June 08, 2015

Source: Shutterstock

The Week’s Most Abused, Bemused, and Confused Headlines

World champion Olympic athlete Bruce Jenner revealed to a jubilant and enthralled world last week that he has finally crossed a magical rainbow bridge and is now actually a unicorn named “€œCaitlyn.”€

Although Caitlyn is now”€”finally!”€”living her true identity as a unicorn, this gallant transition from fantasy into reality did not come without some struggle. Sure, there were a few touch-ups that needed doing”€”trifles such as neck-sculpting and brow-lifting and brow-shaving and eyelid lifts and lip injections and cheek implants and fake breasts and a right proper nose shaving and”€”the cherry on the bottom of this hairy sundae”€”genital-reassignment surgery. Apparently it’s sometimes very complicated and expensive to become who you truly are.

But it wouldn”€™t make any sense to stay who you truly are in order to become who you truly are, so this intrepid new trendsetting unicorn named Caitlyn is being roundly applauded for going so far out of her way to become who she truly is. After walking through a mystical foggy forest on her magical journey from Brucedom to Caitlynhood, this former male athlete opened a new Twitter account on June 1. With over two million followers already, it has become the fastest-growing Twitter account in history”€”faster even than that of President Barack Obama, who publicly applauded the Athlete Formerly Known As Bruce’s highly public transition from man to unicorn. Professional blowjob-giver Monica Lewinsky and professional lesbian Ellen Degeneres likewise applauded Caitlyn’s scientifically proven transubstantiation from a white male into a vibrant, sassy unicorn.

“€œApparently it’s sometimes very complicated and expensive to become who you truly are.”€

Still, there are some bad people who said bad things about Caitlyn’s fearless transformation from what she never was into what she really is. Bigoted gun nut Republican so-called actor Clint Eastwood made a shockingly horrible joke about “€œCaitlyn Somebody“€ and has been roundly and righteously denounced for making this objectively unacceptable comment. Normally beloved dope-smoking former murder suspect Snoop Dogg posted an inexcusable quip about Jenner being a mere “€œscience project.”€ One group, obviously spurred by hatred and seething transjealousy, even has the gall to demand that Bruce Jenner relinquish his Olympic gold medals, seeing as how he must have been living a lie when he competed as man.

When will this hatred end, people? When will everyone on Earth hold hands, close their eyes, clench their teeth, and finally confess that Bruce Jenner is, indeed, a unicorn?

An angry group of 150-200 South Philadelphians, nearly all of them saddled with that horrid Philadelphia accent, held a “€œWhite Lives Matter”€ protest last week in response to what they claim are a series of racially motivated attacks on neighborhood residents by a quartet of predatory black females.

Residents claim to have been routinely subjected to verbal and physical abuse by the four black chicks. They say that even after making repeated 911 calls, police paused from eating their hoagies and TastyKakes only long enough to tell them to scram.

These mysterious four black females have not been interviewed by any reporters because reporters are famously incapable of telling black people apart from one another.

In other news of black people accused of physically assaulting white people and the major media turning a blind eye to it, a Cincinnati man is accused of telling a white female jogger that he hates white people and then shoving her into traffic. And some white parents at a Florida high school say they”€™re keeping their children at home in the wake of alleged threats by black gang members at the school that they were going to kill white people.

An Afrikaans gospel singer risks being boiled alive in the social-justice cannibal’s pot after making “€œhomophobic comments“€ on Facebook.

Pale-skinned Christian chanteuse Suné Botha had written:

Can”€™t believe Ireland has now legalised same sex marriage…how sick, and how outside God’s will!!!!! Like in the days of Lot, I personally believe if God doesn”€™t punish them he will one day explain to Sodom why he destroyed the cities…. The King is coming! [sic] !!!! “

A “€œfreelancer and columnist”€ named Thorne Godinho filed a hate-speech complaint against Botha with local authorities. The charge is currently under investigation. “€œSuné Botha suggested that homosexuality is sick and I find that deplorable,”€ Godinho wrote.

Sounds like a war wherein two factions endlessly squabble over which side is the sick and deplorable one.


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