Alexandria Ocasio Cortez

Source: Public Domain

The Week’s Most Gayish, Grayish, and Patriots’ Dayish Headlines

TAKING IT UP THE BUTT(ERFLY)
There was a time when leftists demanded that the entire world stand still for a bug. In 1995, when Steven Spielberg of Schindler’s List fame, Jeffrey Katzenberg of Disney fame, and David Geffen of anal sex fame tried to build a film studio in West L.A.’s coastal Ballona Wetlands, their plans were halted by local environmentalists who got an injunction because the project would’ve interfered with the mating grounds of the monarch butterfly.

The three most powerful men in Hollywood, torpedoed by a butterfly.

Butterfly is schmetterling in German, and as history buffs know, the Schmetterling was a Nazi missile project abandoned by Hitler at war’s end in 1945.

It took fifty years, but a schmetterling finally blew up some Jews.

The days of leftists using butterfly sex dens to force David Geffen to pull out of a real estate project (when the man won’t even pull out of Keanu Reeves) are long gone. The anti-growth leftists of the ’90s have been replaced by the “invite the world” immigration fanatics of today, who say to hell with butterflies and wetlands—we need tenements and Section 8 housing, and lots of concrete; nothing but concrete (a position held by Matt Yglesias, the only man on earth who masturbates to Brutalism).

So, with butterflies no longer a bulwark against progress, what can leftists use?

Trannies, of course! Last week the United Nations passed a resolution protecting the habitats of the “intersex.” Yes, the “intersex” are now a globally protected species! And The Independent, producing the most “wait, is this satire?” headline ever, declared “Climate change is hitting vulnerable Indonesian trans sex workers.”

And no, it’s not satire. “Indonesian trans sex workers” claim that heavy rains caused by climate change are ruining their business. Because it’s hard to yell “it’s ma’am; call me ma’am” when you’re drowned out by the din of a thunderstorm. So now all environmental concerns must be seen through the lens of “how does this affect trannies?”

All hail the ma’amarch butterfly.

SOUL-AR ECLIPSE
Of course, if world events are not being seen through the lens of “but how do trannies feel,” they’re seen from the perspective of “how can we make this about black people?”

Capital B is a “Black-led, nonprofit local and national news organization reporting for Black communities across the country.” One imagines the newsroom as a kind of Daily Planet, but with Perry Black barking orders at reporters:

“La’mpray, gimme 800 words on why cold onion rings are even worse than cold fries.”

“DeZeeza, gimme a column on why shooting someone who cuts you off in traffic is the only rational option.”

“Tykwando, I need a front-page feature: ‘Asians: the most punchable faces on earth.’”

Last week Capital B ran a story titled “Eclipse Fever Is Gripping Black Texans.”

“While the event will cast a brief shadow on life in Texas, it sheds a light on scientific fields that have been mainly out of reach for Black folks.”

“Journalist” Adam Mahoney doesn’t go into detail about the “out of reach of black folks” thing. Instead, his piece explains why blacks are skeered o’ the eclipse. Blacks have been advised to “stock up on several days’ worth of food, fuel, and water and be wary of traveling away from their homes,” just in case the eclipse brings the wrath of da Sun Duppy of da Goofa Man.

Of course, most American blacks aren’t as ignorant as Mahoney assumes. They know that the eclipse happened because your mamma so fat she went skydiving and blocked the sun.

Meanwhile, last week in Southfield, Michigan—71 percent black—a hoodie foodie shot up a Chipotle because the workers didn’t give him enough guacamole. Is there a connection between black people murdering strangers over food and “scientific fields being out of their reach”?

Tune in next week to Capital B, and read all about how the racist guacamole embargo has destroyed a generation of prospective black Einsteins.

GOOGLY-EYES WIDE SHUT
AOC has a problem with AI fakes. Which is ironic because AOC herself was once accused of being an AI fake. In 2021, Daily Beast editor Justin Baragona accused Tucker Carlson of faking an image of AOC: “So it appears Tucker’s producers added googly eyes to AOC in this image.”

Turned out the image was unaltered; the crazy eyes were totally real.

Baragona is Italian for “insane idiot” (back in the Old Country, the Baragonas were most notable for being the first family to stick a fork in an electrical socket).

But now AOC has seen actual fakes of herself—AI-generated porn featuring her likeness—and she’s not happy. Last week she told The Telegraph that she intends to propose a law prohibiting AI “deepfake porn.”

