classic “how a bill becomes a law” cartoon, featured the lyrics “burn shit down and call everyone racist.”
Actually, that was the entire song. Short, concise, and accurate.
COTTON AYE JOE
In his first week as speaker, Mike Johnson showed rare creativity (for a Republican) by suggesting that Israel aid should be taken from Biden’s unprecedented increase in IRS spending.
A tantalizing proposal: harass terrorists with money that was supposed to be used to harass Americans.
Caught in the middle of the controversy is Joe Manchin, the Senate swinger who gifted Americans with 87,000 new IRS agents. Manchin—whose last name is not only the thing his Appalachian constituents will never own but also the way they’d spell it if they could write—is facing dim prospects for reelection next year, with polls showing him going down in flames like a Williamson meth-head when his coonhound farts as he’s lighting his pipe.
Funny that a guy representing Deliverance-land didn’t realize that moonshiners ain’t fond of them dang revenuers.
Since passing the IRS funding, Manchin’s “conservative voting index” rating has plummeted. However, he still scores remarkably high in the “raping Ned Beatty” index, second only to San Francisco’s Scott Wiener.
Manchin’s spent the past year assuring voters that the new IRS stormtroopers would never audit Americans who make less than $400,000 a year. But last week during a House hearing, IRS Commissioner Dan Werfel admitted that, inadvertently, people making less than $400,000 might be targeted, but if it happens, he’ll be really really sorry!
Perhaps Johnson’s plan doesn’t go far enough. Why just send the money for the IRS agents to Israel? Why not send the agents themselves, considering that the new funding provides them with firearms training?
87,000 IRS agents on the front lines battling terrorists. What a great way to ensure that Hamas can no longer kill anyone who’ll be missed.