November 04, 2013
The Week’s Most Hellacious, Sebaceous, and Mendacious Headlines
THE MOST UPTIGHT HALLOWEEN EVER
This year’s All Hallow’s Eve brought with it yet another autumnal harvest of infantile racial hysteria and misguided cultural outrage.
TIME magazine published an unintentionally hilarious article about “horrifying” costumes, unmasking the increasingly vast swaths of America where seemingly benign Halloween getups could yield letter-writing campaigns and blood-curdling screams for both legal and extralegal retribution. Apparently it is no longer acceptable to adorn oneself as “hillbillies, Asian nerds, cowboys, Native Americans, ghetto characters…witches, hobos, nuns, fortune tellers,” Sikhs, and mental patients. If you’re one of the eternally PMSing fanged vadges at Jezebel, it’s “horrifying” even to don a Spider-Girl costume that isn’t butch enough to meet their gender-denying approval. Aren’t Halloween costumes supposed to be horrifying? The most truly horrifying thing here is how easily people are horrified these days.
The Web’s increasingly rapacious social-justice warriors, AKA The Digital Lynch Mob, were able to get a Florida woman fired from her job for posing in a picture between two men dressed for Halloween as Trayvon Martin and George Zimmerman. They also tracked down a “racist” comment she’d posted back in August that was deemed “racist” merely for pointing out double standards regarding what gets deemed “racist” these days.
The ironically surnamed Jessica Black of Craigsville, VA, refused to apologize after another Facebook lynch mob took umbrage at her for dressing her seven-year-old son in a Klan outfit for Halloween. Impenitent, Black said, “It’s suppose [sic] to be white with white. Black with black. Man with woman and all that.”
A North Dakota human heifer of indeterminate weight known only as Cheryl faced a backlash after announcing her intention to withhold Halloween candy from children she deemed “moderately obese.” She vowed to instead hand them a letter instructing them to drop the flab and eat sensibly. “I just want to send a message to the parents of kids that are really overweight…really, their kids are everybody’s kids. It’s a whole village,” Cheryl told a local radio station.
OBAMA LIED, YOUR MAMA DIED
Bitter tears of betrayal fell across blue states nationwide as the gullible acolytes of an elephant-eared mulatto snake-oil salesman who’d been shamelessly marketed as a paragon of honesty and administrative transparency”AKA the current President of the United States”finally realized he’s been lying to them. While selling his Affordable Care Act to the public, Obama repeatedly and unequivocally assured Americans that if they liked their current healthcare plans they’d be able to keep them”period, full stop, case closed, do not pass GO, do not collect $200. It has now become evident that this will not be the case for at least 10 million Americans, who are now receiving cancellations on their current plans and price quotes for new plans that are in many cases double what they were paying. Even such Obama-fellating stalwarts as Bill Maher, Piers Morgan, and Joe Scarborough are openly expressing dismay that their righteously non-pasty hero has rooked the public.
NAZIS AND COMMIES
Paul Dutton is a British grandfather who says he routinely browses his local grocery store clad in full Nazi regalia because he suffers from a social-anxiety disorder and wants people to stay away from him. He claims to discriminate against no one and asserts instead that he was discriminated against for being recently asked to leave the store. “Some people turn to God in their hour of need,” Dutton explains. “I turned to Adolf Hitler.”
A Manhattan jury penalized a Midtown restaurant to the tune of $900,000 for anti-Semitic abuse hurled at Jewish deliveryman Adam Wiercinski by coworkers. Among the verbal slings and arrows he allegedly suffered were taunts of being a “dirty Jew” and an especially tasteless prank where one supervisor passed gas loudly and claimed that it was Zyklon B.
A California boy who was ten years old when he shot and killed his 32-year-old father has received a sentence of 7-10 years in a juvenile prison. The case gained notoriety because the father, Jeff Hall, was a regional director for the National Socialist Movement and allegedly led “Nazi-style rallies in his hometown of Riverside.”
An official was ousted from India’s Communist Party after a video emerged of him “sleeping in a bed of cash.” The culprit, Samar Acharjee, allegedly claims on camera that at least he is not hypocritical like other communist politicians who “depict themselves as proletariats.” Starving and impoverished Indian peasants were not amused.
Renowned aesthete and painter Sylvester Stallone faced protests by Russian communists when an exhibit of his artwork was showcased at a St. Petersburg gallery. An official Communist Party statement claimed that “Rambo/Stallone will always be an embodiment of [the] Cold War and the US military machine….”