“It has real effects on the people victimized by it. Once you’ve seen it, you’ve seen it,” she said. Ironically, that’s the same problem with the new Road House.

AOC added, “It parallels the intention of physical rape and sexual assault, which is about power, domination, and humiliation.” This would be a stunning and brave statement against rape if it didn’t come from someone who’s totally cool with Hamas’ rape of Israeli hostages.

Indeed, last week Hamas told the media that it’s “misplaced” the forty hostages Israel wants returned in exchange for a ceasefire.

Have you looked under the couch cushions, Mukbar?

AOC’s now realized that maybe AI deepfakes have their uses. “Maybe make AI replicas of the hostages, and the Jews won’t know the difference,” she told Al Jizz-ear-a, a deepfake AI porn site for Muslims who enjoy ejaculating in the Eustachian tube.

And even that site rejects AOC’s googly eyes as too creepy.

FEELING PAIN? GHETTO-VER IT
Share the pain! That’s the message from Advil’s “Pain Equity Project,” announced last week via a video of black people discussing “pain bias.” The panelists claimed that blacks don’t get enough pain meds from doctors because doctors “never believe black people experience pain.”

Such “doctors” must never watch CNN, because if they did, they’d hear that everything puts black people in pain, from the glances of whites to standardized tests to incorrect fast-food orders to seeing an Asian strolling down the street.

Maybe it’s the constant crying wolf (“I bashed that white girl’s head in because her words gave me pain”) that creates the skepticism.

“I’m in pain, doctor!”

“Lemme guess—you saw a movie and the lead actor wasn’t black.”

“Yeah, it’s killin’ me!”

Two odd things about the “pain project.” One, you don’t need a doctor’s permission to take Advil. You in pain? Buy some Advil, brutha. Hell, you won’t even get busted for shoplifting some. Ain’t that good enough?

Maybe blacks just need to be told what “OTC” means.

Also, whites (white children especially) are overprescribed opioids more often than blacks, and it’s literally killing them. That blacks wanna get “equalized” on this is insane. The desire to have everything the white man has apparently extends even to premature death.

“Doc, I’ze in pain! Gimme dat fendinol.”

“Sir, federal regulations require that I can’t…”

“You racist, Doc! I’ze suin’ you for pain bias!”

“Okay, okay, here’s a mason jar of it.”

“I don’t need da mace; I just need da pills.”

A week later at the funeral:

“Lazondo Giggins was a fine man! A gentle student and an honors giant. Wait, maybe I got dat backwards. I been eaten dem pills he left behind. Anybody want some of what’s in dis mason jar? Don’t worry—there ain’t no mace.”

CHING CHONG DIE-NAMAN
On the topic of “ethnic pain,” one of the enduring racial myths about “Orientals” is that they’re not just inscrutable, but unfeeling. Pain doesn’t register as it does with whites.

Chalk it up to the transcontinental railroad. If an Irish worker died, the Micks would spend a week in mourning—drinking, singing, weeping, brawling, hugging, and reciting bad poetry. If a Chin worker died, his compatriots would feed the body to dogs, eat the dogs, then go about their business.

That the Cultural Revolution would eventually reach a death toll of somewhere around 10 million only happened because the standard Chinese reaction to death is “meh.” Hence their beloved dictator’s nickname, “Meh Zedong.”

Nobody knows why Orientals keep voting Democrat, keep voting Soros, even as they remain the prime targets for abuse at the hands of black thugs in cities like New York and San Francisco. Even Jews tend to only vote that way when they themselves can live in safe neighborhoods.

But not America’s slippery slopes. They take the punches like it’s nothing.

Case in point: Asian-American Iain Forrest, a medical student and cellist. Forrest loved nothing more than playing classical music for commuters in NYC’s subway stations. Until he was brutally beaten by female black thug Amira Hunter, who was then released without bail by female black judge Marva Brown.

Why’d Ludweave van Beethoven attack Forrest? Who knows; Judge Brown was like “dem Chinks don’t feel pain no-how. Now gimme some Advil; dat racist eclipse dun put me in pain.”

Last week, a new judge finally agreed to hold Hunter behind bars, after she returned the favor of Judge Brown’s release by shoplifting $325 in merchandise from a Midtown Nordstrom.

For his part, Forrest, the assaulted musician, reacted to the beating with the expected nonchalance.

As a singer, he’s no mezzo. But as an Asian? He’s as “meh…so?” as they come.