February 04, 2024

Source: Wikimedia Commons

The Week’s Most Veering, Peering, and Leap-Yearing Headlines

SOMEWHERE OVER THE BRAIN-SLOW
It was the greatest unsolved mystery of our time.

D.B. Cooper? The Black Dahlia? The Zodiac killer? Dudley Moore’s movie career (dude was five feet tall…how the hell did he become a romantic lead in the 1980s)?

No, bigger than all those combined: the theft of Dorothy’s Wizard of Oz ruby slippers. In 2005, the priceless shoes were stolen from the Judy Garland Museum in Grand Rapids, Minnesota. And if you’re wondering, the Garland Museum is in Grand Rapids because that’s where she was born, though, considering her fanbase, the museum might’ve been better suited to Fruitland, Knob Lick, Swisher, Homosassa, Cumby, or Boy River.

For two decades, the cops have been baffled by the theft. Attempts to gain info from the Grand Rapids gay community were complicated by the fact that suspects kept coming back for additional strip searches.

Well, now the mystery’s finally solved. 76-year-old “retired mobster” Terry Martin confessed to the crime last week. When asked why he stole the shoes, he explained (this isn’t a joke) that he thought they were “priceless” because they contained real rubies (in fact, they’re “priceless” because of their memorabilia value…the “rubies” are just props).

It’s starting to make sense why Somalis move to Minnesota. Where else can they be the high-IQ ones?

A search of Martin’s home revealed a basement filled with kidnapped dwarfs. “I thought they were Munchkins,” he explained to investigators, “and I wanted their pot o’ gold.”

When informed that it’s leprechauns, not Munchkins, who do the gold pot thing, and both are fictional anyway, Martin sighed and admitted, “I’m not smart.”

The judge sentenced Martin to time served. It was a better deal than Kenneth Smith, the Alabama hitman-for-hire executed last week for killing a woman in 1988. Smith became the first U.S. convict executed via nitrogen, though in a tragic error the prison staff mistakenly ordered nitrous (Alabama—The Illiterate State), and Smith died laughing because his voice sounded like a Munchkin’s.

His corpse has gone missing…oh Terry Martin, will you ever learn?

AUSCHWIFT
Last week was a complicated one for “resting duck-face” Elon Musk. On one hand, Jan. 27 was Holocaust Remembrance Day, which on Musk-era Twitter means Denial Memes Day (Musk flaunts his tolerance of Holocaust denial as proof of his free-speech advocacy).

“Taylor Swift is like Hinduism. A billion people are into it, but if you’re not one of ’em, you don’t have a clue why.”

But there’s a problem. If 50 percent of Twitter is Holocaust deniers, it appears that 48 percent is people posting AI nudes of Taylor Swift (the remaining 2 percent is just Steve Sailer and Will Stancil debating in a thread so endless it makes readers wonder if either man ever sleeps; indeed, the thread is so infinite, some believe it’s the literal incarnation of Nietzsche’s abyss…gaze into it and you become the dude in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade who chose the wrong cup).

Why are Twitterers posting AI nudes of Taylor Swift? You might as well ask why she’s the most popular singer on the planet. There are some things humankind isn’t meant to understand. Taylor Swift is like Hinduism. A billion people are into it, but if you’re not one of ’em, you don’t have a clue why.

For Musk, the Swift nudefakes were a perineum bridge too far. He ordered all searches for Taylor Swift blocked on the site, lest any of the AI fakers get traffic.

A tantalizing conundrum: What if a tweeter combines a Holocaust denial meme with a Taylor Swift nudefake? Would it be blocked, or would it be promoted? AI Taylor Swift being pleasured by a narwhal while screaming “Holohoax!” and “wooden doors!”

This could be Musk’s “Liar Paradox,” and in theory—considering that he’s almost certainly a replicant or cyborg, it might make him self-destruct like the robots on Star Trek.

“Holocaust denial must be promoted!”

“Swift deepfakes must be blocked!”

Here’s a meme of a Taylor Swift deepfake denying the Holocaust.

“ALLOW! DENY! ALLOW! DENY! DOES NOT COMPUTE! DOES NOT COMPUTE!”

Explosion.

R.I.P. Elon Musk…short-circuited like the flammable cars he sold.

LOWERING THE AKBAR
Call it Horton Hears an Allahu (by Dr. Jude Seuss).

It was supposed to be the worst Islamophobic atrocity since Anthony Quinn’s nose in Lawrence of Arabia. Last November in Burlington, three Palestinian college students were walking down the street…which sounds suspiciously like the beginning of a joke.

“Three Palestinians walk into a bar. Then they rape the women and blow the place up.”

Palestinians are better on setup than punchline.

