August 12, 2013

Oprah Winfrey

Oprah Winfrey

The Week’s Most Scabrous, Fantabulous, and Cadaverous Headlines

Billionaire fat black lady Oprah Winfrey and psychotic male feminist Hugo Schwyzer, both of whose zany shenanigans landed them in this column last week, are actin’ a fool again.

As the story goes, Oprah was ogling a $38,000 handbag at a Zurich boutique a month or so ago when a Swiss clerk allegedly told her it would be “too expensive” for her to purchase. The former queen of daytime talk shows, who’s now doing publicity for her film The Butler and apparently can use some press hype, threw an old-school Congo conniption and blamed the incident on”€”what else?”€”racism. Although the store clerk disputes crucial details, the Associated Press deemed the event a “racist encounter” and Switzerland’s national tourism office proffered a slobbering apology.

Self-admitted attempted murderer, sexual assailant, and cheesy “bad boy male feminist” Hugo Schwyzer emerged from his post-suicide-attempt vacation at the Funny Farm to prove that intensive psychotherapy and antipsychotic medication are no cure for being punchably annoying. The bad penny turned up on Twitter, claiming he used “sex and charm and whiteness” to scam and bed gullible feminists. He dubbed himself “a breathtakingly cocky fraud” who “loved the attention” but failed to note that he obviously still loves the attention.

“€œIs. It. Wrong. To. Think. That. People. Who. Put. Periods. After. Every. Word. Like. That. Should. Be. Exterminated?”€

Tawana Brawley, who is simultaneously the world’s most famous rape hoaxer and hate-crime hoaxer, has finally started paying restitution for defaming a white New York prosecutor back in the late 1980s. Brawley, who falsely claimed that Steven Pagones was part of a gang of evil white racist rapists who smeared the words “nigger” and “bitch” on her fifteen-year-body after despoiling her, has been living in Virginia and using aliases such as Tawana Thompson and Tawana Gutierrez, possibly unaware that it’s the “Tawana” part that’s a dead giveaway.

Whereas Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver Riley Cooper found himself boiling in the cannibals’ pot last week for using the “N” word”€”and no, we don’t mean “nihilist,” “nincompoop,” or “neurosurgeon””€”a pair of Detroit Lions revealed that they call each other “nigga” and “cracker” as terms of endearment. Tony Scheffler (the cracker) and Louis Delmas (the nigga) have been friends since playing together in college and refuse to let racial slurs get in the way of their abiding locker-room affection for one another.

In a story that received no national hype, a group of black teens in Louisville allegedly beat up a white man with fists and a tree log while calling him “honky,” “cracker,” and “white trash.”

In what is perhaps the most disjointed and nonsensical essay ever to appear on the Internet, a female Yahoo! scrivener took talk-show host Chelsea Handler to task for not, er, um, properly handling the fact that her grandfather owned a book with a swastika on it, even though he “probably wasn’t a full-blown Nazi.” Handler is commended for being Jewish and scolded for failing to realize that “this is, you know, HITLER. Slow. It. Down.” Is. It. Wrong. To. Think. That. People. Who. Put. Periods. After. Every. Word. Like. That. Should. Be. Exterminated?

A group of neo-Confederates in Richmond, VA, are planning to fly a large Confederate flag near Interstate 95, prompting Virginia NAACP Executive Director King Salim Khalfani”€”no, we’re not making up that name”€”to warn that such symbolic blasphemy “would be an embarrassment” and “make Richmond look like a backwater, trailer park, hick town” rather than an urban-jungle, roach-motel, ghetto-thug town. If the Confederacy “had been successful, I’d still be in chains,” bewailed Khalfani, who is presumably at least 150 years old.

‘Twas not a good week for the Boys in Blue and their ongoing public-relations outreach. Video footage circulated of a Florida officer punching a 14-year-old girl in the head, an Oregon officer smacking a 10-year-old boy in the face, and an Indiana officer slamming a 60-year-old man to the ground. In the latter case, the policeman was subsequently named “Community Policing Support Officer of the Year.” And in Camden, NJ, reputedly America’s most violent city, a picture emerged of a cop either sleeping or yawning in his squad car.


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