February 09, 2014
CHECK YOURSELF BEFORE YOU SEXT YOURSELF
A Canadian girl who was 16 when she “sexted” revealing photos of her ex-boyfriend’s girlfriend, who was also underage, was convicted of distributing child pornography.
A female Brooklyn schoolteacher who was being investigated for mistreating her students claims she texted semi-nude photos of herself to the investigator only because she wanted to keep her job.
As a complement to NYC-based Democrat Anthony Weiner’s multiple sexting scandals, a GOP chairman from upstate New York stands accused of sending “naughty pictures of his anatomy” to his girlfriend’s girlfriend, which is never a good idea”or at least let’s say it doesn’t work often enough to be worth the risk.
New studies claim that half of adults’ phones contain “intimate content,” although three-quarters of American women say that receiving nude photos from males is a turnoff.
THE LYNCHING OF TRADER JOE
Claiming that the existence of a new Trader Joe’s store on their turf would “increase the desirability of our neighborhood” to “non-oppressed populations,” the Portland African American Leadership Forum was able to scare away the national food chain and leave the oppressed populations free to bitch about urban food deserts.
A California school is bending over backwards, grabbing its ankles, smiling, and saying “Cheese!” after outrage erupted that their Black History Month menu included such racially stereotypical food as chicken and watermelon.
Feeling sexually assaulted by a statue of a bald man sleepwalking in his underwear, female students at Wellesley College started a petition to have the offending statue moved indoors where it would be unable to sexually assault them so easily.
The sniveling delusional weenies-in-a-bubble at Gawker took comedian Jerry Seinfeld to task for being a “maker of comedy for and about white people” and that he “seems to suggest that any comedian who is not a white male is also not funny” because Seinfeld dared to say that being funny”rather than a strict and humorless adherence to demographic representation”was the most important thing about being a comedian.
Oh, and The Atlantic said that beards are “a symbol of masculine authority and white supremacy.” Quick”somebody hand Kimbo Slice a razor.
THIS GRIMY, SLIMY, CRIME-Y WORLD
A morbidly obese English woman has been sentenced to jail for leaving fake insults in her parents’ names on her Facebook page, then reporting her parents to police for abusing her online. She may be the first person in history to be incarcerated for trolling herself.
Pro-Muslim activists are calling for a hate-crime investigation after California vandals heartlessly left strips of bacon throughout the parking lot of a mosque.
A snowball fight in Warner-Robins, GA erupted into a mass assault by a large group of blacks”some of whom are alleged to have shouted racial epithets during the attack”on a much smaller group of whites. Shymalik Raekwon Mitchell and Terrell Antonio Boyd, both 17, have been arrested and charged.
Four workers at a Long Island group home have been arrested and charged with endangerment after allegedly orchestrating a perverse game of Bumfights for the disabled. The quartet allegedly “encouraged two severely disabled men to fight,” while one of them filmed as the other three laughed. According to CBS, “Patrick Stark came to court Thursday to say four bad apples do not represent the caring people who work at the facility,” which marks the first time we”ve ever heard the “four bad apples” alibi. It’s usually just one, but such are the fruits of progress.