Anyway, last November Abdul, Scarabdul, and Gabagooldul were walking through Burlington when they were shot by a white guy. They survived, but one was paralyzed from the chest down (thankfully, GoFundMe raised enough to buy him a paraplegic suicide van). Because the shooter was white, the incident was used as a field-leveler by Joe Biden and the press: Sure, Palis raped and murdered 1,200 Jews on October 7th, but one lone white guy shot THREE Palis in Vermont. So it’s all even.

But now that the case has moved from the press to the courts, there’s a rend in the narrative. Turns out the white shooter was a deranged leftist Hamas supporter. After ranting online about defending Palestinians, he charged out of his ramshackle home and gunned down the first people he saw in his 88 percent white city.

And they turned out to be the town’s only Palestinians.

Now that’s a funny joke.

There’s an irony to this: Palestinians spread pro-Hamas propaganda, then hide in one of the whitest cities in the U.S., only to be mistaken for white and gunned down by a mentally ill white who bought their propaganda.

Hoist by their own fatward.

The gunman, James Eaton, is facing a variety of charges.

He’s also the new Middle East correspondent for The Guardian.

THE DIVERSITY TRAINS “COME” ON TIME
How can you tell a Jewish Texan?

He wears a ten-gallon hat but swears it’s 6 million.

He not only remembers the Alamo, he passes legislation to create Alamo Remembrance Month.

He won’t use the term “lone star state” because he has a bad history with single-star armbands.

Real-life Streicher caricature George Soros is vacationing in Texas, spending billions to flip the state by importing more immigrants. And not just Mexicans, but Hindus and Muslims, who (according to Foreign Policy) are rapidly turning the state blue.

Of course, Chamber of Commerce Republicans will argue that Central/South Asians are good for business, what with how they’re always the first to let the elderly know that their Microsoft Windows has a virus. But last week in Germany, commuters had an experience that might foreshadow what awaits Texas as Soros imports browns from half a world away.

Afghan “refugees” in Germany have a fetish for masturbating on train tracks.

Why? Who knows. Maybe after you’ve had the thrill of coupling with a donkey, the next adrenaline rush is wanking in the path of a locomotive. But this is a true story—last week all rail traffic in the Kassel region was halted by Afghans slappin’ it on the tracks.

These Stone Age humper-gatherers totally redefine “handcar.”

Behold the new Afghan-influenced take on a classic American folk ballad:

I’ve been jerkin’ on the railroad,
All the livelong day.
I’ve been jerkin’ on the railroad,
Since they took my mule away.
Without my sexual partner,
My dating life’s a fail,
So I’ve been jerkin’ on the railroad,
As my hand-crank “oils” the rail.

ODUMB AND ODUMBER
Does The Week That Perished reflect the news cycle…or drive it?

Two weeks ago this column highlighted the misadventures of Willie Odom, the illiterate black diversity hire who, in 1993, piloted a barge into a train trestle in Mobile, Alabama, causing a derailment that killed 47 commuters who either drowned or burned to death in the fuel fire. Odom couldn’t read a map or understand radar, but he’d been put in charge of the craft anyway, because something something enrichment something something Cuba Gooding as Radio.

Following The Week’s Odom callback, the hugely popular YouTube channel “Fascinating Horror” (1.15 million subscribers) ran an Odom counterpoint, in which the host/narrator, an Edinburgh-based gent who never reveals his name, argued that Odom was actually the hero of the disaster.

As U.K. law prevents him from speaking ill of a person of color, the host purposely mispronounces Odom as “oh-dehm,” as saying the word “dumb” in association with a POC might lead to arrest, even if that’s the correct pronunciation.

How grand it must be to live in the U.K., the cradle of the English language, now forcing purposeful mispronunciation lest bobbies give you a floggin’ on the noggin.

While grudgingly ceding that after killing those people, “Oh-Dehm” (as in, “oh dem people I dun drownded”) was only concerned about losing his job, the host declared that Odom was the hero of the day because after the barge crew dragged one of the burned, dying passengers from the water, Odom, noticing that the dying man had lost his shoes, brought him a pair of slippers.

So that makes everything all right!

Maybe that’s the best course for today’s DEI advocates who want every airplane pilot and air traffic controller to be an unqualified black. Just offer consolation slippers to those maimed by the consequences.

“Feets don’t derail me now!”

Durable all-cotton slippers with rubber soles featuring affirmative traction so you can keep your footing as your train or plane crashes.

Forget Odor-Eaters. The new footwear for the DEI age is Odom-Eaters.

Sorry, Oh-DEHM-Eaters. As in, “Oh, dem days when you didn’t have to worry that your pilot was an illiterate tard!”


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