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The Week’s Most Hopping, Bopping, and Last-Minute-Shopping Headlines

MAGILL, A GORILLA
In a coda to the disastrous congressional testimony by U Penn president Liz Magill and Harvard Affirmative Action zombie Claudine Gay during a hearing on anti-Semitism on college campuses, it turns out that both bozos were prepped for their testimony by the iconic law firm WilmerHale.

With Magill ma-gone and Gay grappling with a plagiarism scandal (it didn’t help that her response to the accusation was, “I have nothing to fear but the buck stopping here”), attention has turned to why a firm with such a storied history (infamous, too; WilmerHale defended BP during the oil spill, spinning it as “hey, at least something black can float in the sea!”) would give such terrible prep.

Well, looking back at the firm’s past debate prep work, there’s a definite record of shoddiness.

“President Ford, remember to point out that there’s no Soviet domination of Eastern Europe.”

“Senator Quayle, bring up JFK—Bensten will have no comeback to that.”

“Mr. Perot, just let the Admiral ad-lib. He’ll shine!”

WilmerHale’s “crisis management” chief, Alyssa DaCunha (a surname that sounds like the worst thing you can call a Puerto Rican’s mother), says she’s proud of her firm’s 2023 record, which includes telling Susan Sarandon “declare that you’re glad Jews are facing hatred; you’ll be a hero in Hollywood,” telling Hamas, “this’ll bring Israel to the bargaining table,” telling NYC Mayor Adams “keep supporting open borders; these ‘transports’ are a one-time stunt,” and telling Hunter Biden, “don’t worry—between your daddy, the WaPo, and the NY Times, you’ll never see a courtroom.”

It means many worries,
For the rest of your days.
It’s our intelligence-free philosophy,
DaCunha Matata!

TRANS-ATLANTIC
From Atlantic to Pacific, gee the trannies are terrific!

There’s no place like homo for the holidays, and on two different coasts, that old saw proved true, thanks to men who cut off their weenies with old saws.

In Seattle, where public schools have ceased teaching math, reading, and science in order to “level” white students with the Third Worlders imported by Biden, a 10th-grade “educator” at Chief Seattle High gave students a test with questions like “true or false: all men have penises” and “true or false: only women can get pregnant.”

Students who gave the scientifically correct answers were failed. Not just because they violated tranny ideology, but because the fact that they understood the questions meant they could read, a no-no at Chief Seattle High.

BTW, one of the Chief’s best-known quotes, “There is no death, only a change of worlds,” has been altered by the school to “There is no gender, only a change of penises.”

Seattle also said, “What is man without the beasts?”

Well, not an Englishman.

Over in England, ordinary citizens are routinely jailed for daring to say there are only two genders. But you know who didn’t get jail time? Liam Brown, a 25-year-old Dorset gentleman who’d been terrorizing the countryside raping calves on cattle farms. One local farmer noticed that a high number of his calves were dying, but not from any identifiable cause. Concerned, he set up a matrix of motion-activated alarms on his farm, and he found the answer, though he likely regrets that he did.

Brown would sneak onto farms in the middle of the night, bind the calves, assault them, and flee.

The farmer caught Brown pants-down “in the act.” But the court refused to punish him beyond a £600 fine.

That the judge’s name was The Honourable Cesar Bovyne N. Shaggitsbotham may or may not have contributed to the leniency.

So that’s England; misgender someone, immediate prison. Rape and kill calves, meh, to each zir own.

Also, a word of advice: Never buy veal from Dorset.

FESTIVAL OF BLIGHTS
The Hanukkah candle-lighting prayer begins “Baruch atah Adonai”…but this year, it’s more like “Baruch atah Adon-OY!”

The last time Jews had such a bad “festival of lights,” Goebbels’ thugs were burning down their temples.

Due to threats from angry Akbars, their leftist allies, and even a few far-rightists who hate Jews but lack the nads to take action unless they can hide behind people of color, Hanukkah celebrations around the U.S. have been canceled. Menorah lighting ceremonies in Virginia, Louisiana, California, and D.C. have been scrapped.

The Washington Post, always at the cutting edge of fecal journalism, ran a piece about how these ceremonies aren’t being canceled because of Muslim threats or anti-Semitism, but because Jews are so ashamed of what Israel is doing in Gaza, they don’t want to celebrate anyway.

It’s the best WaPo piece since 2022’s “Salman Rushdie Didn’t Want That Extra Eye Anyhow.”

But the grand prize for shutting down Hanukkah goes to the Poles, where a leading far-right politician burst into a menorah-lighting ceremony in Parliament and snuffed the flames with a powder-filled fire extinguisher, which clogged the airways of attendees, causing breathing problems.

