May 26, 2024

Source: Bigstock

The Week’s Most Arboreal, Raptorial, and Day-of-Memorial Headlines

It’s been widely reported that when Jimmy Carter was running for reelection, he told his advisers, “If I get in, I’m gonna fuck the Jews.”

This from a man whose presidency had been crippled by OPEC, Iran, and the Soviets. Yet he blamed “the Jews,” adding that “if I’m defeated, I’m gonna build those kikes a free house…made of ham. A conundrum for those bastards.”

Carter’s fury came after the NSA intercepted a call between then NYC mayor Ed Koch and Menachem Begin, then prime minister of Israel. The two bald bagels were discussing ways to defeat Carter, although the first hour of the call was about whether the pastrami at Katz’s is too dry.

Begin: “You call that pastrami? A bowl of sand would be moister.”

Koch: “Meshuggenneh! What you know about pastrami could fill my bubbeh’s thimble with room to spare.”

Truth is, Carter always had a fraught relationship with Jews. After his disastrous 1979 river-rafting photo op in which he beat a drowning rabbit with an oar as it tried to cling to his raft for dear life, Carter told the press, “Look, I didn’t know it was a rabbit. I thought it was an Orthodox Jew in one of those rabbit-fur shtreimel hats.”

Because of Jewish dissatisfaction with Carter’s Israel policies, Reagan came within one point of matching Eisenhower’s take of the Jewish vote. Jewish support—especially in terms of donations—helped propel Reagan to a solid victory.

With Biden similarly alienating Jewish voters over Israel, literally all Trump needs to do is not be Nazi.

And yes, that’s asking too much.

Last week Trump’s Truth Social featured a video promising a “unified Reich” if elected.

“Last week Iranian president Ebrahim Raisi went down in a chopper while inspecting a new hydro-dam powered by the flailing of drowning gay men.”

This as potential VP Kristi Noem continues to defend shooting puppies, which makes Carter’s bunny-bashing seem mild in comparison.

In 2024’s short-bus election, Biden’s reported to have told advisers that if he loses, he’s gonna “juck the foos,” which his caregivers interpreted as he’s gonna have sex with the Foo Fighters.

Dave Grohl was unavailable for comment.

Since we’ve mentioned Carter, it’s worthwhile to note that in four months he’ll turn 100, becoming the oldest living president in history.

For those planning your celebration in advance, here are some ideas:

(1) Go to your local gym and cripple an Olympic athlete to ensure that they miss the 2024 Games.

(2) Sabotage gas pumps so drivers have to line up at the station to use the remaining ones.

(3) Visit a children’s cancer ward and lecture the kids on how their main problem is a “crisis of confidence.”

(4) Go to Little Tehran with a few friends to “rescue” the animals caged in a pet store. Smash through a window, panic, bash into your friends leaving them unconscious on the sidewalk, and run away.

That latter suggestion is, of course, based on Carter’s disastrous Three Stoogian attempted rescue of the Iranian hostages, in which U.S. military choppers failed and collided, leading to the death of eight servicemen.

At the time, scowling beardo Ayatollah Khomeini claimed that the copter failures were an “act of God.”

Well, like the Lord, copters giveth and copters taketh away. Last week hard-line woman-hating Iranian president Ebrahim Raisi—whose name sounds like a Chinaman reacting to a Muslim named Ebrah eating too much rice: “Ebrah…him RICEY!”—went down in a chopper while inspecting a new hydro-dam powered by the flailing of drowning gay men. Raisi’s copter was flying over mountainous terrain in the middle of dense fog, icy buildup, pounding rain, and high winds.

Literally the only threat that wasn’t present was Godzilla. Yet conspiracy nuts still blame Mossad…because we all know that Jews can summon fog, ice, and rain at will.

True fact: The copter was a 1968 U.S. Bell 212 left over from the days America supported the Shah.

American copter crashes ain’t so funny now, are they?

Mullah that over in hell, jerk.

George Clooney comes from a long line of famous people. There was his aunt, Rosemary Clooney. Most Hollywood fans know her. Lesser known? His uncle who pioneered pulling down your pants and showing your ass to strangers: Mooney Clooney. And his grandpa who always had the runs: Pruney Clooney. And his great-great grandfather who engaged in an Old West gunfight: High-Nooney Clooney. And his cousin who last week tweeted about how saxophonist David Sanborn is now David Sandied: Too-Sooney Clooney.

Which brings us to Clooney’s wife: Loony Clooney.

When Amal Alamuddin left Beirut as a child and moved to the West, she told her mom that her goal was to meet a tall handsome white guy.

