January 28, 2024
The Week’s Most Humping, Lumping, and Border-Jumping Headlines
EXTERMINATION CHARGING STATION
You can’t spell “never again” without “EV.”
Last week Elon Musk faced a revolt from Tesla owners fed up with the lack of “supercharger” stations to jolt up their vehicles. According to Tesla enthusiasts in NYC, it takes an average of 90 minutes waiting in line to get access to the chargers.
Sure, everyone’s in a sentimental mood these days regarding Jimmy Carter; dude’s wife died, and the man himself has reached “stage-4 Biden” on the dementia scale.
Still, Carter nostalgia is no reason to re-create 1970s gas lines. Especially when there’s no actual gas involved.
For his part, last week Musk—as his Tesla customers mourned the lack of juice—was in Poland mourning the lack of Jews. Musk toured Auschwitz with Ben Shapiro (they got in half-price because Shapiro has a season pass). Walking through the gates of the Birkenau train depot, the VIPs and their entourage were met with a Jumbotron playing archival film of Jewish transports arriving at the camp in 1944. The solemn footage was interrupted by a black guy hawking Geico, because even Auschwitz streaming isn’t ad-free these days (unless you spring for Auschwitz+, which gives you access to the new talk show John Goodman’s Gas Chamber, in which the renowned actor interviews newsworthy guests in an enclosed room while eating chili).
Musk hasn’t been the only high-profile VIP to visit Auschwitz recently; California Governor Newsom, secretly hoping that Biden beats Carter to the Pearly Gates (kýrie malaison), recently made a trip as well. When told that the Auschwitz train tracks have sat dormant and decaying for almost eighty years, the “totally not running” Dem presidential contender, reflecting on his state’s trillion-dollar twenty-year-unused fossilized “high speed rail” lines, remarked, “Damn, those Nazis were good.”
THAT OLD BLACK MAGIC
There’s a standoff in Texas! After SCOTUS ruled that the Biden Administration can dismantle the state’s razor-wire border barriers (courtesy of swing vote Amy Coney Barrett, who was concerned that the deadly obstacles might slow the flow of Third World children for her to adopt), Texas Governor Abbott is standing…well, sitting firm.
It’s the Alamo all over again. Except in this war against Biden, the rallying cry is “Remember the a-lame-o.”
And when Kamala Harris cackled her support for dismantling the barriers, the cry became “Remember the a-lay-ho.”
And when Pete Buttigieg tried to intervene, he inspired the cry “Remember the a-gay-bro.”
Turns out the United Nations is using U.S. tax dollars to pay for the migrant caravan invasions. Worse still, according to Axios, the new enrichers are bringing not just crime and disease but witchcraft! Apparently, Afro-Latin immigrants are re-embracing Santeria and other brujería in order to “reconnect with their roots” (which American black women do every day when they rip out each other’s weaves during fast-food brawls).
Voodoo hasn’t exactly paid dividends for the Haitians. They live in sewers, die by the score from disease, poverty, and violence, and every few years a hurricane or earthquake kills a million of ’em. If you’ve ever been to Haiti, the place isn’t protected by brujeria but poo-jeria, and the only thing it wards off is cleanliness.
Axios quotes Eric Labrado, “who owns a witch shop in Austin, Texas,” as saying “brujería opens up a lot of doorways to get back to our history.”
Well, if one’s “history” involves slithering in human waste, it would seem that razor wire would bring back fond memories. By making illegals crawl under barbed wire through rivers of filth, Governor Abbott’s giving the newcomers a deeply spiritual, indigenous experience.
Remember the urinal-amo.
SÍ, SIGH, SUE
Of course, it’s not just Texas that’s having immigrant issues. “Sanctuary city” Chicago’s flooded with illegals, and the local blacks don’t like it, especially as the newcomers have been showered with freebies.
In Chi-town, EBT’s supposed to mean “Emmett’s Bountiful Till,” not “Every Bean gets Tacos.”
The rebellion against Chicago’s largesse toward illegals is being led by a black Democrat named Cata Truss, not to be confused with Truss-a-Cat, a company that will come to your home and tie up your cat so you can open a can of tuna without being pestered (if that sounds like a poor business model, it’s still turning more of a profit than the L.A. Times).
Truss told the FP that migrants are ruining Amundsen Park, “the crown jewel of the black community” (because if you walk through there with jewels, you get crowned).
“They’re giving migrants all the things we’ve been asking for since we came here in chains,” Truss declared as she walked through the no-down-payment house given to her by BofA as part of its “Homes for Homies” housing initiative while direct-depositing the six-figure check from her DEI job yelling at whites five hours a week as she fries up a Fabergé egg omelet paid for by PPP funds that were supposed to go to an orphanage (“It taste like crap, but dang, it crunchy”).
