The Week’s Most Roomy, Doomy, and June-Gloomy Headlines

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Maybe the real nightmare regarding immigration isn’t that “they’re not sending their best,” but that they are, which, considering what they’re sending, speaks terrible volumes about what’s left behind.

When comedy legend Joe Flaherty died in April, many recalled his iconic character Guy Caballero, a faux cripple who only used a wheelchair “for respect.” And one of Caballero’s funniest moments was when he insisted on being lowered from the ceiling for an awards ceremony, only for the harness to break, dumping him headfirst onto the stage.

Of course, that was a gag. But it happened for real this year, in Hyderabad, India, when Vistex CEO Sanjay Shah thought it would be fun to make his entrance at a company event by being lowered from the ceiling in a basket, only for the wires to break, dumping him headfirst onto the stage.

He would’ve survived…except the stage was made of concrete. Who the hell makes an indoor stage out of concrete?

Apparently, only the Indians too dumb to relocate to the U.S.

Hyderabad? More like Hyderaworse.

Cut to Mexico last week. As described by the NY Times: “A stage in northern Mexico where a presidential hopeful was campaigning collapsed after a gust of wind blew through, leaving nine people dead and 60 others injured.”

The stage collapsed because a breeze blew over it.

Okay, say what you will about Mexican immigrants, but they can build things that withstand a friggin’ breeze (if not, half the houses in Beverly Hills would’ve collapsed during last year’s storms). Indeed, who knows breezes better than Mexican illegals, what with the fact that they all have leaf blowers.

Maybe the best way to sell immigration curbs is to point out to Third World nations that they’re losing people who, while not doctors and scientists, at least understand how to effectively hammer wood.

Even Paleolithic tribes had brain drains.

“Where Ogg? Him only one knows how make fire.”

“Him go rival clan; they give EBT cards.”

DEAD BATH AND BEYOND
It’s rare—some might say impossibly rare—that one news story proves three impeccably reasoned columnists wrong at the same time.

Chester, PA, is 76 percent black. Which means it’s 24 percent “everyone else hiding in their basement with a shotgun.”

Chester seems like an odd choice for a high-end linen factory serving the finest spas in the U.S.

Just the idea of asking blacks to work around white sheets…seems like a questionable decision.

So last week, when a disgruntled worker shot up Delaware Linen (yes, it’s in PA—the founders were bad with maps), spraying the workplace with bullets, killing only two while injuring dozens and riddling so many sheets with holes, this October expect a fire sale on Charlie Brown ghost costumes, and when the suspect was not named for days, it appeared as though three “laws” were in effect:

(Steve) Sailer’s Law: “If there are more wounded than killed, then the shooter is likely black.”

(Ann) Coulter’s Law: “The longer it takes the media to identify a mass shooter, the less likely it is to be a white male.”

(David) Cole’s Law: “Most disgruntled workplace shooters are black, and in majority-black towns, it’s a certainty.”

You don’t hear much about Cole’s Law, because it makes David’s black readers drop everything and go to KFC.

That’s a terribly unfair joke; Cole has no black readers.

Turns out the sheet-shooter was a white Hispanic—61-year-old pale redhead Wilbert Rosado Ruiz.

Ain’t that something? They put a linen factory in a 76 percent black town, and the lone disgruntled worker is a navy bean.

Maybe he just got tired of his black coworkers endlessly repeating the classic negro poem “We Wear Damask.”

RAFAH RABBLE, RAFAH RUBBLE
Like Joe Biden finally hitting the toilet after a week of taking Metamucil, the long-anticipated Rafah offensive has finally begun, and it’s gonna be a shitshow.

The reason for the long delay in launching the operation was that, due to a clerical error, the IDF mistakenly attacked Raffi, and due to a concussion from falling rubble, a Hamas terrorist mistakenly assassinated Matisyahu.

It was the first thing both sides in the war have done that brought zero international condemnation.

Although colleges are letting out for the summer, that’s not likely to slow the wave of anti-Israel student protests nationwide. After all, what does it matter if classes are in session or not? Most of today’s “students” never bother to attend classes, jumping instead from one trendy sit-in to the next (BLM, tranny rights, Gaza).

Indeed, the Gaza war has so badly impacted America’s highest-profile universities, last week Harvard announced a new policy prohibiting the school from officially “weighing in on public matters.” The move is generally believed to have been prompted by former president Claudine Gay’s disastrous congressional testimony, during which she appeared lukewarm on the “genocide of Jews” question.

