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The Week’s Most Teeming, Scheming, and I-Have-a-Dreaming Headlines

A SCOOBY JEW MYSTERY!
Today’s episode: The Case of the Haunted Brownstone.

Crown Heights, Brooklyn: For weeks, people living in the area were hearing voices coming from their walls and floorboards.

“Honey, I think we have ghosts in the walls.”

“What are they saying? Are they pining for lost loves? Crying out to avenge their deaths?”

“Uh, no. They’re arguing over whether the brisket’s too dry.”

Yes, some walls wail, while others just kvetch.

Turns out the “ghostly” voices were Orthodox Lubavitcher Jews from the neighborhood’s Chabad HQ. The Hasidics had built secret tunnels connecting the HQ to other Lubavitcher buildings, in the process snaking under and in between other people’s homes.

The construction noise went unnoticed. But typical Jews, they just couldn’t stop talking for ten damn minutes.

Last week the NYPD descended on the tunnels, and the Lubavitchers were Lubevicted. Dramatic footage showed black-clad Hasids attempting to escape by climbing out of sewers—an odd sight, as typically for Jews “sewer” isn’t a noun but a command you give your lawyer after a fender-bender involving a female driver.

One of the Ortho-doxed Jews told the Post, “I regret nothing; the brisket was too dry.”

Zoynks, Scoob!

HARD ROCK CAFE
Albuquerque is George Soros country—one of the most violent and crime-ridden cities in the nation, thanks to the “progressive” Soros DA Raul Torrez.

Several years ago, one of Albuquerque’s leading lights, a homeless schizophrenic named Edelidio Wallace (part of the city’s elite Toofargonquin Round Table), threw a rock with “pay up!” Sharpied on it through the window of a Mexican restaurant. Cops asked him why he did it, and Wallace replied, “All Messican restaurants owe me money.”

Prosecutors rationally explained that the restaurant owners don’t even know who he is, and it’s not realistic to think that “all Mexicans” would owe him money. And with that, Wallace was released.

Reason and not incarceration won the day!

Then Wallace threw “pay up!” rocks through the windows of more than a dozen more Mexican restaurants. Torrez was stymied. “Obviously, we can’t institutionalize the man! That goes against the holy word of Soros.” One suggestion was to ban Sharpies, but that would’ve negatively affected the city’s bustling graffiti industry. So Wallace was enrolled in a multimillion-dollar taxpayer-funded mental health program, to convince him, via logic not punishment, that Mexican restaurant owners don’t owe him money.

And it worked! Last year, Wallace “graduated” from the program, a reformed man. “Never again,” said he, “shall I throw a rock through a Mexican restaurant window demanding money I’m not owed.” There were tears aplenty as Wallace boarded a bus for a new life in a new city. And once again, decarceration and deinstitutionalization had prevailed!

And then last week in Los Angeles Wallace threw rocks Sharpied with “pay up!” through the windows of more than a dozen Jewish restaurants throughout the city.

Perhaps Albuquerque’s “mental health” facilities are as crappy as everything else in that town.

Poor Jews; their tunnels destroyed in NYC, their restaurants destroyed in L.A. Like young Kamala Harris at a party filled with men who could help her career, Jews are taking it in both ends at the same time.

LIKE FLIES TO FRYPAPER
Continuing the “mental health” thread, remember Steve Stephens? He was a “behavioral health specialist” in Cleveland. In April 2017, Stephens, a black gentleman, got into an argument with his girlfriend. Being a “mental health professional,” he realized that the only way to mend the relationship was to Facebook livestream the murder of a random pedestrian while screaming, “You made me do this, bitch. Happy now?”

After killing a complete stranger (a 74-year-old man), Stephens hightailed it out of Cleveland, as, within hours, his name, face, and car had been plastered across the nation (that’s what happens when you’re on camera doing a murder).

But then Stephens saw a McDonald’s. Yes, he knew he had to flee quick…but…fries!

As Stephens pulled into the drive-through, the workers, who’d seen the APB, recognized him. They called police and—swear to God, this is no joke—kept him there by saying that they were making his fries extra hot, and it would take a few minutes.

The ruse worked. Police arrived, and Stephens shot himself.

The fries went uneaten, a tragic moment in black history (known in black culture as the “Cleveland Race Friot”).