Truss’ lawsuit is backed by the local NAACP, which also backs the far-left mayor’s sanctuary city policies. When asked how the esteemed org can, at the same time, support illegal immigrant welfare while also suing to stop it, Chicago NAACP chief LaDunceford Tardamon took a drag on a joint and said, “Got any fries?”
The Truss lawsuit is complicated by the fact that nobody outside of Chicago cares about Chicago—the windy city that makes all other Americans say “blow me.”
WAR OF THE NOSES
The Oscar noms are out! And this year’s Best Actor contest is shaping up to be a hoot.
Correction: a hooter.
As a Puerto Rican once asked, “D’ju knows who’s gonna win?”
Yes, Jew nose is who’s gonna win.
The two main contenders: Bradley Cooper, the handsome gentile who, in his role as Leonard Bernstein, employed a fake schnoz that looks like Woody Woodpecker’s beak. In the film, the honker is put to good use in the scene in which Bernstein pecks out Steven Sondheim’s eye while going “hah-hah-hah-HAH-hah!”
Up against Cooper is Cillian Murphy, a gentile who went the opposite route to play Alan Oppenheimer. Rather than sporting a Groucho nose, Murphy (this is true) ate nothing but one almond a day for three months to emaciate his face so that his own nose appeared larger.
Even if he doesn’t win, Murphy’s book The Bergen-Belsen Diet: A Frank Approach to Jewface is already a bestseller.
Snubbed for a nom was Helen Mirren, who portrayed Golda Meir in a flop that earned only $6 million at the box office (though some say that figure’s inflated).
Mirren played Meir with a snout from the Jimmy Durante collection, though she was quick to tell Vanity Fair that it wasn’t a “fake nose” per se, but just “fake bridge and tip.” Her nose hairs were unaltered, so of course you can’t call it a “fake nose”!
The big question: Where do professional Jewish whiners stand on the Great Nasal Battle? Where’s the ADL? Where’s Sarah Silverman, who sees swastikas in sandwiches yet performed alongside Cooper in Maestro?
One can hear Wiesenthal Center dean Marvin Hier (nose courtesy of the Heckle and Jeckle collection): “It’s da ultimate posthumous defeat for Hitlah! We’ll make all da gentiles wear Jew noses, so when da next Holahcaust comes, dey can’t tell us apaht.”
Stupid as that sounds, it’s not nearly as reality-detached as the guy who thought Bradley Cooper’s “pre-op Laura Loomer” beak looked even remotely realistic.
Like a herpes cold sore, Taylor Lorenz can’t stop returning. The Washington Post’s fraudulent “Gen Z” social media reporter, who’s actually in her 40s or older (as a “social media” reporter, it’s only appropriate that she’s a living meme: “how do you do, fellow kids?”), has shifted focus from canceling legitimate journalists, doxxing rightists, and weeping about mean tweets, to becoming the poster girl for “long Covid,” which she claims to have.
One could say that Lorenz is the “WWII pinup girl” for the battle against long Covid, but that would muddy the waters, as Lorenz is so old she actually was a WWII pinup girl.
Claiming to have “neverending Covid” (Limahl’s follow-up to his 1984 hit), last week Lorenz blasted every other human in America for no longer locking down and masking up. Indeed, she claimed that the Covid “variants” created by you are “committing genocide in Gaza.”
Substituting germs for Jews is either the worst anti-Jew libel in history, or the best pro-Jew deflection.
Lorenz went further, claiming that your refusal to mask means that she can’t go to the grocery store to buy food (she was going to say “buy bread for my family,” but then she realized she’s such an odious creature, she has no family).
But wait…if Lorenz has “permanent Covid,” why is she worried about catching it? She’s old enough to remember AIDS (hell, she’s old enough to remember polio), and the thing about that disease was, once you got full-blown AIDS, you couldn’t get AIDSier.
Rock Hudson: “I’m worried about getting more AIDS.”
Marc Christian: “Sweetie, your blood cells lost so much white, your doctor calls your arteries Detroit. Your white-count’s so low, it could be a Harvard freshman class. Your blood vessels are so nonwhite, bacteria won’t walk through them at night. Bend over, Rock-baby—you’ve nothing to lose.”
If Lorenz believes she has forever Covid, doesn’t that mean she’s the menace? The Typhoid Mummy? (Get it? She’s old.) And even the most strident anti-mask anti-lockdowner probably wouldn’t mind if Lorenz were forcibly quarantined for the rest of her life.
Nobody would mind.