April 06, 2015

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The Week’s Most Dreadful, Fretful, and Regretful Headlines

It is perhaps darkly poetic that the “€œUK’s first same-sex prison wedding“€ occurred between two men who are serving time for murdering gay people.

Marc Goodwin is serving life in prison for kicking and punching a gay man to death in 2007.

Mikhail Gallatinov is a convicted pedophile who is serving a life term for the 1997 strangulation murder of Adrian Kaminsky in what was also deemed to be a crime motivated by anti-gay animus.

When the two met in a prison library at HMP Full Sutton in East Yorkshire, it was kismet. They both reportedly wore suits during a recent 15-minute in-prison marriage ceremony attended by four family members. They were allowed a brief kiss and even permitted to wield plastic knives to cut their wedding cake. However, the two homo-killin”€™ gay lovebirds will not be permitted to share a cell.

When comedian Jon Stewart”€”born Jonathan Stewart Leibowitz, nudge, nudge”€”leaves the long-running hit Comedy Central program The Daily Show this year, a 31-year-old black South African-raised comedian named Trevor Noah will replace him.

Despite his Old Testament-sounding surname, Mr. Noah has a public history of making insensitive comments about Jews. Over the years he’s pecked out the following comments on Twitter:

“One of the biggest stressors of being a black entertainer or sports hero is the nagging fear that sooner or later, some hooligan in the crowd will throw a banana at you.”

Almost bumped a Jewish kid crossing the road. He didn”€™t look b4 crossing but I still would hav [sic] felt so bad in my german car!

South Africans know how to recycle like israel knows how to be peaceful.

Behind every successful Rap Billionaire is a double as rich Jewish man.

Upon hearing of these comments, Abraham Foxman of the Anti-Defamation League promptly dropped his buttered bialy roll and emerged in a cloud of fog from his secret subterranean chambers to tell the press that within the savagely merciful depths of his heart he was willing to give the young black Jew-baiting funnyman another chance:

No doubt the comments he made on Twitter were inexcusable….the message plays into anti-Semitic notions of Jews and money and reinforces the notion that greedy Jews control the entertainment industry and take advantage of others for monetary gain.

Foxman said that in the future, Noah should avoid “€œbigoted jokes at the expense of Jews or others”€ as if those were the only two groups of people in the world.

Is a roving pack of Jew-hating paintball enthusiasts terrorizing Hasidic Jews in Brooklyn? If not, shouldn”€™t it be made into a fictionalized cable-TV movie anyway?

A recent trio of paintball attacks on Williamsburg Jews who were involved in either ingress or egress from synagogues has led an official police hate-crime investigation. If you have any information about the perpetrators of these crimes, please contact Brooklyn police. We didn”€™t fight WWII so that things like this could happen.

One of the biggest stressors of being a black entertainer or sports hero is the nagging fear that sooner or later, some hooligan in the crowd will throw a banana at you.

Last Monday evening, black comedian Dave Chappelle finally met that banana”€”or more specifically, that banana peel.

As police tell the story, Chappelle was performing at a Santa Fe club when a visibly intoxicated 30-year-old white man named Christian Englander threw the offending peel at the beloved Negro jokester. Englander reportedly told police that he became enraged after Chappelle began taunting his male friend with what he deemed were anti-white racist jokes.

“€œI’ve been expecting that banana for many years,”€ Chappelle told the crowd after the ruthlessly mean-spirited banana-peel attack. “€œWhy didn’t he throw a good banana at me? Just the brown peel? Where’s the rest of it? I am actually offended by the poor quality of the banana.”€

Englander was arrested and charged with misdemeanor disorderly conduct and battery in connection with an attack that Chappelle insists was “€œracially motivated.”€

Someday”€”hopefully not in the distant future”€”people of all races will be able to enjoy bananas and watermelons without anyone getting arrested.

“€œBlack Girls Rock!“€ shouted First Lady Michelle Obama Sunday night on the Black Entertainment Television channel at an event called “€œBlack Girls Rock!”€ If you”€™re upset that we only got the word “€œblack”€ in there three times, well, that makes it four.

Her declaration that “€œBlack Girls Rock!”€”€”presumably accompanied by a fist pump, although we didn”€™t bother to check”€”drew the loudest standing ovation of the evening. “€œThere is nothing more important than being serious about your education,”€ Mrs. Obama instructed the huddled masses of worshipful black girls. “€œThat’s why I am able to stand here tonight. … I want every one of our black girls do to the same, and our black boys.”

But what about the black transgenders? Hmm? What about them?

This year’s “€œBlack Girls Rock!”€ event was filmed at that monumental testament to black achievement known as Newark, NJ.


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