November 17, 2013

Martin Bashir

Martin Bashir

The Week’s Most Dystopic, Myopic, and Entropic Headlines

A slew of new studies were released last week, many of them only confirming what was already common wisdom. Has there ever been a study to determine whether such studies benefit anyone except those paid to perform the study?

Online dating website “Are You Interested” sifted through 2.4 million interactions on their site to conclude that men like Asian women the most and black women the least, as if all seven billion people in the world didn’t already know that. “I think it’s very disheartening for African-American women,” said Demetria Lucas of The Root. “It’s always the same result and it’s always about how no one’s reaching out for black women.”

A questionnaire completed by over 2,000 users of online meat market concluded that 36.5% of them found the Southern accent is North America’s sexiest. Least sexy of the eight listed accents is the Mid-Atlantic accent, which befouls the mouths of those living in southeastern Pennsylvania and Delaware.

A study recently published in Journal of Sex Research reached the startling conclusion that the more alcohol a woman drinks, the less likely she is to insist upon condom use during sex. The study did not state whether she would be also less likely to remember your name or to falsely accuse you of rape.

“Has there ever been a study to determine whether such studies benefit anyone except those paid to perform the study?”

A meta-study examining three dozen prior studies regarding truck drivers and substance abuse concluded that over half of truckers reported using alcohol while driving, while nearly a third confessed to using amphetamines. Apparently, the other two-thirds are dishonest about their amphetamine use.

A joint study released by the US Chamber of Commerce and the International Franchise Association concluded that Obamacare is forcing businesses to pare down full-time workers. Nearly a third of franchise businesses report reducing worker hours and replacing full-time workers with part-timers.

Despite the ongoing ritual shrieking and hectoring and litigation and media-enabled ball-busting of men, a Gallup poll concludes that more Americans would still rather have a male boss than a female one. The gap (35% to 23%, with the rest showing no preference) is not as egregious as it was in 1953, when a poll showed that 66% of Americans would choose a male boss while only 5% would have preferred a lady.

According to NPR, a study released in the journal Science suggests that “Evolution is [a] relentless process that seems to keep going and going, even when creatures live in a stable, unchanging world.” Biologists studied E. coli bacteria starting back in 1988. Over 50,000 generations they realized that even though external conditions such as food and temperature remained identical, subsequent generations adapted so that they were able to reproduce more quickly than their forebears.

Last week, when MSNBC’s talking heads weren’t busy blaming their competitors at Fox News and anyone who doesn’t abjectly surrender to progressive mythology of being ticking Hate Bombs, they said things that would have gotten anyone at Fox crucified for eternity.

Fat middle-aged man Alec Baldwin, host of Up Late, an MSNBC show that is rapidly tanking, allegedly shoved a photographer and called him a “fat middle-aged man” and a “cocksucking fag.” No one seemed to contest the idea that fags do indeed suck cocks; they merely were outraged at the usage of these designated naughty words to describe this wholesome and thoroughly family-friendly practice. The photographer in question claims to be a former boxer and has challenged Baldwin to a boxing match. Baldwin’s show has been suspended for two weeks.

MSNBC host Martin Bashir, who seems to harbor a blinding hatred for all things white and American far beyond even the average MSNBC pundit, slammed Sarah Palin”€”who, though undoubtedly ditzy, is by far the most sexually attractive woman ever to run for vice president”€”for recent comments equating the national debt to slavery. Bashir unearthed some ancient reference to a Jamaican slaver from the 1700s and suggested that someone should defecate in Palin’s mouth and urinate in her eyes as punishment for her comments.

Semi-retarded ebony squawkbox, pogrom agitator, and serial hate-crime-hoax enabler Al Sharpton leaped into the fray, claiming that the national debt “has been reduced every year for the last five years under this president.” In truth, the national debt has increased over $6.5 trillion during Obama’s reign“€”in effect, enslaving every man, woman, child, and race hustler in America to over $20,000 in new debt apiece.

Italian police raided the homes of 35 people whose primary crime appeared to be leaving comments on the website Stormfront. One man’s house even shockingly contained weapons and a swastika flag as well as “at least one anti-Semitic video.”

A “Stop the Hate” seminar at the University of Wisconsin continued to peddle the popular delusion that there exists some imaginary “line” between “free” speech and “hate” speech.

French authorities opened an inquiry into whether a “far-right magazine” crossed the Hate Line by publishing a cover photo of the nation’s black justice minister Christiane Taubira with the caption, “Clever as a monkey, Taubira gets her banana back.” According to the Huffington Post, the magazine cover “will add fears to a rise of racism in France,” and we all know that “racism” is much more frightening than hordes of violent, ineducable, and stubbornly non-assimilating immigrants who spit on the host culture.

Students at the University of Georgia, many of them black, female, and significantly overweight, held a march to protest comments someone had left on a school Facebook page.

Last Tuesday, over 100 tattoo shops worldwide offered free swastika tattoos in an effort to “reclaim” the symbol from the Nazis. People who chose to receive the free swastika tattoos were required to sign a waiver stating that they did not intend to use it as a pro-Nazi symbol.

A 14-year-old Swedish girl has filed a formal complaint against a paint company for the unforgivable sin of describing the color beige as “skin color.” The girl said, “It is completely sick that they just rename beige to skin color when black and brown are also that.” Perhaps instead it’s “completely sick” to be perpetually outraged over such things?


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