August 07, 2016
The Week’s Most Morose, Bellicose, and Grandiose Headlines
CLINT EASTWOOD: “WE”RE REALLY IN A PUSSY GENERATION”
In an interview with Esquire magazine, eighty-six-year-old film legend Clint “Make My Day” Eastwood opined that a Hillary Clinton presidency would give Americans “a tough voice to listen to for four years,” which is why he’s leaning toward Donald Trump:
[He’s] onto something, because secretly everybody’s getting tired of political correctness, kissing up. That’s the kiss-ass generation we’re in right now. We’re really in a pussy generation. Everybody’s walking on eggshells. We see people accusing people of being racist and all kinds of stuff. When I grew up, those things weren’t called racist. …What Trump is onto is he’s just saying what’s on his mind. … But everybody”the press and everybody’s going, “Oh, well, that’s racist,” and they’re making a big hoodoo out of it. Just fucking get over it. It’s a sad time in history…Yeah, I’m anti”the pussy generation.
Along with Mr. Eastwood, it is our sincerest wish that this election season marks the death of the pussy generation and a joyous rebirth of a safer and saner world where everyone can once again feel free being dicks.
BLACK LIVES MATTER RELEASES HILARIOUS NEW LIST OF DEMANDS
Black Lives Matter is a racial arsonists’ group funded by the interplanetary reptile and white-hating bigot George Soros. Its most passionate adherents are black people who don’t know how to count. Their main beef is a profound dissatisfaction with the fact that sometimes people dare to notice that 99% or so of black-people problems are caused by black people rather than by white police.
On Monday the shambolic organization released a list of six demands which, if adopted, might possibly cause members of Black Lives Matter and their sympathizers to quit blocking roadways, attacking white people, and murdering police.
Declaring that America is waging a “war on black people” rather than a war on behalf of black people, Black Lives Matter seeks an “end to the criminalization and dehumanization of Black youth,” failing to see that black youths are not being criminalized”they are committing crimes way out of proportion to their numbers. They demand “an end to public jails,” the immediate cessation of “food apartheid,” and the unconditional release of all black inmates nationwide who are serving time for drug offenses, prostitution, and, we are led to infer, drug offenses committed in the course of being prostitutes. They also are calling for an immediate end to “violence against Black cis, queer, and trans people,” failing to realize that nearly all violence against black people, regardless of their genital delusions, is committed by other black people rather than this racist, oppressive, and irredeemably stinky white society.
At the University of Houston, vice president of the Student Government Association Rohini Sethi has been suspended for fifty days and will be forced to attend three days of sensitivity training and to write a letter apologizing for her thoughtcrimes. Her offense? She wrote that “all lives matter” on her Facebook page.
On Friday, Englanders got their first taste of this vibrant and colorful street-terrorism group when Black Lives Matter members across the nation started lying down in the middle of the road and screeching at white people that they should be ashamed of themselves for inventing nearly everything and refusing to let black people take it all away from them without a fight.
In Brooklyn, a group of “Jews of color” marched together chanting “Black lives matter, black Jews matter” at anyone who’d listen. “Black Lives Matter is a Jewish issue because there are black Jews,” explained one woman.
Meanwhile, the White Marlin Marina in Ocean City, MD is selling T-shirts emblazoned with “White Lives Matter” and “Blue Lives Matter.” Although the shirts are intended to promote the conservation of white and blue marlin, their very existence triggered local NAACP head honcho Ivory Smith to the point that he said, “I wouldn’t be surprised if someone wearing these shirts got punched in the face.”
Clearly, the sanest way to atone for old racial double standards is to practice new racial double standards, then if anyone says that two wrongs don’t make a right, it’s perfectly justified to punch them in the face.
RAGING GINGER BOY MAGICALLY TRANSFORMS INTO WEEPY GINGER GIRL
Michael Kittrell is a chubby, freckle-faced, orange-haired male youth from Georgia who first gave the world a glimpse of his intermittently explosive personality disorder six years ago in a video titled “Gingers Do Have Souls,” which has been viewed over 40 million times on YouTube. For years he has provided some of the best unintentional comedy on the Web by nearly giving himself a stroke as he throws conniptions over leftist non-issues such as fat-shaming.
Known mainly by his screen handle “CopperCab,” Mr. Kitrell has often joined forces with Gavin McInnes to become the greatest comedic duo since Martin and Lewis.
McInnes recently scored a coup by featuring the first interview with “Claire Cab,” Mr. Kitrell’s new identity as a 23-year-old chubby, freckle-faced, orange-haired male pretending he’s a female. He appeared wearing a delightful summer dress and at one point flashing his man-boobs at the camera.
A day later, Kittrell recorded a 10-minute video in full lipstick titled “I’m Done Pretending.” While the video’s purpose was to illustrate that he is done “pretending” he’s a male, everyone who’s remotely sane realizes that he has instead only begun to pretend he’s a female. “I feel a lot better just making this video, even though I’m having a slight panic attack,” Kittrell sort-of-explained. The Mirror described this highly troubled young man’s unintentionally hilarious oratory as a “powerful speech” in which he “bravely battled through a panic attack to tell the world” that he thinks he’s a chick.
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