June 06, 2014

President Barack Obama

President Barack Obama

Washington, D.C., May 15th, 2014: “€œWhat the HELL is going on?”€ roars POTUS as he storms into the Oval Office, holding a bourbon from his interrupted dinner. Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel and two intelligence officers have their faces in their hands. Army Chief of Staff General Raymond T. Odierno inhales and stands to face the leader of the free world.

“€œSir, we have a situation.”€

“€œSit down, Ray,”€ the president responds, putting his drink on his desk and grabbing the brief from his secretary. “€œThe question is how did you idiots let it get this far? I said “€˜Look into it.”€™ Not “€˜finish negotiations.”€™”€

Over the course of the next hour, the president learns his hunch was correct. Bowe Berghdal is exactly the piece of shit he’s always been and the Taliban are being predictably extremist in their negotiations. They are at an impasse and it’s five Taliban prisoners or nothing. “€œWell, the answer’s no,”€ the president replies, after all his worst fears are confirmed.

Sweat goes down the brow of John Brennan, the head of the CIA. “€œSir,”€ he begins while clearing his throat, “€œIt’s gone beyond that. We have no choice but to move forward.”€

Obama whips his bourbon at the wall and the Waterford crystal shatters into 17 trillion pieces. “€œI told you not to make a move without my OK!”€ he hollers, his face changing color. One officer considers saying, “€œIt got away from us,”€ but thinks better. The National Security Advisor is more impulsive and stands up for her men.

“€œThe president inhales before bellowing, “€˜WAR IS A FUCKING DEATH PANEL!”€™”€

“€œSir, with all due respect,”€ Susan Rice boldly states, “€œyou did say no soldier left behind.”€

Obama closes his eyes with regret. Why did he appoint this publicist to such a high office? “€œWhat was I thinking?”€ he says to himself. Then he gives her a look that almost sets her weave on fire.

She stares back at him, defenseless. She decides to double down. “€œIt’s not up to us to decide which soldier lives or dies. This isn”€™t a death panel.”€

The president looks pensively out the window. He would love to strangle her because she talks like the enemy, but he’s not on the battlefield anymore. He’s in the highest office in the land and he has to use his mind, not his immense physical strength and seemingly limitless tactical training.

“€œSusan”€ he says calmly, “€œEvery life lost is the result of myriad complex calculations. Of course I wanted to negotiate this man’s release. So did most Republicans. The fact that we are at the point where we may have to give five prisoners for one deserter is a bad calculation. It’s also a very dangerous one. This will be a net loss for American lives.”€ The president’s voice has been getting incrementally louder and Rice is visibly shaken. “€œWhen the war is over”€”and believe me, this war will end”€”we will negotiate the release of all our prisoners. However, the war is NOT over. And do you know what war is, ambassador?”€

The president inhales before bellowing, “€œWAR IS A FUCKING DEATH PANEL!”€

Susan Rice bursts into tears and runs out of the Oval Office sobbing. She won”€™t be back. Barack Obama is instantly composed and continues the discussion with his advisors. “€œIf,”€ he says, with one finger in the air, “€œIf we are beyond the point of no return and we must give five prisoners for this, this, ass-clown, let’s do it with as little fanfare as possible. I want the exchange to go down under the wire and I don”€™t want to hear about it ever again. When Bowe”€””€ The president pauses to shake his head. “€œWho spells Beau b-o-w-e anyhow?”€ he asks.

Two officers dare to smile. Obama wipes the grins off their faces with one glance. “€œWhen this fucking spud returns home, I want a full investigation. If he deserted his post, that’s treason and the punishment for treason in this country is the death penalty. We lost what, five men tracking this guy?”€ he asks.

“€œMore like eight, sir,”€ an officer replies.

The president clenches his fist and begins to walk out. His dinner might still be warm and he needs another drink. “€œOh,”€ he says, turning back after opening the door, “€œMake sure the prisoners we released are taken care of. I don”€™t want to hear about it either.”€ He smiles before adding, “€œOld school,”€ and walks out of the room. The officers exhale a huge sigh of relief. Hagel turns to his men to assure them this situation is far from over. “€œFuck Rice,”€ he says, with a dead serious glare, “€œWe”€™re going to get Kissengerian on these towelheads. It’s time America grew some balls.”€


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