March 11, 2018

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The Week’s Loopiest, Droopiest, and Poopiest Headlines

Born Louis Eugene Walcott 84 years ago in the Bronx, the man known and beloved by millions of Americans as Louis Farrakhan just can’t keep his hi-yella yap shut about Jews. You’d figure that after blaming them for the slave trade, he would’ve taken a Xanax, curled up to a TV dinner, and watched the Winter Olympics, but no—he’s got the Jew Fever and he wants you to have it, too.

Since 1977, the former pioneer of transphobic calypso music has led the Nation of Islam, a wacky Islamic cult founded by an apparently transracial white man named Wallace Fard Muhammad. Among other things, the NOI teaches its embarrassingly gullible followers that whites were created by an evil black scientist named Yakub and that there’s a giant black-operated spaceship hovering over Earth that is poised to one day wipe out the crackers forever.

In his sassy, fiery oratorical style, Farrakhan relentlessly slams whites and Jews, but for reasons that remain unclear at press time, the media only seem to care about the latter.

At a recent shindig in Chicago honoring the Nation of Islam’s hilarious legacy, Farrakhan spared neither the whites nor the Jews from his wrath:

White folks are going down. And Satan is going down. And Farrakhan, by God’s grace, has pulled the cover off of that Satanic Jew and I’m here to say your time is up, your world is through.

“The” Satanic Jew? Only one?

Farrakhan also praised dead white men Richard Nixon and Billy Graham for attacking Jews’ “grip on the media” and for realizing “how the Jews were responsible for all of this filth and degenerate behavior that Hollywood is putting out turning men into women and women into men.” He said the Jews were “the mother and father of apartheid” and also chided former Nation of Islam member and current Democratic Party mover and shaker Keith Ellison for renouncing him by warning Ellison: “let me tell you something, when you want something in this world, the Jew holds the door.”

Again—only one Jew? And while we’re at it, only one door, too?

“At a recent shindig in Chicago honoring the Nation of Islam’s hilarious legacy, Farrakhan spared neither the whites nor the Jews from his wrath.”

After briefly recoiling at Farrakhan’s statements, members of a certain special-interest group scurried around trying to get people to denounce him. When asked to distance himself even further from Farrakhan, Keith Ellison shrugged his chocolatey shoulders and said that people don’t give a fig about his associations with him.

Likewise, South Carolina Rep. James Clyburn—the third-highest-ranking Hosue Democrat—refused to disavow the bow tie-wearing anti-Semite. And Indiana Rep. Andre Carson—who sort of resembles George Foreman after a 400-day angel-dust binge—also refused to besmirch Louis the Charmer. And longtime Farrakhan chum Maxine Waters has never condemned him, neither then nor now.

We’ll bet you weren’t aware that three of the four founders of that idiotic Women’s March thing—the three who aren’t white—are firm and eager Farrakhan supporters. When asked to disavow him in the wake of his recent spate of unbridled Jew-baiting, Tamika Mallory turned the tables and said Farrakhan has “the same enemies as Jesus,” while Linda Sarsour claimed that he was “too blessed” for her to criticize.

Even Twitter—which is kicking off people leftright and right—still not only allows Farrakhan a forum, they give him the coveted blue checkmark that signifies official approval. This, despite the fact that he’s Tweeted that the “Jews have control over” the FBI and wield this power to make black people miserable.

Despite all that, Farrakhan recently tweeted the following…

What have I done to make Jewish people hate me?

…the moxie!

Did you hear about the white serial killer who publicly stated he wanted to kill all black people and now has been charged with murdering six of them?

No, we haven’t, either.

But it’s also likely that you haven’t heard about 22-year-old Fredrick Demond Scott, who is charged with killing five men and one woman—all of them white and in their 50s and 60s—mostly along the Indian Creek hiking trail on the south side of Kansas City, MO in a series of slayings from August 2016 to August 2017.

According to court documents, in 2014 Scott was disciplined as a high schooler for threatening to “shoot the school up, Columbine-style” as well as threatening to kill himself and “all white people.”

Alas, he didn’t kill himself. Sometimes these people can’t be trusted to keep their promises.

To our innumerable Christian readers we would like to apologize for what’s happening to your religion on several fronts. Even though we aren’t responsible for it, you have our sympathy, because they’re mutating your belief system beyond recognition.

Last week the Church of Scotland distributed a 30-page booklet to every wee bonnie church across the red-haired, freckle-faced land. Titled Diverse Gender Identities and Pastoral Care, it beseeches the flock to accept dudes who think they’re chicks and every other skeevy manifestation of that gross delusion:

Instruct the Council (Mission and Discipleship Council) working with the Church and Society Council and others, where appropriate, to promote congregational learning and awareness of the issues transgender and gender non-conforming people experience, in order to better facilitate pastoral care to and inclusion of transgender and gender non-conforming people at a local level.

The booklet also includes several heartwarming testimonials from TransChristians, including this gleaming little copper nugget from some dude who’s now calling himself “Iona”:

I have always had a strong sense of ‘me’ but it was always alongside a deep puzzlement about how I felt and what I saw in the mirror. I remember looking in the mirror one day and I was dressed as woman, with a wig and full makeup and I thought—yes, this is me. This is who I am. I felt great joy. Some people only feel that contentment after full surgery but I feel that contentment now even though I still have my little penis. Some men have vaginas and some women have penises.

You are incorrect, Iona.


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