Baruch atah adenoids.

The politician, Grzegorz Braun (whose credentials as a “Polish nationalist” seem questionable as his surname doesn’t have idiotic consonants where they shouldn’t be), told reporters that Jews are “satanic” and Hanukkah is “Satan-worship.”

It’s great to see Poland moving on from being a global joke.

Did you hear about the Polish guy who tried to celebrate Hanukkah? He lit his Minolta, and ruined his holiday snaps. He tore his fingernails trying to get to the chocolate center of an actual gold coin. He danced the hora, then got beaten by her pimp when he wouldn’t pay.

Baruch atah Adonai-yi-yi.

BAH BAH BLACK SLEEP
Sandman? More like KLANNEDman.

Turns out sleep is racist.

Dr. Dayna Johnson of Emory University’s Rollins School of Public Health is on a nationwide crusade to spread the word that blacks can’t sleep because of racism. According to her, the only time her fellow blacks can slumber is via a right cross from a McDonald’s cashier.

In an interview last month with U Wisconsin’s Judith Siers-Poisson (and seriously, if you’re ever in Paris, you just have to try the Siers-Poisson), Johnson declared that whitey’s “racism and micro-aggressions” are preventing blacks from sleeping. Worse still, blacks develop sleep problems “vicariously” by reading about racism that happens to other blacks.

Seems like an argument to take Vox, Salon, and The Atlantic offline. Stop publishing “racism is everywhere” pieces, and maybe DeShawn can get de shuteye.

Also, it’s too bad Johnson doesn’t work at the Henry Rollins School of Public Health; five minutes of his pretentious “poetry” puts anyone to sleep.

Johnson lacks any actual evidence for her black sleeplessness theory, but she makes up for it by ending every sentence with “right?”

“…delaying sleep and interrupting sleep, right?”
“…we’re talking about interruptions in any one of those dimensions, right?”
“It’s a large range—between 4% and 80% of certain populations, right?”
“It’s heterogeneous, right?”
“We’re really faced with two major issues at that time, right?”
“We were encountering a lot of civil unrest, right?”
“The participants talked about how it could have been them, right?”
“This is due to historic racist policies such as redlining, right?”
“Sleep is linked to pretty much everything, right?”
“So we have a healthier workforce, right?”
“You can work one job and increase that opportunity for sleep, right?”

It’s unclear who started the fad of vacuous talking heads ending every sentence with “right?” but almost certainly it was WilmerHale.

That said, if blacks are having trouble sleeping, it’s not necessarily a bad thing. Here’s a classic poem about a scrappy little honors student whose sleepless Christmas Eve led to a night of magical wonder…

A VISIT FROM ST. NIGGALESS
’Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the crib,
Only DeShawn was stirring, nibbling on a McRib.
’Twasn’t much of a meal, yet still it was all,
That remained from the evening’s McDonaldland brawl.
Fries were served tepid, so DeShawn and his friends,
Leapt o’er the counter to kick some rear ends.
When the cops came a-running, DeShawn quickly did leave.
But LaQuanda was captured, as was her weave.
Now DeShawn sat bereft, with no scalding spuds,
When up on the roof came a series of thuds.
“Could it be Santa? ’Cause that’d be great,”
Said DeShawn, as he grabbed his loaded .38.
“I’ll steal that damn sack, keep it for myself,
And if Santa complains, I’ll put one in his elf.”
Climbing onto the roof, DeShawn reacted with dread,
“Aw damn, it ain’t Santa, just some homeless crackhead.”
Laying a finger aside of his nose,
The stranger snorted some coke and recited his prose.
“I ain’t no damn crackhead; shut up wit’ them lies,
I’m BLM Santa, and I brung you hot fries.”
“BLM Santa?” cried DeShawn, “I must be trippin’,
I thought you wuz a myth, like a black diner who’s tippin’.
But you totally real, with Rudolph’s red-nose a’ lightin’!”
“That’s a pitbull,” said Santa, “blood-red from dog-fightin’.”
And with that, Santa produced a pallet of fries,
Hot as Hades itself, each pouch super-size.
“Merry Christmas,” said Santa, as he climbed in his sleigh.
Then a great noise rang out; DeShawn shot him anyway.
“Sorry, Santa,” he said, “for this violent endeavor,
But with your magical bag, I’ll have hot fries forever.”
And who can blame him? The temptation too strong to pass on,
“So I’m dropping the charges,” said D.A. George Gascon.
And they heard DeShawn exclaim as the court sat in disquiet,
“Merry Crisp-spuds to all, and to all, a good riot.”