October 20, 2013
The Week’s Most Incredible, Inedible, and Regrettable Headlines
POLITICS: GOVERNMENT REOPENS, RESUMES OVERSPENDING
The federal government reopened for business last week and wasted no time dumping another $329 billion atop the public debt, finally nudging the total over $17 trillion. The total debt was $10.627 trillion when Barack Obama took office and if present trends continue, he will leave office having doubled the debt instead of cutting the deficit in half during his first term as promised. For perspective, the public debt was less than $1 trillion as recently as 1980. It is now 5,000 times what it was when the Federal Reserve Act was made law.
China’s Dagong Global Credit Rating downgraded the US sovereign debt rating, noting that America’s “debt growth rate significantly outpaces that of fiscal income” and that “The Democrats and the Republicans of U.S. [sic] do not have a consistent strategy target to solving the sovereign debt problem.” The China Post wrote that “the long-term, serious damages to the global standing of the U.S. has [sic] already been done.”
On the bright side, students in the Philadelphia area were at least able to “get a fuller Holocaust experience“ during the government shutdown.
SEX: HAUNTED VAGINAS, RAPE VANS, AND TRANSSEXUAL MAMMOGRAMS
Rampagingly delusional pop slut Kesha, who last year claimed to have had supernatural sexual relations with a ghost, suggested to Jimmy Kimmel that a hypnotherapist was able to exorcise demons from her vagina.
A Texas brewery is accused of promoting rape culture via a promotional van that hypes their Dallas Blonde Ale with the slogan “Goes Down Easy,” which makes no sense seeing as how going down “easy” would seem to imply consent.
A small group of eternally aggrieved yipping Chihuahuas at the UN Women’s campaign are claiming that Google’s autocomplete function proves that we still live in a stinkingly sexist world after the app filled in the words “women should” with such phrases as “women should stay at home“ and “women should be slaves.”
Horrifying and completely unacceptable campaign buttons were spotted at a GOP shindig in California touting the “KFC HILLARY SPECIAL: 2 Fat thighs, 2 Small Breasts…Left Wing.”
In Colorado, a male high-school student who claims to be “transgender” is now accused of harassing young females in the girls’ restroom. Girls who complained about the harassment have allegedly been threatened with hate-crime charges if they persist. Also in Colorado, “an uninsured transgender woman” is bitching that he/she/it was refused a free mammogram because the hateful and biased government only allows mammogram subsidies for those who are “genetically female.” And at the University of Northern Iowa, this autumn’s homecoming queen is named Steve.
RACE: RUSSIAN WATERMELON RIOTS, FRENCH CHIMPS, AND BRITISH GINGER BEATINGS
Race riots erupted in Moscow’s Biryulevo district after the stabbing of an ethnic Russian by a man who appeared on videotape to be “non-Slavic.” Over 1,000 rioters stormed shops, overturned cars, and smashed watermelon stands, allegedly chanting “White Power!” and “Russia for Russians!” Police have arrested an Azerbaijani man in connection with the stabbing.
In Palm Beach, FL, a man who reportedly set up a cross burning as “a joke“ accidentally spilled gasoline on himself, caught fire, and was rushed to a hospital with burns over 40 percent of his body.
In the perennially low-rent LA suburb of Compton, two Latino gang members were convicted under the Matthew Shepard and James Byrd Jr. Hate Crimes Prevention Act after admitting to the racially motivated murder of a black teenager. Jeffrey “Turkey” Aguilar and Efren “Looney” Marquez reportedly referred to themselves as “NKs, “ a term used to describe people who intentionally kill blacks (hint”the “K” stands for “killer”).
At a school in Yorkshire, England, “at least six youngsters were allegedly assaulted by other children” during “Kick a Ginger Day,” in which red-haired students are singled out for violent abuse.
The mayor of Harrison, AR, joined a group of protestors who objected to a billboard reading “Anti-Racist is a Code Word for Anti-White,” saying such a sentiment conveyed “antiquated ideology and hatred.” The protesters were met with a counterprotest consisting of two men, one of whom held a sign reading, “White People 4 Free Speech.”
The European Commission Against Racism and Intolerance is bemoaning the fact that “most racist comments made online, particularly comments to news articles, go unpunished“ and is recommending that an independent body be established to enable them to quench their righteous lust to punish people.