Austin, Texas

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The Week’s Clingiest, Stringiest, and Springiest Headlines

SXSS
The South by Southwest (SXSW) film and music festival in Austin is no stranger to disruption. In 2014, a man named Rashad Charjuan Owens plowed through the crowd in his SUV, killing four. Why’d he do it? It was springtime; there were no Christmas parades.

The motive? Considering that he’s a black man with “char” in his name, it certainly had something to do with cold food.

This year, the SXSW controversy involves Jews. One of the festival’s sponsors is the U.S. Army, and over a hundred bands have pulled out to protest Israel’s Gaza war, the argument being that the Army’s too chummy with the IDF. Funny enough, not a single band ever canceled back when Obama was drone-bombing thousands of “brown people.” Indeed, it was standing-room-only when Obama premiered his award-winning film, Drone of Interest.

The U.S. Army bombs thousands of browns? “Where’s the stage, dude, I gotta do sound-check.”

Israel’s in a war? “Boycott the U.S. Army, man. Teach them Jews a lesson.”

Remember, most musicians are morons, and even the ones who weren’t born that way fried their brains on drugs in their teens.

According to The Hill, the bands that canceled include “Squirrel Flower, Mamalarky, and Kneecap,” which sounds like Joe Biden when he gets away from the Secret Service and goes wandering on the White House lawn.

“Squirrel! Flower!”

“Mr. President, please come back inside; you might hurt yourself.”

“Mamalarky!”

(Biden trips and falls to the ground.)

“Owwwwww…kneecap!”

Sadly, the best anti-Israel concert has already come and gone. Very Burning Man, organized by Aaron Bushnell.

THE WINDED CITY
It’s the annual springtime thaw in Chicago. That’s when the ice melts and residents see the corpses of the murder victims that’ve been buried under snow the past four months.

This year, though, something’s in the air, and it ain’t just the odor of DaShawn’s thawed corpse.

The day before the primary for Cook County State’s Attorney (DA) was probably the wrong day for an Illinois District Judge to rule that illegal immigrants have a right to own firearms. Obama appointee Sharon Coleman declared that illegal bean Heriberto Carbajal-Flores should be allowed to own guns restriction-free, after the “newcomer” wowed her with the argument that he only had the guns to “shoot theee leaves” because leaf blowers cause climate change.

However, last Tuesday was the primary election to replace outgoing DA Kim Foxx, the frog-mouthed Soros-backed ghetto girl who declined to run for another term because “if I don’t open dat weave shop now, I ain’t never gon’ do it.”

Running to replace Foxx: a somewhat tough-on-crime white female judge, and a “free every inmate of color” extremist black guy with the Dem Party endorsement. And thanks to Coleman’s ruling, Chicago’s blacks—the city’s most formidable bloc—have visions of armed illegal Venezuelans and Hondurans rampaging through their neighborhoods and robbing the goooood stores before the blacks get the chance.

Black Americans don’t fear much, but they fear armed beans, the only demographic that doesn’t fear them.

So, as of this moment, the “somewhat tough-on-crime” white woman is leading the “give all murderers a hug and a gift basket” black guy. The DA’s race got so hot following Coleman’s ruling, more Chicagoans voted in the DA primary than the presidential one.

The race has yet to be decided because the Democrats are busy collecting votes from the thawed corpses.

KABLAMNESTY
Sticking with Chicago, a city so enriched by diversity foreign and domestic that the locals are practically dying of happiness (correction: That’s literally dying of nappiness), more enrichment took place last week at a popular Little Village gay nightclub (ironically, the same neighborhood where the gun-toting bean from the previous story lives).

A proud Venezuelan tranny emerged from the club, looking forward to spending the rest of the night patronizing businesses and yelling at the clerks “¡llámame señora!”

However, “her” plans were ruined when a car pulled up and a Hispanic man shouted “bad gay” and shot the tranny in the groin, blowing “her” penis to kingdom cum.

Free sex changes! Is there nothing illegals can’t do?

Turns out the shooter’s a 29-year-old cartel-linked Venezuelan. And Kim Foxx refused to prosecute.

It’s a good thing she’s not running again, because she’d have trannies and Jews against her, the latter because that Venezuelan did with one cheap bullet what Doctors Sheinbloom and Lipzenschitz at Northwestern Memorial charge $100,000 to do.

Oddly, Governor DeSantis doesn’t want any of this enrichment in Florida. DeSantis “is deploying 250 law enforcement officers and an air-and-sea fleet to curb a potential wave of Haitian immigrants.”

Last week in Florida’s primary the GOP flipped a bunch of seats.