It speaks volumes that a school like Harvard has to officially prohibit its leaders from issuing any public statements out of fear that one of them might not have the common sense to say, “Genocide of the Jews is bad.”

Next week Harvard’s expected to issue a new directive prohibiting admins and faculty from sticking forks into electrical sockets.

Sadly, that directive comes too late for Henry Louis Gates.

Considering that Gay’s dismissal in January was only partly due to the “genocide” flap—her history of open plagiarism was likely the bigger reason—Harvard is also considering a new directive banning admins and faculty from ripping off the work of others and claiming it as their own.

Well, they’re considering the policy. But in Gay’s honor, Harvard’s new president is just gonna wait for some other school to write the directive first, so he can copy/paste it as his own.

OUT OF YOUR OZEM-PICKIN’ MIND
The late great Kenny Rogers had many hits, but arguably his best-known was “The Gambler.” Indeed, that song, parlayed into a series of made-for-TV films, became an integral part of Rogers’ identity (he even dressed the part in his off-hours).

One thing Rogers is less well-known for is his phone sex scandal. Depending on whose version you believe, it either involved Rogers setting up a 1-800 line where women could voluntarily call him and hear him talk dirty (that’s Rogers’ version), or he harassed unwilling female victims with obscene phone calls (that’s the version of the women who sued him).

Bottom line, that incident is why even today, ordering at the Kenny Rogers Roasters drive-through is a distressing ordeal.

“Can I take your order?”

“Yes, I’ll have the half chicken and a Pepsi.”

“Eat it, bitch. Eat it HARD! Suck it…suck it down. Would you like potato salad with that?”

It’s the reason Roasters is the only fast-food place that’s never been shot up by a black guy. Even the lure of chicken isn’t worth having to listen to obscenities from a dead white guy.

According to the Daily Mail, the newest Ozempic side effect is…compulsive gambling and bizarre sexual behavior. Apparently it has something to do with what the drug does to the brain’s dopamine levels.

So essentially, Ozempic turns you into Kenny Rogers.

Well, that’s a twist nobody saw coming.

For all anyone knows, the drug was first tested on Rogers long before FDA approval.

Kenny Rogers: patient zero of a drug that’s creating a nation of craggy-skinned prematurely aged paralyzed-arm hardcore gambling sex fiends.

“I just dropped in to see what condition my condition was in.”

Bad, Kenny. Extraordinarily bad.

JAYWALK 4: THE REVENGE
Joining the themes of the previous two stories—fast food and racially surprising crimes—last week in San Antonio, a 32-year-old obese white (trash) woman shot up a McDonald’s because she claimed they’d left the hash browns out of her order.

Well, at least it wasn’t fries.

After picking up her food via the drive-through, Samantha Anthony returned a half hour later to complain about the missing item. When employees asked to see the bag she got, she told them, “You didn’t gimme no damn bag.”

To which they responded, “Then wouldn’t you have noticed the missing item immediately?”

Confounded by their logic, Anthony took out a gun and began shooting up the place.

Nobody was hit.

Yet another affront to Sailer’s Law, as well as the Bell Curve.

A far whiter crime was also reported last week, in Fresno.

In 2019, 55-year-old John Christopher Spatafore, an information technology expert at Community Regional Medical Center, was given a jaywalking ticket.

Considering his name, you’d think it would’ve been a ticket for spitting on the sidewalk.

Enraged, Spatafore spent the next four years using his tech skills to harass the cop who gave him the ticket, making life a living hell for the officer and his family, hacking his passwords, using his email to buy unwanted things and sign up for services he didn’t desire, creating pages on porn sites, and, worst of all, purchasing front-row seats to an Amy Schumer concert—the greatest offense possible.

That alone should get Spatafore 25 to life.

So now the cop is suing Spatafore and the hospital where he works, claiming “invasion of privacy, negligent infliction of emotional distress, intentional infliction of emotional distress and negligent supervision of an employee.”

To be fair, they just don’t make Jokers like they used to. No more “bringing Gotham to its knees.”

Now it’s “A $50 ticket? You’ll regret this, Commissioner Gordon!”

Still, it’s nice to see a white criminal acting white again.

That said, hopefully Spatafore never gets cheated out of hash browns.