Last week, black actress Taraji Henson, who’s either a more-attractive-than-normal hedgehog or a less-attractive-than-normal human female, went on a whining tour regarding the daily “racism” she faces. Henson, star of the current Color Purple remake, wept at a presser while explaining that even though she gets $10 million a movie, “half goes to Uncle Sam” and “one-third goes to my entourage.”

Because by all means, don’t ever vote Republican (cutting taxes for the rich is literally the only thing that worthless party still does; might as well make use of it), and don’t consider reducing your entourage (is it really necessary to employ ten “weave wranglers”?).

Henson also complained that she’s expected to drive herself to the studio. She declared that she needs “a driver and security” to make sure she gets to work on time.

And she has a point. No matter how badly a black American needs to get somewhere, or get out of somewhere, they will stop for fries.

McDonald’s is missing a huge opportunity; now that every movie and TV show has to be black, have mobile McDs on every set.

Just make sure the fryer is plenty hot; celebrity tantrums are bad enough without putting cold fries in the mix.

BLAQUAFINA
Say goodbye to youth football in California! Sacramento lawmakers (119 Democrats and one Republican who’s certain that this is the year he’ll finally end abortion in the state) are banning “tackle football” for minors.

This is being done “to reduce brain injuries.”

Odd, as the state does nothing to reduce the brain injuries of adults sucker punched by blacks in Oakland.

Should the tackle-ban pass, the only allowable type of football for minors will be “flag football,” which initially excited San Francisco State Senator Scott Wiener, until he saw the “l” in “flag.”

That said, perhaps no-contact football is the better choice in a state where a six-foot, 200-pound teen can identify as a woman and play against girls.

This same California legislature also just approved the use of sewage as drinking water. When presented with two options for dealing with the state’s dry years—No. 1, building more reservoirs to capture rainfall during the record wet years like 2023, or No. 2, drinking poop, the legislators chose No. 2 (once again exciting Scott Wiener), proving that the brain-damage issues run beyond football.

On the plus side, the state’s street-dwelling homeless will now be able to make a decent living supplying “water” to Cali residents.

This is a state where Skittles are being banned because there’s a 0.000007 percent chance the red dye might be harmful to lab rats. But the legislators who’ve spent $10 billion on a “high speed rail” line that goes from your ass to your elbow (that is, of course, sarcasm…there’s still not enough track laid to go that far) assure citizens that the poop will be properly treated before being pumped into their homes.

And if you believe that, you believe that Gavin Newsom observed his own mask mandates.

MEH-HEE-CO? MORE LIKE MEH-SHEE-CO
Last week was not a pleasant one for Mexican President Andrés Manuel Lopéz Obrador (considering the fact that Mexican presidents never have good news to deliver, it’s always best for them to have many names, because their constituents possess such short attention spans, by the time they finish reading the name, they forget what they’re reading about). President Mexican Phone Book was at a political event where he joked about one of the attendees being “a man in a dress.” Turns out “Ru Paul Rodriguez” is a tranny lawmaker from Obrador’s own party! And now President Juan Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt has learned the hard way that you never refer to a tranny as a “man in a dress.”

“I am a woman…and that is not up for discussion,” federal legislator Salma Luévano told the “Mexican press” (a chicken that can hunt-and-peck a typewriter). And now Mexican trannies are in such a huff, they may stage a protest by not leaving for the U.S.

Meanwhile in Ecuador, drug cartels took over a TV station during a live broadcast, to protest the government’s crackdown on crime. Storming the country’s version of CNN (Sí-NN), the thugs demanded the release of imprisoned cartel members and a 24-hour Christina Aguilera channel to celebrate the literal only Ecuadorean to ever do anything culturally popular in the outside world.

Sadly, the hostage drama was for naught, as the TV station is too poor to afford actual cameras, so the cartel members had issued their demands to a tin can on a stick.

As cartel violence rages throughout Ecuador, Peru has sealed its border with the nation, which is kind of like Rain Man moving to a different seat on the short bus because he considers it beneath him to sit next to I Am Sam.

The only thing certain about the current unrest in Ecuador is that it will lead to a million more “refugees” crossing the U.S. border. And lest you fear that the Biden Administration, facing the lowest poll numbers in history on immigration, might slow border crossings in an election year, worry not—Rashida Tlaib had generously donated Hamas paragliders to the invaders.

Flying frijoles…coming soon to NYC.