December 03, 2023

Ireland

Ireland

Source: Bigstock

The Week’s Most Embering, Dismembering, and December-to-Remembering Headlines

BLACK MAGICAL KINGDOM
For the first time since 2014, not a single Disney film this year has earned a billion dollars. Following last week’s crash-and-burn of the female-led LGBTBLM flop The Marvels, the House of Louse topped itself with the massive fail of its newest animated film, the black-centered Wish, which cost more than $200 million to make and earned a grand total of $48 mil.

Disney plans to change the title to Wish (We Never Made the Damn Film).

In the movie, a young black girl named Asha summons a celestial wish-granting star named “Star”—and maybe that’s part of the reason the film failed to resonate with black audiences; why not call it “Starkeisha” or “Starzetta” or “Starquanda”?

Anyway, Star agrees to grant Asha one wish. And Asha thinks for a moment and says, “I want a world without hunger, sadness, pain, loneliness, hatred, and death.”

Star gently takes her hand, tears in his eyes, and states with empathy, “My child, that’s a beautiful, wonderful wish. But even I, with my great powers, cannot grant a wish of that magnitude. Can you come up with one that’s a little more realistic?”

Asha replies, “I’d like to get into an Ivy League school on my own merits and test scores.”

And Star responds, “Lemme take a look at that first wish again.”

(Yes, a recycled joke template. But Disney’s recycled plotlines deserve no better.)

Another reason Wish did so poorly among black audiences is that it was released the same weekend as two other black-targeted films with similar story lines: Tyler Perry’s Madea’s Magic Lantern and Leslie Jones’ Gimme My Damn Wish, You Genie-Lookin’ Muthaf*cka.

And just as Disney thought the week couldn’t get worse…

DISNEY’S LOSING STREAK(ER)
Last week a dude stripped naked and went running through Disneyland’s Small World, as boats filled with children and parents shielded their eyes (except for State Senator Scott Wiener, who yelled out a marriage proposal).

“Meghan Markle and Prince Harried were back in the news last week, as they are every week.”

Anyone who’s seen non-blurred footage of the dong-distance runner can attest that “small world” was the appropriate venue for this tiny trespasser. Though, to be fair, as he darted in and out of the ride’s water, “shrinkage” could be blamed.

As Oscar Piss-torius ran through the “nations of the world” exhibit, he made stops in Djibooty, Cum-moros, Jerk-men-istan, Bulge-area, and Uru-gay. Dickey Mouse was eventually apprehended by security and (no joke) carried naked through the park, where he was able to flash more children. Proving that either the tales of tunnels under Disneyland are false, or the tales of Disney’s grooming are true.

Speaking of which…last week Business Insider ran a celebratory piece about Taron Sargsyan, a “Disneyland intern” who was earning a “near-six-figure-salary” (so much for “unpaid internships”) until he ran up over $24,000 on his Disney corporate credit card to support his drug habit.

When his bosses discovered the embezzlement, they forgave him after he explained that he only did drugs because “my traumatic experience of coming out as gay to my Armenian family brought a lonely, dark fog over my life.”

So that’s Disney in a nutshell: Misgender someone, you’re fired. Steal $24,000 and blow it on fentanyl, you’re Disney’s new gay hero!

Indeed, look for the big-budget animated story based on Sargsyan’s life, Fentasia, to be released next year and lose another $200 million for the company whose mouse mascot these days prays for the merciful release of death in a Fauci lab.

MUSLIM SHADY
This week’s roundup of silly Sunnis, shrieking Shias, and wacky Wahhabis:

First to France, where six Muslim teens went on trial for the beheading of a teacher who supposedly displayed a drawing of Muhammad in a lesson on free speech. The immigrant kiddies went to a local Muslim enforcer, who taught the teacher the real meaning of free speech by helping himself to the poor bastard’s larynx after slicing his neck open. If convicted, the teens will get a show on MSNBC.

Meanwhile, Reuters reports that Muslim immigrants are “in shock” over the victory of anti-Islamic Dutch politico Geert Wilders. “Why don’t they like us?” asked immigrant al-Qudduf Yunadz. “Sure, we bring beheadings and rapes…but think of the good things we provide! Like…uh…falafels! Everyone loves falafels, right?”