Mom: “To marry him or behead him?”

Amal: “Meh…I’ll play it by ear.”

Amal Clooney is now an “international human rights lawyer,” which is a synonym for “worthless sack of crap.” Last week it was revealed that Anal Aladdinmudder helped draft the International Criminal Court “war crimes” arrest warrants for Israeli head-of-state Benjamin Netanyahu and Hamas towel-head-of-state Yahya Sinwar.

Yes, that’s the way to end a war: show up at the doorstep of the combatants like it’s an episode of Cops.

“Sir, neighbors are reporting a genocide going on.”

Pol Pot: “They clazy! They nuts! I just watching TV. Reave me arone!”

“We pulled you over because Jews claim you gassed them. Please keep your hands on the wheel while we conduct our investigation.”

Hitler: “You muthas always be hasslin’ me! I din’ do nothin’. Git outta my face; I gots my rights.”

“Someone named Nan King says you raped her. You’re gonna have to come with us.”

Tojo: “She rying! I be here whole time.”

Amazingly, Amal’s warrant did not lead to the arrest of the prime minister of Israel or the leader of a terrorist org. In fact, it only accelerated the bloodshed in the conflict.

Nice work, Bodies-Strewny Clooney.

Turns out it may not have been the best idea for Sweden to breed generations of women who want to have sex with Africans. Yes, that’s a stereotype—the blonde Swede girl who lusts after blacks. Yes, as well, it’s true, with even high-profile African vloggers complaining that they’ve become unsettled by their treatment in Sweden because they feel like “a piece of meat.”

African migrant crime’s reached such a fever pitch in that nation, local experts warn that the country might be approaching a state of civil war, as black migrants rape and kill in record numbers, and as frustrated unsexed Swedish men develop balls bluer than their eyes.

In an interesting example of how immigrant invasions harm different Western nations in different ways, last week in California several immigrants were sentenced in a scheme to defraud the Post Office.

Lijuan Chen and her accomplice Chuanhua Hugh Hu (“Just an echohugh hu”) had been counterfeiting postage stamps to send parcels to China for free.

According to the USPS, the pair cheated the government out of $150 million.

Credit where it’s due…that’s a lot of fake postage.

Lack of credit where it’s due…the USPS didn’t recognize the fake stamps until it had been defrauded of that much money?

Apparently, the scam had been going just fine until Chen and Hu tried counterfeiting the Post Office’s “greats of American music” commemorative series. The stamps of “Ervris Plesly” holding an erhu, “Rouie Almstlong” with slanted eyes, and “Error Fitzgerror” with her feet bound gave the game away.

According to the L.A. Times, “Chen and Hu mailed more than 34 million parcels between 2020 and 2023 before getting caught.”

Okay, that’s just plain industrious.

Not good, but better than savages who rape and murder. Grading on a curve, it could be worse.

Besides, who likes the Post Office anyway?

“HBCU” stands for “Historically Black Colleges and Universities.”

Mind you, it’s not the only use of that initialism regarding the black community. There’s also the one used by fast-food restaurant managers to mark on time sheets why a hospitalized employee is absent—HBCU: Harmed Because Curly-fries Undercooked.

And now, at one “historically black college and university,” students have found another use for the letters: “Hating Biden, Celebrating Ummah.”

When President Biden decided to give the commencement address to this year’s graduating class at Morehouse, students made it clear that they were less-than-welcoming, because the president isn’t bombing Israel to protect Hamas or something like that.

Ironically, Biden actually thought he was going to be giving his address at Wafflehouse.

More ironically, he’d have encountered even more blacks there.

However, unlike at Columbia and UCLA, where commencement protests and sit-ins have ruined graduation like a strain of Hamas herpes, the Morehouse address went off without a hitch.

How did Morehouse manage to keep America’s most riot-happy demographic from doing what it does best? Easy: Morehouse administrators are black. They feel no guilt in silencing blacks if said blacks are potential embarrassments. That’s why Biden chose Morehouse. If he’d spoken at Columbia or UCLA, the white admins would’ve been like, “Let the poor coloreds riot! It’s the language of the oppressed!”

But a black college facing possible international humiliation should the President of the United States be shouted down?

You can be assured that the school put a stop to that nonsense with the ruthlessness of a black grandma raising her unwed daughter’s children.

“I’ll slap the Gaza outta yo’ mouth like Ali whuppin’ Frazier, you little shit. Now quit yo’ foolishness an’ go applaud dat retarded old white man.”

In a year of few good decisions, choosing Morehouse was Biden’s best.


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