Wonder if there’s any connection?

To be fair to Haitians, when they shoot the penises off trannies, they don’t leave ’em littering the sidewalk like that thoughtless Venezuelan. They eat ’em.

As DeSantis patrolled the sea to block Haitians, the Dominican Republic constructed a 100-mile border wall, literally overnight (because Steve Bannon wasn’t there to steal the pesos), to keep Haitians out.

Poor Haitians…they must feel so unwanted. Unwanted by their fellow man, and—with thousands of them dying each month via cyclones, hurricanes, floods, famine, disease, and earthquakes—apparently unwanted by the earth itself.

SHIVERY SCOTUS SHINDIGS
A Jewish man, fed up with his frigid female co-religionists, decides to frequent a black bar, as he’d heard that black women are wild in bed. He meets a lady, and after a few drinks they get a room, where the man has the greatest sex of his life.

The next day he notices that his “member” looks browner. By day 2 it’s brown as a football. By day 3, black as a bowling ball. After a battery of tests, his doctor tells him that amputation is the only solution. Unwilling to face that possibility, the man visits a black doctor for a second opinion.

The black doctor immediately says to the man, “Lemme guess—you had sex with a black girl, and now your penis is black.”

“Yes,” the man answers.

“And the white doctors wanna cut it off.”

“Yes,” he says mournfully.

“Listen,” the doc reassuringly states, “I’ve seen this before. No need to amputate. No need at all.”

“Oh thank God,” the man cries.

“Yeah,” says the doctor, “one or two more days it’ll fall off on its own.”

Sometimes the coupling of a Jewish man and a black woman produces a risqué joke. Sometimes it produces Adam Serwer, a human joke and the craziest muthafinkel on the left. Last week, Mr. “Glatt Meets Gat” claimed in The Atlantic that the three liberal SCOTUS justices only sided with the majority in restoring Trump to the Colorado ballot because they felt threatened by “violent backlash from Trump supporters.”

And this is why Americans hate the media. The Atlantic editors know that isn’t true. If they genuinely believed that three female SCOTUS justices were being threatened by MAGAs, it’d be a page-one news story, not an op-ed. It’s the dishonesty that turns people off, misinformation by editors who know better.

Not that SCOTUS justices don’t harbor legitimate fears. Sotomayor is scared of global warming, because a world in which dying trees produce no leaves would render 90 percent of her family unemployed. And Jackson? Three feet of water. She’s the only justice on the bench who could be kept from court by a kiddie pool.

YASS, A MASSA
American history’s been harsh for girls who want to simultaneously wink, stick out their tongue, and give the middle finger while lip-synching to music. In Puritan times, such women were burned as witches. During the Revolutionary War, they were shunned by Ben Franklin as the only type of skank he wouldn’t date (and he’d been known to screw lifeforms that had yet to be identified by science).

During Prohibition, a generation of young men sobered up and discovered that “this crap isn’t attractive at all.” And during the Red Scare, uglyface/finger/synching was seen as communist subversion.

Joe McCarthy: “I put it to the witness that she’s a tool of the Politburo.”

Brittany: “ERR-MAH-GERD, have you no DERCENCY?”

McCarthy: “No what?”

Brittany: “DERCENCY! DERCENCY!”

McCarthy: “I don’t understand you!”

Roy Cohn (shaking his head): “And they wonder why I never got married.”

McCarthy: “No they don’t.”

And then TikTok arrived, and uglyface/finger/synch girls became superstars. See, that’s how TikTok established dominance. As Facebook and Twitter were stifling growth with shadowbans, to the extent that users would be grateful for just one new follower, TikTok was like, “Do bimbo uglyface and you’ll get 100,000 followers immediately!”

It was a good business model; too bad it was employed by the Chinese for espionage.

And now Congress wants to take it all away. And that doesn’t sit well with Rand Paul, a huge fan of uglyface (as are all Ayn Rand acolytes). Also, Paul happens to be the recipient of big money from Jeff Yass, a mogul who could lose up to $30 bil if TikTok is banned. Another Yass teat-suckler is Trump, who suddenly decided last week, “For some reason I don’t wanna ban TikTok after all!”

When called out on Yass’ influence, Trump “truthed” that it has nothing to do with money. TikTok’s demise would give Mark Zuckerberg new users, and Trump hates Zuckerberg.

And behold the lowered expectations of today’s political reality: Trump’s accused of flipping because of influence peddling, and when he replies, “No, I did it because of a petty personal grudge,” everyone’s like “Oh, well that’s better.”

ERR-MAH-GERD