In Ireland, Prime Minister Leo Varadkar, of Indian origin, slammed the Irish peasants for daring to display anger after a Muslim immigrant went on a child-stabbing rampage. “Me own blessed father came here from India because where you eejits only see green pastures an’ pristine rivers, he saw spaces fer public defecation and corpse-disposal waterways. Just be glad ya never let in da Jews, because then ya’d have a bunch o’ cunts showin’ ya up by winnin’ Nobel Prizes. At least ye can feel superior to these Muslim savages, and c’mon, when have the Irish ever been able to feel superior t’anyone?”

Finally, in New York, a prominent Jewish cancer specialist is suing NYU for firing him after he posted anti-Hamas content on social media. Dr. Benjamin “enough with the tumors already” Neel, whose NYU lab researches breast and ovarian cancer, claims that the university violated his First Amendment rights. In response, NYU released a statement claiming that one of Neel’s posts, an “offensive caricature of Arab people,” violated the school’s “hate speech” code.

“It’s perfectly okay to criticize Hamas,” NYU President Linda Mills told Reuters, “just not offensively. Like, I can respectfully state that Hamas acted poorly on October 7th. See? I said it, and it’s not like they’re going to kill me or anything.”

As of today, Mills still occupies the NYU chair. Well, her body does. Her head has yet to be found.

BANNON THE RUN
What is the world coming to when you can’t even trust an embezzler?

Steve Bannon, a.k.a. your transitioning lesbian aunt, is one of the prime movers behind something called “Project 2025,” a “think tank” dedicated to reshaping the federal government after Trump wins California and the black vote next year. Already, Project 2025 has announced Trump’s cabinet appointments:

—Candace Owens as Secretary of Alternative Energy (as her head is a wind farm)

—Nick Fuentes as Historian of the House (the engraving over the National Archives will be changed from “The Past Is Prologue” to “The Jews Are Our Misfortune”)

—Ray Stevens as U.S. Poet Laureate (makes sense, as “The Streak” is already the theme song for MAGA electoral losses)

—Kari Lake as head of USDA slaughterhouse inspection (because nobody’s better at beating dead horses)

During Trump’s final week in office, Bannon was pardoned for the “Build the Wall” scam that robbed MAGAs of millions. Yet while Bannon dodged that bullet, he now faces another: Turns out that one of the partner orgs in Project 2025 is funded by open-borders leftists. And the only reason this is known is because the partner org accidentally released its donor list.

With the right, you never have to worry about being doxxed by leftists. These imbeciles dox themselves.

So far there’s been no response to the leaked docs from Project 2025’s director, the Heritage Foundation’s Troup Hemenway. And on the bright side of this mess, Troup Hemenway is better than Troupe Hemingway, a merry band of actors who travel from town to town cheering bullfights, getting electroshock treatment, and blowing their brains out.

Still more entertaining than a Daily Wire movie.

THE ROYAL WIENERS
Meghan Markle and Prince Harried were back in the news last week, as they are every week.

Iranian-British author Omid Scobie (a skin disease that can be treated with permethrin) is about to release a tell-all about Meghan and Harry titled Idiots You Shouldn’t Care About and If You Buy This Book You’re a Moron (some sources claim the title is actually Endgame, but TWTP stands by the first title as more accurate). British libel laws prevented Ohmy Scabies from revealing the names of the “royal racists” who oppressed poor poor billionaire Meghan.

However, last week it was revealed that the Dutch edition of the book names all the names. Fortunately, nobody can read Dutch—not even the Dutch—so the secret is safe, except to the baboons who bought the book for its title, Oop Oop Ook Ook Eep Eep.

It was also revealed last week that the exiled royal and his personal Jada Pinkett are thinking of moving from their Montecito mansion in Santa Barbara to L.A., because apparently it’s their goal to reenact that South Park episode in real life. According to sources, there are several reasons for the move: Santa Barbara is a good deal colder than L.A., and Meghan’s been troubled by the effect that’s been having on her fries. But also, considering how the two kids want nothing more than privacy, moving from a town of 8,000 to a city of 4 million just seemed like the practical thing to do.

There’s no word yet on where in L.A. the private, reclusive, bashful couple will live, but they’re reportedly examining some potential new homes, including the top of the Hollywood sign (just the “HO,” so that Meghan can have a monogram), the Ferris wheel on the Santa Monica pier, the intersection of Hollywood and Vine, and the Jurassic Park ride at Universal Studios (the decrepit fossils remind Harry of Charles and Camilla).

L.A.’s gardeners have their leaf blowers at the ready for the couple, with Landscapers Union President Juan Ataco telling the AP that he’ll make certain Harry’s gardener is a Mexican national, because, between Meghan Markle and Wallis Simpson, it seems that every time a British royal is blown by an American, it ends poorly.


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